Emotions, feelings…

And the hunger of those early years will never return, But I don’t mind, I don’t mind

Daylight savings is messing with my head. I know we’ve only flicked our clocks an hour forward, but somehow that hour throws me off so badly. It’s weird that I handle weird jetlag far better than this! I had my “technical jury” today, which is a technical assessment on everyone’s main instrument, in front of a panel of two teachers. It went well, I think. Not flawlessly, not amazingly, but well. And to be honest, that’s all I need right now. To be relieved. To breathe temporarily. I feel like I’m just clinging onto this university year by the fingernails (that saying sucks, bass players have really short fingernails!) so that I will be able to fall into the abyss of dreaming once again, come November. And then I will once again have to make some way-too-serious decisions about my courses next year that will potentially affect me for the rest of my life. What’s with young people and having to make big, huge decisions around the ages of 17-21? Maybe it’s for this reason that I sometimes feel I suppose the US college system where people just get a Bachelor of Arts or Science and then do post-grad if they want to do something more specific and refined. The whole specialised degree thing in New Zealand is kicking my arse right now. I don’t want to be a uni student for that much longer!

I was looking for some old travel photos earlier and stumbled across this – a photo someone took of me from 2 years and 2 months ago. I want to be that thin again. Somebody please preserve my generous bust-line and lipo my thighs away, please! That sounds awful. Urgh. Seriously though, if it weren’t for the fact that I tore those jeans in Malibu last year, I would try and take the same photo again, just to compare, for self-torture self-motivation. Why do us females do this?! So many blogs that I read have at some point or another (if not currently still) been through some kind of weight-loss scheme. I can’t handle taking tight-skimpily-clothed-photos like Amanda does, nor will I ever go “on a diet”, so I don’t see the point in rambling about this, but can my magic lose-4-kilos-nonsensically powers please come back? kthanxbai. (btw, that was the first – and last – time that I’ve ever typed that “word”)

“it would be nice to look like this again” photo. Everything’s just kinda gotten bigger – bigger boobs, bum, and hmm, hair is a close tie for size, I’d say – but they didn’t need to be! gah.

Tokyo, 2010 – taken by my friend Joel

Whilst I’m on the topic of useless requests, I’d really like to be transported back to Tokyo like about now. As seen above with some sunnies, Canon, asymmetrical-zip trench coat and thigh-high boots. I guess when I’m that covered up, I still look exactly the same… In all seriousness though, the good news of this post is that the boy and I are going to Taiwan and Hong Kong. We finally paid for our flights today, and I will leave for Taipei in mid-December, whilst he finishes up work and joins me on Boxing Day. We’ll mostly be doing awesome things everyday, as I tend to do whilst traveling – galleries, museums, shopping, eating, drinking, dancing, gigging, and photographing our way around town. It’s going to be a blast, and it will be the first time that I’ll see the infamous New Years Eve fireworks at Taipei’s 101. We’ve only got two nights in Hong Kong though, so trying to cram all the things to do there will be interesting…

I’ve also been going on and on about wanting to go to London and New York (I don’t care which first, at this point!), but as neither of us can afford it right now – obviously not after this trip! – it’s been put on the back-burner of things-Amanda-constantly-remembers-to-wish-aloud-for, haha. I need to take up more shifts promoting chocolate and crackers at the supermarket. Uni is getting in the way, but hopefully I can earn some moolah in Nov/Dec to save up ahead of time.

Taipei, 2010 – taken by my friend Joel

And summer hockey starts this week, yay. I’m playing in two teams on both Wednesday and Thursday, so it’s going to bring a lot of exercise for me that has lapsed since winter hockey finished this month. Maybe this getting-my-old-figure-back thing might actually happen after all, haha. In the meantime though, I just might tape up my knees so that they don’t get skinned and see blood, as the law ball is on this Saturday. You’ve been warned: the boy has bought the most amazing suit ever, and to be honest, I don’t think he ought to go out in it as it’d just be a waste of hundreds of dollars since I’ll just want to rip the thing right off him. Plus, it means I have to fight for the limelight, which was meant to be relatively easy in a gold dress, but not so, next to a fucking gorgeous blue suit worn by such a handsome lad. I really miss him tonight, can you tell?

love changes everything, I see my life in daydreams, little scenes of you and me

Winter seemed ridiculously long, yet far too short at the same time. The boy says I keep saying these juxtaposing sentences which makes no sense, but I think that on some levels they do. In the way that whilst I hate the piercing wind giving me head and earaches and making a wreck of my hair, I’ve only worn out my big long coat twice this year. I keep staying up far too late and not focusing on the right things but I’m adamant on posting this playlist before I hit the hay tonight!

