Emotions, feelings…

Last ten days of 17

I can’t believe I’m almost turning 18! In barely ten days’ time I will legally be an adult, be able to buy alcohol, go to pubs, clubs, R18 movies, etc!

It’s a really exciting prospect, yet at the same time scares the crap out of me. Considering the amount of things that have changed since even my last blog post (staggeringly busy, no time to blog, gah!), it’s amazing to think back on the transitions and growths that I’ve experienced in the past 17 years… at the moment I just keep thinking “holy crap!”. My friends joke and say that I’ll “finally be the age that everyone things [I] am” – because I’ve been sneaking into (mostly mates’) gigs in town for years, and have been awaiting the day when I can actually flash my drivers license at the bouncer!

Today’s been the hardest day of my week – it started bright and early at a little past 6am, and saw me go from running warmup laps around the hockey turf which I didn’t actually feel warm after; to attending two classes; leaving school for “year 13s’ half day Wednesday”, only to return for a 3-hour-long seminar by an Australian speaker, Darren Pereira; then I had two hours’ of concert band practise – yet another 12 hour day doing school-related things! In addition to all the stress of my AS Music exam on Tuesday, and internal mock exams all this week and next week, I got informed today that next Friday, on the eve of my birthday party, not only will I have to set up art at school for the annual 1st XI Hockey fundraiser, but then I have to race over to another school, play jazz for a charity gig, and rush back home in time for my own birthday party. How sad is that?! I’m furious at the music teacher – he has asked the stage band/jazz combo whether or not we’d like to do the gig, and most people weren’t keen, especially since half of them were coming to my birthday; but this just makes my already tight schedule even worse.

The thought of my birthday/arty is the only thing that’s getting me through these couple of strenuous weeks – the highlight is, though, I get to countdown to my 18th birthday with all my friends and family :D.

Shiver, stop shivering

It’s turned awfully cold over the past couple of days, which is unfortunately a great reflection of the current mood of my life.

School is getting more demanding, as is music; the hockey season starts this week and our first game is tomorrow – and it’s not going to be easy. I don’t remember how I managed to wake up at 6am all season last year for training, and then for music practise, but it’s only the second week of term and it’s already difficult. On top of that, I’m currently dealing with a breakup, and it’s not been easy… at a mental war with myself over whether or not to go back and try it again; but as is obvious, I have little time, and everything is taking its toll on me.

In other matters, every year, I am reminded of what an issue having numerous, eclectic friends that have nothing to do with each other is. This is an especially prominent feature in the planning of my annual birthday parties – who to invite, and who to perhaps invite as a buddy so they don’t get bored. I’m friends with people from so many social groups – the bogans, the indie kids, school band geeks, the normal “mainstream” people, etc etc. What also doesn’t help is that I have a relatively small, cosy house, and being in New Zealand, the month of May is at the start of winter, which means it gets dark and cold at around 5 instead of 9-10pm. What a hassle. But it’s one that I will have to go through again this year, especially since it’s my 18th and all… it should be good.

The smell of comfort

I’ve been sick at home all week, only tallying up a day and a half at school. It’s barely the end of summer, not even autumn yet, and already I have this awful sinus infection that makes me nauseous, my head heavy and dizzy, and has given me the most disgusting gunk at the back of my nose and throat – I just want to spit it out, but oh it’s just there… I’ll spare the gory details.

So sitting around at home hasn’t been really productive. I’d tried to read my American history and economic tetbooks – the pages that my friends have tried to get me to catch up on, but to no avail. When I’m sick like this, nothing works. I couldn’t even handle skim-reading the newspaper – somehow I read the same line 5 times without it registering, and completely gave up. My sole comfort so far has been watching old episodes of ER and Sex and the City online; and today I vamped this place up with a new theme. The header features a photoshopped image of layers of photos from over the summer, it’s not very exciting, but I was just so sick of seeing the old theme. In addition to all this crap, I can’t seem to stop stirring up problems with the boy. I have a short temper, an inability to express how I feel other than the negative, and me being completely burnt out just does not help, especially when he goes to a different school and I’m always preoccupied. But oh, I don’t know, it’s all a mess in my head, I just want it all to be okay. He came around for a while earlier today. Then for about two minutes after dinner. And despite all the shit that I put the both of us through, when I hug him, the smell of him is like the smell of comfort to me. It’s nice. And in those moments I feel safe.

I hate farewells

I suck at saying goodbye. When I was younger and we would have family friends over, I would always be so depressed when they leave at the end of the evening. Or when I’m either sending a friend or family member off at the airport or am the one travelling away myself – either way, I don’t deal with goodbyes very well…

And so leaving V’s house tonight was awfully painful for me – knowing that tomorrow morning, she’ll be flying down to Palmerston North to do her vet degree for the next 5 years. Despite her coming back for Easter in April, then May for my 18th, it’s still not the same – she won’t just be a 10 minute drive down the road anymore…

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