Emotions, feelings…

I’m trying to put this thing to bed, I’ve drugged it in its sleep. There aren’t many memories I’m comfortable to keep

The painting that I had started in this post last month was finished quite a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to post the final product, until a friend reminded me about it just before. I couldn’t figure out the best quick and easy way to photograph the painting, because of the gold paint that I had used – it looks different depending on which angle and lighting you see it at. I didn’t think much about what I was doing when I was slopping layers after layers of paint onto canvas, but in hindsight there is so much about it that I could analyse about myself. This fact scares me a little. I hadn’t painted in yeeears, and I rather miss it; although back in the day I used to do more realistic, rather than abstract and erratic stuff.

I compiled the following playlist with a lot of emotion, and very lack of thought. I say lack of thought because at first glance it will seem completely uncohesive and probably make little sense to you, but I hope that the tracks get listened to. I literally didn’t “think” about what songs I wanted on this playlist, I just chose song after song, and dug up links for them. But once again, in hindsight, there is so much that one could read into my song choices. They all have relevant themes, lyrics and feel. For example, I just noticed that there are several songs on here that are quite long – there are 5 songs that are longer than 6 minutes, the longest being over 8 minutes. The songs are all either very old or very new loves of mine, and each song just feels… relevant. I wish I had a better word to describe this playlist, but maybe the best I can say is that it is very “right now, this moment, this evening” for me.

Click on the bold titles for youtube links of the tracks:

1. In Particular – Blonde Redhead
After a night’s marathon of listening to them, I’ve finally fallen in love. “Such a good band to escape into.”

2. Howlin’ For You – The Black Keys
Looking forward to seeing these guys in 5 days’ time! Their set should be super tight.

3. Hero – Regina Spektor
Hearing this song reenacts the scene from 500 Days of Summer in my head… of heartbreak.

4. Alabaster – Foals
Song from an amazing album, where everything just builds and builds so nicely. Layers. I love layers, and by that I mean I love layers in everything – music, paint, writing plots and subplots, the undertows of character, clothing… I could go on forever.

5. My Same – Adele
Oh, how this feels! I love the crispy accompaniment in this song as well… the tone of that guitar and subtle but precise, driving bass.

6. Tourist – Athlete
This song reminds me of my friend Sinead – she was the one who got me into this band, and this song in particular. Listened to it today, and just… its relevance is killing me.

7. Bees – Warpaint
One of my most listened-to tracks since Boxing Day. I could loop this and its precursor (Undertow) on their album over and over and over and over.

8. Only In Dreams – Weezer
I’ve finally stopped repeating this song obsessively, but last month I gave it a good enough run for a lifetime. I’m not a Weezer fanatic, but this is one song I love. I half wrote a song based on a tangent of this idea…

9. Belief – John Mayer
Something about this guitar line, so simple, but I really like it…

10. But Not For Me – Chet Baker
Unfortunately, this isn’t the same version as the one that I’ve got, which has a very speedy bass solo on it, woah.

11. Sister – Sufjan Stevens
Need to buy our tickets, but I am seeing this man perform next month in Wellington. The lyrical guitar just gets me, every time. From my favourite album of his, Seven Swans.

12. Here In My Room – Incubus
Everything about this song is beautiful – I’m a huge fan of Brandon Boyd’s lyrics.

13. The Lost Art of Keeping A Secret – Queens of the Stone Age
I need to fish together roughly $85 to see these guys next month, ahhh! Not used to paying for gigs again.

14. I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab For Cutie
The long build up makes it worth it. In my opinion it reflects precisely what the song is on about.

15. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead – Stars
For F.M.D., because we both know what it feels like.

16. When You Sleep – My Bloody Valentine
I will never forget the day I was introduced to this band and Loveless. So fucking ironic. LOVELESS.

17. Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
Can’t believe they played this at a club last night. Danced/moshed/headbanged to this like the 15 year old I once was, except this time I was wearing rather high heels. This song was far more amazing when I saw it live though, of course – as opposed to in some basement club where sweat is dripping off the ceiling and we have to fend boys off with a stick.

I wish I could stop using this word in this post already, but even the post title is spot-on relevant. A lot of friends of mine don’t understand why I blog, and et cetera sort of questions surrounding the practice of blogging. Ironically, this blog documents my life better than my notebooks, in which I do scribble about “major events” and the odd mundane, daily happenings – but mostly I only ever craft in ink things that are nonsensical, lyrical, extremely painful, descriptive, or all of the above. And that’s why I’m saying this here, rather in some “diary” of sorts, which I don’t actually keep, because – this is it.