And out of humour rather than offense, here’s the highly stereotyped and highly generalised breakdown before the playlist itself – if you like “nice” and what I secretly call “disposable music” then ref to #3 & #6; for those into more electronic-based sounds (see what I meant about highly generalised?), ref to #1, #2, #4, #8 & #9; #5 is a generally what people refer to as “indie rock” and #7 is very, very noisy. In fact I had wanted to post different songs by the band, but figured it was probably too self-indulgent to post such questionable noise which I love. And for the record, #2, #3 & #4 are songs with female vocals.

1. Should Have Taken Acid With You – Neon Indian
The boy and I obsessed over how awesome the first chord of this song was, and I was determined to find The Kills’ song which had the same chord (it’s on “Hit Me When You 1-2”, by the way). We were discussing how apparently this song was initially an apology for a missed acid date, and I said it would have been amazing if I were to one day receive something of the sort in my inbox, but you know, wishful thinking… Although we did devise loose plans for me to teach him the basics of playing guitar. That would be nice. Anecdotes aside, this is just a nice and chilled out song. Sounds like he knew what acid would be in sonic form, haha.

2. Stonefruit – Halou
I can’t get over how the song builds up. How it washes in and out relentlessly. I can listen to this song on repeat for aaaaages, no joke. In fact, I’ve done so many times before.

3. Love You Strongly – Amy Stroup
From whence the title of this entry came. It reminds me of song #6 on this list, that’s why I’ve put them both on. To be honest, I could easily (and I guess I am now) classify this as a disposable pop song by another singer songwriter, because there’s nothing ground-breaking nor particularly innovative in the song at all. But to be fair, I still like it just because it’s sweet. It’ll be forgotten by me soon enough, I won’t deny, but I think it might become one of those songs for when I need a dose of something sickly lovey-dovey. I say damn right love changes everything, it makes me fucking mushy and he knows it.

4. I Follow Rivers – Lykke Li
To those who know what Lykke Li’s music sounds like, you’d know what I mean when I say that this is pretty “Lykke-Li-ish”. There’s two main components that I like about this song. The first being syncopated drum motif that weaves in and out in all the right spaces of the song. The second is the declaratory lyrics and the matter-of-factly manner in which she sings it. Once again, loved up shit.

5. This Heart’s On Fire – Wolf Parade
It was pissing me off that I couldn’t remember the name of the guy who Wolf Parade’s singer’s voice reminds me of… and then a quick google search later, I realised that they’re the same person, d’oh! Major oopsies. Yeah, so I was sitting here going, man they remind me of Handsome Furs (who I actually stopped listening to after I saw them live… long story for next time, perhaps), and then I realised that’s because Dan Boeckner fronts both bands. Idiocy aside, I uhh enjoyed the guitar sounds? That sounds lame. I was going to mostly go on about the vocals, but obviously that was a failure.

6. 3 Rounds and a Sound
It’s just a nice, typical love song with sweet lyrics. And as I mentioned above, I only put this song on this playlist because song #3 sounds reaaaaaaaally, excruciatingly similar. But hey, it’s still sweet?

7. Deadbeat – A Place To Bury Strangers
I really felt like putting A Place To Bury Strangers’ song on here, but my other picks had less recognisable riffs and I thought was probably too noisy for most readers… so I picked something with (not as awesome, dammit!) lyrics, but is kinder to the ear. Bear with me, I love noise noise noiiise. Speaking of which, last Friday the double bass I was playing at uni started feedbacking into the amp and I had NO IDEA how that happened. Twice in a row! I’ve never ever produced bass feedback before in my life, let alone with an acoustic bass that was just plugged in. I know it sounds really backwards that I was so happy that it happened, but bear in mind the context that I’ve been putting up with singers and guitarists causing intolerable feedback for half my life, and I could finally enjoy the luxury of creating such a noise. Plus, it actually sounded good, rather than screeching and deafening. It totally made my day, haha.

