Rants about everything, anything and yet nothing at all.

And we could feel under our backs that the earth was round

It’s only been little more than a month into 2014 and I’ve already had so many photos and thoughts I wanted to post — the accumulation of it all got too much and if I don’t start somewhere, it’ll never happen. Frankly, I can’t believe January is already over, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels that way.

I’ve been restless lately because of all the changes going on in my home life — being between flats and house sitting, etc. — but I’m finally about to move into a new flat, which will hopefully be a little “permanent”, if I could use that word at all. I’ve complained all summer long that I don’t want to return to university. That I just want to run off somewhere and do “things that I want to do”. That I want see the Great Big World, ASAP. But I realised something, just moments ago, as I was typing: the only permanent, constant, unwavering thing in my life for the past four years has been university. Throughout this time, I’ve changed addresses, instruments, gone through parental separations, had my sister move overseas (who is soon to graduate), succeeded and failed and fell in and out of love and hate with all sorts of things — and through all this, I’ve been at university.

For the longest time I’ve been bitter that my choice of conflicting paths meant an extra year tacked onto my time in what I consider a money-sucking institution. Whilst I will still view the place that way, I need to let that shittiness go, and just see it as more time to grow, rather than time spent being stuck.

Some things that I got up to in the last while (some of which involved photos yet to be produced, chemically, the old fashioned way):

  • When my sister was back in NZ over Christmas, we decided to do the Tongariro Crossing, with mum and the boy in tow. Or, realistically, the boy had us all in tow and helped hustle mum along towards the end, so we wouldn’t have to wait an extra hour for the second shuttle. It was a beautiful, beautiful day and I’m annoyed my Nikon F3 was broken and I had the wrong Contax lens and it was heavy and awful but I hope whatever photos I took will turn out well, once I save enough to get a huge batch of film developed.
  • I still suck at surfing but I can stand up alright and now it seems my biggest barrier to improving is the masses of other wave-users at Piha.
  • Riding bikes downhill in the forest isn’t my biggest forte but I hear I’m really brave because I lost skin but kept going anyway. I hope that really means I am a little brave because at times it got scary as fuck.
  • Meeting a lot of new people in a short space of time and having to remember their names. It’s so much easier for everyone at work to remember my name because there is only one of me. I have to confess that sometimes, right after someone speaks to me, I go on the company website to make sure I do indeed have the correct name-to-face.
  • Eating a ridiculous amount of ridiculously good food and trying to burn it all off without getting sunburnt.

Then we could be dancing, no more missing you while I’m gone, there we could be dancing and you’d smile and say I like this song

I just want to put it out there that I really don’t like hate the way in which mental heath issues are ignorantly trivialised by many people. You hear people say “oh my god I am soooo depressed!” about their favourite restaurant being booked out, or people getting told, “you are sooo OCD!” because they value cleanliness more than the average person — the list goes on. It really irritates me. It makes me feel like mine, and other people’s mental health issues are undermined as merely a description of a fleeting problem, a hyperbolical description. Surely I’m not the only person out there who feels like their personal struggles are trivialised by these terms being casually misappropriated in popular culture and everyday use?

A few months ago, law school had a “Mental Health Awareness Day” which involved (via sponsorship, of course) a bouncy castle, warm fuzzy post-it notes, puppies for petting, etc. Needless to say, I was really unimpressed. Whilst it coincided with the release of a survey of law students (which unsurprisingly concluded that we are one of the most stressed faculties, and that many people develop mental health issues, or their previous difficulties worsened), none of this was the focal point. It really should have been called a “Stress Relief Day” or something a bit more mild. I realise that stress in itself is a serious problem, and it also exacerbates other mental health conditions, but the whole thing looked like a magical, colourful fun-day joke and I felt like it rudely trivialised the seriousness of other things caught under the umbrella term of “mental health.”

In happier matters, I recently did a photo shoot for some friends’ presskit:







the cold and the loud and they won’t let me sleep

My mum likes to whip out a saying in Chinese that literally means “plans never keep up with changes” (although it sounds more eloquent when my mum says it because in Chinese it’s a bit of a play on words).

Anyway, that maxim seems to ring true far too often in my life, and this past week has been yet another example. So besides feeling like I had messed up three out of my four exams, they were done and dusted, and everything felt great. I was ready to relax, to hit the beach, to chill in general… then the status quo at home and at the flat changes so now I have to move back home within the next week to house/cat sit for the next couple of months, and then start flat hunting again. I can’t even be bothered regurgitating statements about how bad the Auckland housing market is at the moment and how competitive the flat/rental scene is — it just ain’t pretty. Plus I hate moving. I own a lot of stuff. Which I had planned to be cull down after exams anyway, just as a general spring-clean type thing, but now I’m forced to. I get stupidly sentimental about dumb things I own and I’m far too into shoes and books (both of which are very heavy), so moving is going to be a mission. Urgh.