A couple of nights ago I had a huge emotional epiphany. It’s far too long of a story to even begin to explain, but I feel fucking great for finally having years and years’ worth of mostly self-inflicted emotional burden and pain lifted off me. Surely I’m not the only person in the world to have been so in love with an idea that you toy with it, torture yourself with it, lay it to rest and then wake it back up, repeatedly, until you can’t tell fact from fiction? And some days, you get a glimpse of the reality that you can see in the mirror, minus all the imaginary artifacts you’ve built around you… but you simply deny such insight as merely doubt. Why is it that we never want to see what we’re blindly in love with, for what it truly is? Something intangible that you concoct excuses for in your head. Largely a figment of your imagination that is based on only a mere strand of truth and reality.

So, reality, here I am. At last. I’ve unloaded a pile of the past, and now I have to deal with the present. I’m not sure I like how this feels right now, because everything I deal with is suddenly so much more tangible than everything else I’ve been living in my head. But it’s for this precise reason that I need to have moved on – the present affects the future, and this is the one aspect of my life that has had the most dire outlook. I can’t remain the madwoman that I’ve been for years, because “to repeat the same action over and over and expect different results is the very definition of madness”, and it’s a rather stupid and self-deprecating process to keep repeating, to be honest.

The problem is, all of the above sounds like a really fine and dandy conclusion to have drawn, to date – but now I don’t know what choices I want to make from this point forth. I am forever a slave to indecisiveness, and wanting to have the best of both worlds. The ironic thing is, one could say “both these worlds you’re choosing between are highly flawed, you deserve better, keep waiting for a new option” – but that’s not really living in the right now, in the today… and we all know that living in the moment is something I’m notorious for. Even when I was overshadowed by the past, and the idea of the resurrection of the past, I still lived too much in the moment, without thought.

What to do?! There isn’t really a right or wrong. Ultimately, I just feel like I’m being too selfish right now.

And, the way, they make, you toe the line. I’ll sever my ties. Oh I’m so clever, You’re so clever, but you’re not very nice

Double exposure. I always forget to try it out when I have my film slr with me, but instead only remember when I have a dslr. I ‘ve never really been into the photoshopped overlays out there that try to create the double exposure effect, nor have I really tried to photoshop one before. It just seems slightly less interesting that the “real thing”. There’s a London photographer who I’ve been inspired by for years and years now, and she does a lot of film work as well as messing with double exposures and good old fashioned filters. Anyway, I took these a year ago one night in my room when I got really bored, and they were on the films from California in the last post that had just gotten developed. Nonsensical, pointless stuff, but it was pretty fun at the time. As you can see, I kinda fucked it up at one point, and whoever processed the film and scanned it didn’t make it any better, haha.

Two nights, three of the same people, aren’t we just such moronic funsters… We found a friend’s car on the side of the road and the other two decided it would be fun to leave the poor bloke a little note. I hope nothing happened to his car though, because he left his amp in plain view in the backseat! Also, last picture on the bottom right – isn’t that just such a cute little door knocker? Evenings with shenanigans that I prefer as memories.

My sleeping is messed up, and I don’t ever want to sleep. Yet once I am sleeping, I don’t ever want to wake. The days are too hot and short, and I need to get more things done. I have this weird obsession of constantly having to express myself either in a musical, photographic or written form… but the problem with that is, those things take time, which equates to less time to live out such things which I then regurgitate creatively. Can time please pause when I practise the bass? Or when I want to sit down to either read or write a book? I keep having to try and shove negative thoughts and emotions out of the way, keep having to try and stop wasting time being upset at things and people who aren’t even aware that I’m upset over. And right now, I am holding off eating dinner until I click “Publish” on this post. My life is an endless battle against the current of fast-flowing time. Don’t even let me make a flooding metaphor right now, it would be globally inappropriate, currently.

I’m goin back home to the west coast, I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase

*I wrote this entry, and then wished that I had written it from the bottom upwards. But it’s 2.36am so I can’t be bothered with rearranging and editing so that it still makes sense… just scroll and scroll and scroll… at least it gets happier as my thoughts run on?*

Yesterday my younger sister departed Auckland after 3 weeks of holidaying back home with us, and I really, really miss her already. The airport was in a state of chaos yesterday – I know most airports are, but the hectic state in which the Auckland International Airport was in yesterday, was above and beyond anything I’d ever seen in NZ before. Firstly, it took us forever to find a spot to park our car , almost akin to that of shopping malls in the pre-Christmas rush. This never happens here! We had admittedly gotten to the airport on the late rather than earlier side of things, but still well on time… except somehow the queue dragged and dragged, and eventually we were told that some system required for travelers to the states was down, and things had to get authorised by the US first, before they were allowed to manually enter something or another. After over two hours of hovering around, Liv finally managed to check in – officially the last person to do so… well after her “last boarding call” as well as flight time! Obviously the plane would have been delayed by then, in order for her to board, but the announcements of gate closure and the whole “final boarding call” thing really didn’t help us with our stress. But funnily enough (and I love her for this), Liv’s biggest concern for mum and I was the rate at which our expensive airport parking was ticking up at. It was evidently the least of our concerns by then!