8. I Can Get Love – Toro Y Moi
Digging Toro Y Moi’s new EP. It makes me bop and dance around in my room wearing only my boyfriend’s t-shirt. You know those Bonds ads? I totally do that. ALL THE TIME. Those black hipsters are the bessst.

9. Arcade Blues – Neon Indian
After a few more (okay a LOT more) listens, this song has ended up being my favourite song off Neon Indian’s latest album that I had posted about in the last playlist. But unfortunately the site that was streaming the album off has ceased doing so, and this particular song can’t be located anywhere else online. So you might just have to uhh “source it” in order to hear it. But I love love love this song. Not 100% sure why exactly though… it’s just one of those songs that you feel instantly familiar with, even though it’s brand new and you’ve never heard it before. That’s how I feel about it anyway.

As for what shenanigans I got up to on the weekend, it was hockey prizegiving! Which essentially meant trying to not over or under-dress, and definitely entailed getting a bit tipsy. Our captain, Sam, is Irish and had tickets to go see Ireland vs Australia in the pool play of the world cup, but she managed to pop around to our pre-drinks for a couple of photos first. I am SO HAPPY that Ireland beat Australia! (Awaiting the backlash from my Aussie readers now…) It’s going to be interesting to see what happens now because this essentially means that Australia and South Africa are on a collision course in the round after pool play now… Which I’m sure no All Black supporter would mind. And to those who commented on how they didn’t realise that rugby was so popular – well just remember the context that New Zealand is a Commonwealth country, AND we have one of the top rugby teams in the world (hopefully THE top team, soon!) – which for a population of just over 4 million is something to be proud of – and the fact that it’s the most popular sport in the country!

Not to digress further, photos of aforementioned shenanigans below. And also, what the hell but some guy took his pants off on the dancefloor and we saw EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! It was SO uncalled-for and I thought it was hilarious how several of my team mates commented on how they’re glad they know that they’re “going home to” afterwards, haha. I know it confused the boy for a while because my last txt to him before my phone ran flat was a report of the pant-less incident, and needless to say he was relieved to see me sometime after midnight!

 

There are 5 people on the team that were absent. Lame.

Awesome snacks that I mostly didn’t touch because I wasn’t hungry, gah.

Nicole (our goalie) digging out the shots that she brought for us, ha!

Vice-Capt Sav grinning in the centre – her new house was super nice.

That’s my hand there with the red nail polish, surprise surprise.

I’m still not a Bailey’s fan. Eck.

Kim’s first ever shot of anything, I’m pretty sure. Girl is crazy.

Me with my trusty Speights beer. Liz our “player’s player” and Kim.

Remember Kevin Bacon? We gave him some beer, haha.

Okay yeah I just got sick of captions. Bedtiime. It’s well overdue.

you were made for life, you’re lost to the world, very transparent, very selfish, beautiful powerful careless women – watch it

There are currently two great mysteries which I would like to solve right this minute. Well, actually there are three, but one is far too blush-inflicting to ever mention publicly. Although I should stop right now and warn you that to be honest they aren’t “great mysteries” by any stretch of the imagination, but are just things that have been pinching at my nerves with great pressure…

If you have scrolled through this blog at all or even glanced at the sidebar, you can see that I’m very much into photography. Having said that, it seems that I tend to fail rather miserably in front of the camera (except when it is I who has taken the photo) and most especially when I’m the only person in a photo. This leads me to Life’s-Great-Mystery-Right-This-Very-Instant #1 – why is it that I look horrible even in photos taken by my own mother, who is a professional photographer that specialised in portraiture and children’s photography, no less? I’m not going to post any examples, because it’s too cringe worthy and I can’t bear to splash unflattering photos of myself on the internet when enough people have done so already… but the question remains, why?! My mum has said herself, that even she can’t figure out why, and that I make her feel incompetent! For some reason unbeknownst to us, I tend to just seize up and hate being in front of the camera, especially when she’s behind it. I really don’t know why. She thinks its ironic that she used to make a killing living by making ugly people look pretty, but cannot seem to make me look… anywhere near normal or how I usually look, let alone look good. I just look astoundingly dreadful in her photos. To contrast this, here’s a random picture I took of myself in a public bathroom. That sounds like an idiotic thing to do, yes, I don’t deny that, but let me rephrase – it was the bathroom at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood, and I was waiting for someone else to finish up, you see. Anyway, the point is, I look absolutely normal there, as I would usually look, if you were to run into me on any given day (except when I’m in a bad mood). So therein lies the great mystery – why do I look nice in thoughtless photos taken in bathrooms of famous places, and instead look awful in pictures taken by other people, even a professional with whom I live and am very close to?