I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and deal with unexpected changes. I just wished that life gave you more warnings though, you know? So you can brace yourself a little, and close your eyes for the impacts, no matter how minor. I feel like I’m always getting smacked in the face by unexpected shit when I least expect it, when I’m most vulnerable. I just wanted a break! But I’ll be packing boxes and doing some heavy lifting instead.

During the exam period, I had somehow managed to build up quite a substantial list of “things to blog about”. But I haven’t gotten around to it yet, because I’ve been too busy enjoying my short-lived carefreeness and seeing friends that are going away for almost the entirety of summer. I wish I was the one going away instead. In the meantime, here are some crap-quality iphone photos. I’m doing a photoshoot for some friends in a couple of days’ time and also need to finish a previous project, so hopefully this blog’s photo quality will be resurrected. The photo above is of Piha, on my first day of trying to learn how to surf (before the weather and waves deteriorated), and the bottom are some of the dishes I got treated to as a “yay exams are over” meal, by the boyfriend. Apparently I’m really, really into south and central American food.

but you ain’t going nowhere, why you procrastinate girl

Taken at MoMA, New York City.

This is it — there are 12 days before my recital and 19 days before my first law exam. And then, perhaps by November 13th I will be able to con myself into relaxing and not constantly refreshing the “exam results” page.

I’ve been quite sick this week (had a fever on Monday night which carried into Tuesday) and I’m going to attempt my first full-day at uni tomorrow, but it will be Friday already. Words can’t even begin to describe how stressed out I am. I know I signed up for this workload so I’ve got to see it through, but my god — how did I ever think my mind and body are supposed to come of this intact?! I’m 99.999% sure that what I’m doing is unprecedented as I’m taking the maximum law workload along with probably the most important paper in my entire jazz degree (since it includes my recital).

Anyway, to brighten my hopes a little, here is a list of things that I look forward to doing in the fortnight right after it’s all over. In no particular order:

  1. Reading. I can’t wait to read. And read. And read. Recreationally. Without guilt as to what else Ishould be reading instead (i.e. law cases and textbooks). I will read in bed, on couches, in the sun, in the breeze, outside, inside, all night long until dawn — I will read!
  2. Play hockey. I’ve been skipping summer hockey games because I need to attend other people’s recitals, or be studying or practising. I can’t wait to show up to a summer hockey game not exhausted from my long day, and get to stay late after the game drinking beers with my team. I’ll probably throw in “go to the gym” and general “exercise” here too. They don’t really warrant new points.
  3. Writing. I have so many ideas that right now merely exist in some abbreviated, bullet-pointed form all over the place — in my phone, notebook, scattered on post-it notes, etc. I can already feel that I will be turning night and day around like I do every summer — reading and writing until dawn, then collapsing when the birds start chirping. It’s going to be amazing.
  4. Drinking beer. That’s right, drinking beer gets its own bullet point here. I fucking love beer and I can’t wait to grab a box of cold beer and be popping them open in the sun, at barbecues, whilst cooking dinner. My god… nothing beats the feeling of a cold, cold beer on a hot spring/summer’s day. I’ll be scouring for sales of all the yummy, hopsy beers, mmm.
  5. Beach. I don’t really care what kind of day at the beach it is at the moment, I just want to go to the beach. Be it to read a book, write some stuff, walk around, eat an ice block, drink a beer, read some more, tan, tan, tan, maybe even swim if it’s warm enough…
  6. Spend all day with my cat. Self-explanatory.
  7. Go to the art gallery again.
  8. Take a shitton of photos. I need to get my camera fixed ASAP.
  9. Remember that I love playing music and keep doing it. It’s not actually as much of a chore as I keep telling myself it feels like.
  10. Listen to music all day and all night long.
  11. Hang out with my friends and catch up with people.
  12. This doesn’t fit within the “fortnight” criteria but oh my god I cannot wait until my sister is home in December. It will have been over a year since I last saw her by then.
  13. Do other, spontaneous, miscellaneous, unexpected, stupid stuff. (Like suddenly leave without notice, maybe?)

to gather my thoughts when I don’t know what to say

I’m doing a bad thing. I’m sitting in bed with a packet of “fancy” chips that I find spicy, and attempting to become “informed” enough to allocate some ticks and numbers on my voting form. I’m having the best and worst time ever.