I’ve always hated airports, except when I’m picking up someone. Because, frankly, who likes to see loved ones depart, regardless of the reason? And if they’re not a loved one, then I certainly wouldn’t be seeing them off an an airport, unless I was doing a favour to someone by dropping them off. It took every mature ounce of self control in me that I could muster yesterday to not let tears roll down my cheeks – after all, Liv is simply going back to Malibu to resume her study and golfing, but I couldn’t help but feel left behind – like I’m missing out on precious sister time with her whilst we’re still young. It certainly wasn’t easy the first time round when she first left in August, but it hasn’t gotten any easier now, seeing her off for her second semester

I wonder if saying goodbye to people gets easier for anyone else?

Goodbyes are my biggest weakness. In mandarin, “goodbye” is translated literally as “again” and “meet”; so my grandma has always said if there was no parting, there wouldn’t be the joy of reunion. In a way, this is perhaps the only thing that keeps me afloat when I think I can’t handle saying goodbye. Writing this now just makes me miss not only my sister but my grandma. I wish I could put into words all the things I’d like to say to her. She was such an influence on me as a young child, and I know a lot of is has carried over – such as my love of words, reading, writing, literature in general, and quotes and the art of chinese proverbs (which I really need to work on). Perhaps a story and tangent for another day…

Here’s a song that Liv and I have been listening to repeatedly for the last day she was here: “West Coast” by Coconut Records. The lyrics are oh-so-appropriate, and the song is really cute:

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you’re still around
And i miss you
I’m going back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I’m goin back home to the west coast

The bright side to this entry is the fact that I’ve finally gotten my developed films back! I took a couple of rolls of Ilford black and white film in LA and San Francisco, and I’ve uploaded them all to my photography site, so click here for the full set. Seeing these just makes me 1/ really, really want to go traveling again; 2/ not regret having killed my left shoulder by carrying a fiml slr as well as a dslr around everywhere in a bag; 3/ miss using b/w film, and wish that film development wasn’t such a hassle (I had these mailed back to Taiwan for processing as it was far, far, far cheaper, even with postage fees).  Here are some of my personal favourites:

I remember how excited I was on the plane when I took this… and how I wondered as to how good this photo, and the trip would turn out to be.

Powell Street in San Francisco, at the bottom of one of the cable car lines. I love love LOVE this city.

How amazing is this music store?! It was completely filled with 2nd hand music equipment. Found in North Beach.

Golden Gate Bridge, of course. With an Amanda-spin.

Under the in famous bridge.

It took me ages to get this shot – I had to time it so that the people all around me all sat down or ducked down at the same time!

View from inside the cable car.

Palace of Fine Arts.

Post office in Hollywood.

Window of Urban Outfitters, Cahuenga Blvd.

On the way up to the Getty Centre.

Getty Centre after dark with long shutter exposure. No one dared to walk in front of me and my camera – I had to ask them to please proceed!

I admittedly stalked down a few (hopefully unsuspecting) people to get some photos…

Like this.

Self portrait in a series of mirrors at the souvenir store. It’s also my first facebook profile picture change in a year!

Oh yeah, before I forget, one nice thing came of the long and arduous wait in the airport check-in queues – we passed a lot of the time chatting to a cellist who studies in Lansing, Michigan. The guy was super nice and relatable to talk to (not to mention a bit cute, shhh); turns out he’s actually pretty amazing, according to not only the internet, but youtube results. I’d always said… in another life, if I were to be a classical musician, I would totally pick the cello.

So cheers to yet another chance encounter with someone who shone a bit of light on my day and also a little on my dreams. Sometimes it’s nice to have the world seem a little smaller.

I’m gonna meet you on the astral plane, The astral plane or I’ll go insane

I’ve never been huge on dogs, mostly because I was bitten by a huge one (unprovoked!) as a kid, and I still have the scar to show for it. But lately, I keep finding dogs really cute, and even entertain the idea of having one in the far off future. Maybe. I’m not a leopard, so I can change my spots.

Yesterday we went over to an old family friends’ place for a barbecue, where Liv and I visited our old pal, a cute dog called Penny. He’s only a couple of years younger than Liv, which makes him ancient in dog years, and it was very visible from the way he had difficulty walking, as well as his overall laziness. It just made me so, so sad, and dread the day where our cat gets that old too… I remember when he used to be such an energetic little dog that we couldn’t calm down and he would run and yap and yelp all the time – where as now we had trouble attracting his attention, even with food! Anyway, here’s Penny in all his cute glory, my oldest friend in New Zealand.