  
  

Just some more photos from Grauman’s Chinese Theater (I thought I’d spell it the way it’s spelt over there…) which I never got around to posting.

As for Life’s-Great-Mystery-Right-This-Very-Instant #2, I am very curious to know whether I am the only person who thinks like this or does this: does anyone else ever think of painful things that are touchy subjects or just things in general that bring you great pain from the past, even though you’re “over it”… and rather, does anyone else do this in almost like a scab-picking way wherein you test the waters a bit, and the first time the thin new skin peels off and it hurts like hell again, but the next time it heals back slightly better and it hurts less, and you repeat this cycle until it’s almost like you’ve desensitised yourself to these great painful memories from the past? I keep doing it, I can’t fucking help it. I have been feeling increasingly better and calmer about things in the past that just a month or two ago would have outright upset me to the point of tears instantly, but I just still don’t feel completely healed. It’s even worse when I feel like there are things that I would have had control over, if only I had known I could reach certain people at all. I guess that’s why I just keep playing the blame game in my head, even though I know it’s pointless, and this is the happiest I have been for a long, loooong time.

On (the fear of) old diaries and notebooks:

Try me, now
Is it safe yet?
Those wounds you shared
Is it safe yet?

Open it, now
Has it been long enough?
Those fires you snuffed
Has it been long enough?

Right/write it, now
Is what you said still true?
Those deepest scars of you
Is what you said still true?

And good lord, please, the All Blacks must destroy Japan in their match tomorrow, or the country will be outraged, especially with the “not risking top players with minor injuries” going on at the moment…

want to hate you but then I kiss you, want to kill you but then I’d miss you – you drive me crazy but I love you

Edit: PAGE OF THINGS FOR SALE HERE!

I feel absolutely dreadful today. I think I contracted a cold overnight, and that, mixed in with my allergies today, means I just feel physically miserable. So I dug up a photo of a nice view from a very happy day, and just thought, oh take me back there!

Taken in San Francisco back in last November – I can’t believe it’s been ten months since I was there – I really, really want to go back there again. I’ve got to! One day, when we can afford it, I’m going to twist the boy’s arm and make him come with me. Not that I think any arm-twisting is actually necessary… that is, once the “when we can afford it” part is sussed. Speaking of going away though, we have another trip (this time overseas!) brewing in the works, for Christmas/New Years – just have to book the flights and suss it out. It’s going to be absolutely amazing.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I love traveling. And I’m currently using happy thoughts and memories of it as a means to feel less miserable. I REALLY cannot afford to be sick right now, what with uni resuming again on Monday (I have a test that very day!), and the Rugby World Cup starting on Friday night – which means a big night out, I’m certain. The good news of the day is that the job interview I had yesterday was successful, and now I have part-time/casual work that will pay fairly well. No doubt the funds collected from that job will go towards traveling elsewhere again. I swear, I’m more than happy to empty my entire bank account into two things: travel and fashion – and to be honest… it seems that’s all I’ve been doing since last year.

Which brings me to the next bit – I think I’m going to start trying to sell some of my old stuff on here for cheap. Because Trademe/Ebay and the like are honestly far too much effort, so selling directly here only seems to make sense. My life has changed so much in the past year, that I guess it’s only fair enough that my wardrobe should too. Since it’s been a constant “in with the new” in both life and attire, I guess it’s about time I get on with the “out with the old” part as well. My friends and the boy only know too well how much difficulty I have with letting the past and old things go, so… well this might be a small step towards that. I swear, I often “test” myself by thinking about the worst things possible from the past, just to see how much I can bear it. Like, what the hell is wrong with me?!