The chips are amazing (Bluebird Delisio in sweet chilli relish flavour, by the way) and I’ve just forced myself to stop eating before I finish the whooole packet. But I’m really struggling with everything else at hand.

“Anyone can [run for mayor], it’s democracy yo”, said the boyfriend’s txt. My stupefied response to the Auckland local elections booklet must have been… well fuck, I’m still sitting here blankly. Let me preface this by saying that I’m pretty sure I never have, and never will explicitly express any political views here. I feel like such a bigot but I’m really, really bothered by the selection of people running for mayor. There are seventeen candidates, and only two people who I might even consider voting for. I’m pretty sure I won’t be surprised when the results are announced.

Although some much more than others, the candidates all seem enthusiastic and genuine enough, in the quest for becoming mayor of Auckland City. But that’s the problem for me — it’s Auckland City — it’s the biggest city in this country, and a city which I can say I’m from, when traveling, without having to explain that it’s in New Zealand. (That is, unless I’m visiting my sister’s university in California, where they are convinced that Auckland is Oakland and many aren’t sure where exactly New Zealand is.)

Frankly, the calibre of many candidates are well below the threshold of what I would deem necessary to be the mayor of Auckland City. There are too many candidates whose election platforms and views are simply too narrow to be able to address the wide variety of issues that Auckland encounters. Some of the candidates in the booklet sound like they’re having a good ol’ bitch at the dinner table and just aren’t cut out for the job. It’s already caused so many facebook scandals, but needless to say, one particular candidate will be highly unpopular, as his only plan for the future of Auckland is summed up in his party name Christians Against Abortions.

This sounds picky and shallow, however, I definitely judge candidates on their eloquence, or lack thereof. I’m aware that some candidates may not have attended university, or that they perhaps didn’t study anything that was ‘word-heavy’ — but I’m so dismayed at the amount of grammatical and spelling errors. Someone sounded like an interesting, intriguing person (although one I still wouldn’t vote for), until I read to the bottom and saw that she had used the wrong “practise/practice”. Another candidate just had strange, grandiose views and his introduction read like something I’d expect from an online-dating profile. (Disclaimer: I have never been on an online dating site, thus, emphasis on “expect”.) It said something like: “Name. Aucklander. Age. Area raised in. Blah. Blah. Blah. Unemployed“. I do admire his honesty and ambitions but I can’t help raising an eyebrow at someone whose hypothetical first six weeks as mayor includes: “cease violence/crime”; “full employment”; and “talk multi-millions” in South Korea, Taiwan, Japan and South Africa. Oh, and don’t forget  “early releases” — for what? prisoners?! — and “exercising Auckland dogs”. Sorry, am I missing something here?

Another candidate’s goal is to “reinvent politics” and to “remove 75% of the politicians”. That sounds nice, but maybe we’ll strike him off that list too, in line with his own manifesto. I do like the idea of “online referendums” and “quality two-way communications”, but what do these lofty ideas really mean, on a practical level? Sadly, not all households have internet and/or web-browsing devices, so are these referendums only to be directed at those well off enough to sit in bed with their laptop like my ever-grateful self? I’m also a little miffed that he wishes to “introduce quality education” because, as much as I complain, I believe quality education does exist, although standards fluctuate between teachers, schools, faculties, lecturers, etc.

I got curious enough to visit the website of the candidate with questionable aesthetic judgment. I thought, hey, with a creepy, Edward-Norton-like, one-eyebrow-raised photo, maybe it’s a young dude having a laugh. Nope, he’s 36. Someone else asserting that they’re a “defender of what is obviously and logicallybest for people” makes me nervous. Shall we do away with all pretenses of conducting a democracy?

The point is, I’m astounded and entirely underwhelmed by the options I’m offered. Despite the dismay of the rest of the country, Auckland is the biggest city, and the rise and fall of many things are determined here. Surely there are people more eloquent, qualified, inspiring, sensible, and just all-round better even if only on paper, than the disappointing nine pages I just read?!

Semi-relevantly, why don’t they create some kind of comprehensive survey which determines your detailed political views, with the outcome being that you get offered a list of all the candidates/parties in descending order of how much they agree with your personal views. That would be helpful, especially in the context of many people voting in general elections influenced by party loyalties, rather than actual policies and directions.

I’m glad I got so worked up and needed both hands to type vigorously. I’ve got a lot of chips left.

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