Of course, I couldn’t do a dog post without posting our cute cat as well. A couple of hours ago, we found him curled up in Liv’s suitcase and we immediately gushed over his cuteness and whipped our cameras out. However, by the time my sister’s rear end got our of my way for me to snap a few of him, she had already pissed him off thoroughly – with constant flashing in his eyes and calling his name – that he simply wasn’t in a cutesy sleepy mood anymore, and was just purely unimpressed. Luckily for him, I don’t use flash. We’re going on a little trip up north for a couple of nights, so this affectionate chappy will hopefully not miss us tooo much!

On late nights like these where I sit here or in bed and write and write, I wonder if I should be doing something more productive such as sleeping. I love sleeping, but evidently never in the “correct” hours of the day. I glance at the time and tell myself “you’ll regret this tomorrow”, and I mostly do, but there is something just so satisfying with having this time to myself. As if not only the whole house (yes, cat included), but the whole world was asleep, and this time was just between me and my mind. Asides from feeling the most creative or mentally productive at these hours, I’m also often the most upset and depressed. It’s when my problems I can distract myself from all day can no longer escape my consciousness. So I transcribe such things into words. And wonder to myself – is this stuff ever worth reading?

I finally grew a little bit of courage and started the momentous task of writing a novella/novel-type thing. The main problem I have is, I’m not sure how to set the timeline and in which order to do it, because it’s like a back and forth flashback/present-day thing. Why couldn’t I have made this easier for myself?! Hopefully spending the next couple of days away in the countryside relaxing on the beach will suss my mind out. I take and handle things too personally.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” e. e. cummings

Does the body rule the mind, Or does the mind rule the body? But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore, For there are brighter sides to life

HAPPY 2011 EVERYONE!!!

I can’t even begin to describe how refreshing it is to feel like I have a really nice and refreshing new start. I’m happily crossing things off to-do lists and today I gave my room a thorough tidy-up, as well as slept in new sheets last night on the first night of 2011. This is going to be a much better year than last. I know every other person is probably saying that, but considering the amount of crap I went through last year, I’m determined and excited for this to be true.

The highlight of my day today was remembering that I had bought a lotto ticket from my friend Sinead at the supermarket yesterday, and deciding to check the numbers online… and it turns out that I had a Division 4 Bonus Ball win, which equals $60 for me! Yusssss. See – looking like a fantastic start to the year already. My sister and I had slightly misread the results online and almost thought I might have won a bit more, but sixty bucks redeemed at Charlotte’s workplace suits me just fine. Isn’t it just handy to have two best friends work at Lotto outlets? I rarely buy lotto tickets and like to save them for special occasions, so I thought, heck, it’s 1.1.11, it can’t hurt!

My quote of the moment: “To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.” – Emily Dickinson

Here are some photos from my New Year’s Eve Yard Party – only a handful of them were taken by me, before inebriation, haha. The rest were taken by my sister and apparently my friend Veronique was the one who took gazillions of photos of the red cups and beer pong in progress:

The conception of the brilliant beer pong table came about when I agreed to let Ethan bring his friend Curtis along to my party. I also asked him in the same txt whether he had a long enough table suitable for beer pong or not, and he said he didn’t – but that they would build one! A bit skeptical, I asked how serious they were – to which Ethan replied “His dad’s a builder, he’s an architect [student] and I’m an engineer[ing student], between us, we’ve definitely got it down” – and that they did! Apparently they modeled the colours and “BMS” off “Blue Mountain State”, but it just so happens to also be Liv’s school colours at Pepperdine, haha.

That rude person’s photo-bombing hand is mine, I’m a bit embarrassed to say. And I really don’t look too great a few seconds later in that photo to the right. Also, I believe that magenta sheer blouse which I was wearing is the only pink item of clothing that I own! Bought it on new year’s eve for $20 on sale. It matched my lipstick, you see…

Here are some shots from a bit earlier on… when we looked fresher. The one on the left below is of Cara, Charlotte and Veronique, on my bed.

In the second photo down from this, we are doing tequila shots. I got told that my mum took this photo, but I’m not sure how true this is… I want my hair a bit longer!

The morning after and pancakes my sister made. Unfortunately, I turned it down for bacon and eggs that I whipped up instead.

Also, I’ve got a bunch of directions I’d like to head in, and things I’d like to accomplish this year, but I still think that new year’s resolutions are just not for me. I often read other people’s ones, and it just seems like such an overhead, umbrella sort of thing to do – not to mention the fact that I hate making goals. I know that goal-setting is a healthy thing to do, blah blah (enough teachers and parents have told me that), but I like things to be vague. In a way, because it feels like such a disappointment if I can’t meet them, but also as if I’m setting a limit as to what I’m going to do.

So, no new year’s resolutions for me, just badass, kickass time.

Oh, one last thing – I finally put up photos from the Viper Room last month. Click here and here!

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