Sooo, playlist time:

1. Take Off Your Cool – Outkast with Norah Jones
I love how this song opens with acoustic guitar that sounds nothing like Outkast, and then the crooning comes in… and you know it. Norah Jones is sexy as always though. I remember being a 12-year-old and singing along to her album that mum would play in her car.

2. Crazy For You – Best Coast
Uhh, pretty much how I feel about the boy. Ref to title. That’s all. Oh yeah, except for the bit where I really am, for sure, definitely crazy.

3. Heart in Your Heartbreak – The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
I remember hearing this album for the first time and thinking, oh my god, I swear I’ve heard this before! It’s just a really familiar-sounding album for me, and I mean that in an endearing way. This song is retardedly sweet and painful and all those silly things that I adore.

4. Blindside Kiss – Neon Indian
A couple of hours ago the boy txted me saying that I should listen to Neon Indian’s new album, because he thought that I’d like it. And I do. No more, will I get them confused with Ariel Pink. This album is much more shoe-gazey-and-hazy, and this song is a prime example. I need a lot more listens. The link doesn’t go to Youtube, but goes to some place where the album is streamed, by the way.

5. Strangers – White Lies
Is it fair on White Lies to say that this song is the epitome of what I think of them as? A running bass line, recurring melodic idea on synth, same old deep vocals… I’m making this sound awful, but I swear it’s not. It’s nice. That’s why it’s on here. I’m rambling now. Because I just had to blow my nose three times in a row and now my ears are under pressure, my head hurts, my throat hurts, and the point is, I lost my place as to what I was going to say about this song, dammit!

6. Clinging On For Life – The Hoosiers
This song seriously makes me want to cry.

7. Rome – Phoenix
Because Phoenix are fucking awesome! And listening to them makes me think of the film Somewhere (that they largely hogged the soundtrack of, obviously…), and it’s funny because I had watched that film right after I got back from California, and it was so surreal going “woah I drove down that street too”, or whatever. Who’s the boy you like the most?

True and everlasting that’s what you want, True and everlasting that’s what you want. Do you remember when 21 years was old?

It’s finally mid-semester break, signalling the long-awaited two weeks of pseudo-holiday that we’ve been longing for – before this semester even began. The boy and I just got back from our half-secret trip to Rotorua yesterday, and it’s no surprise that I’ve taken hundreds of photos that took forever to sort out. It’s been three of the most relaxing, beautiful and unforgettable days of my life, spent with the most unforgettable person I know. I can’t wait to get my films developed so I can see the rest of my photos! And I also can’t wait to do something like this again… summer, please don’t be too long.

Photo diary with chronological commentary:

We stayed in a log cabin for the first night. Since I accidentally (stupidly) revealed to Daniel a couple of weeks ago as to where we were going, I’m glad I’ve managed to keep the more special parts secret – where we are staying, precisely. It was definitely worth the effort just to see the delighted look on his face as we drove up to the cabin and stepped inside – we’d been talking about wanting to stay in a “log cabin” for a while now, so I’m glad that it’s turned out to be exactly what we were after. It was the coziest, cutest thing – perfect.

The boy setting the GPS, before we had quite figured out where things were in Rotorua.

Luggage. Mostly consisting of towels and cameras.

We decided to visit the Polynesian Spa first, and this was the view we spent our first afternoon with. A worthwhile $21.50 for the Adult Pools, albeit the all rude staring men (and some asian girls that followed me around with their eyes). Where Daniel exercised territorial glances and I translated the ridiculous conversations of self-righteous Chinese tourists who decided it would be okay to include me in their conversational topics, without realising that, yes indeed, I may just understand every single word.

There were a lot of seagulls as the Spas looked out over Sulphur Bay.

The stunning view that the 41C spa had – if only that spa had been cooler, we wouldn’t have had to sit on the edge the whole time, whilst I got chilly shoulders and mozzie bites!

The golden, hard-to-pry-for-a-photo smile.

He took a photo of me, taking a photo of him.

The aforementioned spa. It was the most crowded one, as it had the best view.

View from where we bought burgers and fries for dinner.

Eating dinner, lakeside, with the last fading rays of sunset.

Lake Rotorua.

Back inside the cabin, where we devoured Shingle Peak Reisling and chocolate biscuits.

Feeeeet.

We woke up the next morning to a shock score of Arsenal losing 8-2 to Man U. And spent much of the next couple of days returning to “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!!! EIIIGHT-TWOOO!!!”

We brought a pot of dumplings to cook for breakfast… but the fridge kind of froze the pot.

Locking up the cabin.

This was an absolute failure of a stove. Several attempts and a change of stoves later, we finally cooked the dumplings.

Back to the cabin we go…

…with rather destroyed-looking dumplings.

Trying to eat with a plastic spoon.

The dumplings were all mushy and stuck together because they had been sitting in warm water for far too long, before the stove decided to heat up enough to achieve boiling point.

Teeth brushing.

All packed up and ready to leave. I miss this cabin already.

At Hell’s Gate Thermal Reserve.

Kakahi Falls, “the largest natural hot waterfalls in the southern hemisphere”.

Unsuspecting photo by the generous camera-bag holder.

The landscape was so desolate and other-worldly and we loved every minute of it. Also, thanks largely to my photographing ways and knack for pointing out and staring at every nook and cranny, we stayed much longer than the prescribed 45-ish minutes for the walk.

At first we complained that it was cloudy and the weather wasn’t great, but then we decided that it made everything look far more volcanic and appropriate.

Another unsuspecting photo taken by the boy.

Black mud. Really, really hot stuff.

More hot stuff. Haha.

Caught-off-guard photos.

I think I like this one the best.

And then I attacked with a flick of the scarf.

The “steamy photo” of the boy. We had a bit of a misunderstanding about that phrase later on… haha. I made this photo black and white because I think it makes it look far better. I also took photos on black and white film, but I won’t get to see them for a while yet. Well worth paying $30 to enter the reserve, just to get this photo.

Apparently this mud volcano is still growing…

Hand holder.

Playing with the grey mud that we were allowed (and recommended) to touch. It felt really good on the skin, too.

Instead of visiting the Red Woods, we hit up Hamurana Springs instead – where the water was clear and purely amazing!

Makes me think of the Forbidden Forest. I’ve always preferred “forests” over “bush”, but New Zealand is mostly covered with bush – that’s why I enjoyed this so much. Although it was largely a blend of the two.

Yet another unsuspecting photo of me and my red scarf.

Self timerrr.

One of my favourite photos ever. It looks really constructed and cropped, but that’s just how the camera happened to drop onto the tree stump that I set the self timer onto.

The head of the spring, which is the largest in the North Island. It’s approximately 15m deep, and can you believe this thing has about 4,500,000 litres of water flowing out of it every hour?!

Don’t fall in.

Pleaase.

View from above.

Ferns.

Reflections #1.

Reflections #2.

Late lunch at Thirty1Five Restaurant.

$10 Beef Nachos – sooo delicious and incredible value for money. I think for the first time in my life I had more ingredients than I had chips to scoop it up with!

King Spa Deluxe Room I got a deal for at the Rydges Hotel. The boy looking pretty pleased with himself…

…and pretty pleased with the fact that we then got to watch the football highlights on Sky Sports.

Post-swim complimentary drinks at the Mezz Bar in the hotel. The bartender had just shut down the bar and was delighted that we made his job easy with 2x Monteiths orders.

Wreckage.

Indulgence.

More indulgence.

The next morning we rocked up to our free buffet breakfast at 10am, only to discover that the buffet shuts at 10am. Luckily they let us fill our plates with as much food as possible, before they cleared the buffet away. Won’t make that mistake next time!

Crazy kids.

The morning after.

We decided to go for a walk around Sulphur Bay – the bay that the Polynesian Spas had looked out on.

Sort of didn’t exactly “stay on the footpath” as signs had warned. The idea of DANGER DANGER was too exciting. Plus, how often to you get to check out boiling pools of water in the ground?!

The whole bay was steaming.

Marbled sulphur.

At the Government Gardens.

Me being ruining a perfectly good photo, haha.

Sweetness.

Car ride home.

The corrugated iron sheep at Tirau.

Fucking amazing trip. The End.

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