The first real concept of “2010” was embedded in my head by a b-side song of the same name by the Mint Chicks on their limited edition white vinyl, which was complimentary with tickets to their farewell tour in 2007. Having just said that, I actually had to ask a friend to confirm which year it was because I simply cannot believe how fast time has flown. Then, I was 16, wishing to be 18, glamorously gig-hopping… and now I am theoretically where I had wanted to be.

I wish I could start this new chapter (and decade, as many like to speak of lately), with exciting, self-assured plans for the year to come, and effectively the future… but in all honesty, I just feel lost as hell. Why? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that in a negative, pessimistic kind of way – in fact I’m feeling very ambitious and hopeful for the future – but having just finished 7th form and effectively my last year of pretend-childhood, it seems that all of a sudden I ought to start taking myself and the things I do slightly more seriously. Currently, I am sitting on (almost literally… it’s in an envelope, in a folder under my seat) my acceptance letter the Jazz Performance major from university, and the attached form that I need to send back to formally accept my place; but I don’t know why I haven’t mailed it after an entire month of having received it. On one hand, sure, it was December, I had graduated only the day before the date on the letter; then it was work, Christmas chaos, followed by new years… and I could make excuses and say that I really hadn’t had the time, but really, I just hadn’t wanted to make it seem so realistic yet. Ultimately, when I sign, date, and mail the letter, it will have sealed my 5 years’ of deliberating my fate – I will be rejecting law school for jazz school. I’m excited and over the moon, yet shaking with fear over what that might entail. I’ve had so many lectures from people that “know better”, and I’d said to the last person (a family friend), “look, I’m sorry to be rude, but I haven’t made this decision overnight – I’ve thought and thought about it for five years, and I’ve heard what you’ve just said about a million times and I’ve taken it into consideration. More than taken it into consideration. Trust me. It’s Christmas, please leave it alone”… and needless to say the got the message; last I heard, he’d later said to my mother “well I can’t imagine she’d get as bored as she would in law school, I suppose”. Ha!

In irrelevant matters, I was going to make a post about a pair of $20 light denim shorts that I’d scored on Boxing Day; and ultimately chopped them up and diy’d some distress into it because I thought light denim just shouldn’t look primp and perfect… but I didn’t want to start off 2010 with some story about my afternoon with 2 knives and a piece of cardboard whilst on msn at the same time… so…

Beach tomorrow! It will be good. I will have photos. Aaaaand, watch this space, kids, I’m shooting Big Day Out!

A perfect circle

Tuesday 1st December, 2009: First day of the last month of my final year.

For months and months I’d been anticipating December 1st. No, for once it wasn’t for the birthday bash of my best mate, but rather, for my 7th form sign out day – my last day in uniform, ever – followed by Graduation Dinner. Not only did this signify the end of all college exams and last minute cramming for the year, but it also brought an end to five, often long and tedious years spent at Macleans College. Surprisingly, well, actually in all brutal honesty, I know myself better than this so it wasn’t really surprising to have found myself spending the day in numb frustration. I was sad to be leaving, but only because I’ve been so used to the comfort zone and safety bubbles that I’d built up around me at school: the daily routine of classes and socialising that I had become accustomed to and can execute in zombie mode all day, everyday, all year. But it’s for that same reason (and many, many more) that I have been more than ready for leave for over the past couple of years. I’ve been tired of the same surroundings, the same (many not-so-likeable) people, the uptight school rules, the chore of upholding my “prefect status” and trying to be some kind of role model to juniors who mostly don’t care. Speaking of surroundings though, I will admit that, whilst I often took the picturesque sea-view from school for granted at times, and often cursed it as the reason the billowing wind during winter was so brutally lethal, I don’t think I could have attended a school with a better setting. Most people don’t get to sit perched on a hill in the middle of a reserve, in one of the most expensive neighbourhoods everyday!

On that note, I think I’ll end my sentimental train of thoughts, I don’t think that I will fully deal with the change until it actually hits me once university starts next year. I have a lot of regrets… no wait, that’s probably not the best word, but in the sense that, people are right when they say things like “in ten years time it’s not the things you did that you will regret, but the things you didn’t do”, or something along the lines of… I can’t remember the exact, more eloquent phrasing! Anyway, there are definitely things that I wish that I’d done, or had done differently, but I guess that would ultimately have made me a completely different person, and I’m not too sure how well that would work out, haha.

Here are some photos from each setting on the big night:

Colin was generous enough to offer the services of his spare lounge for our pre-grad. Not surprisingly, everyone’s looking pretty glum. I think most people with either extremely hyper (definitely not us lot), or were feeling pretty out of it, tired, and generally just wanted to get through the evening unscathed by any huge pangs of “OMG SENTIMENT!”

This picture shows Sinead hijacking the background of me and Freddy… A bit of organisation later we were on the ferry into the city. It seemed the most social option, so we didn’t have to split into cars, beg parents for rides, etc, and at $4.40 it wasn’t so bad… until we got off the ferry and decided not to split a 10minute taxi fare, instead deciding to make the 4-block uphill trek on foot. Now usually I’m not one to complain about walking, but when the only black heels you own are about 4 inches high and also have a platform, my feet didn’t like me so much that day. Plus it was hot and humid, and showing up sweaty was really, really unattractive.

I must say, the good at Grad Dinner was a thouuuusand times better than that at the ball. And the dessert too, for that matter. I actually ate both slices of cheesecake! Though, as you can see here, I left my cardigan on for much of the evening. My Topshop dress is lovely, but I hadn’t really wanted to wear it to Grad since it’s very low cut at the back (as well as the front, for that matter, forcing me to break my arm-folding habit for the evening) and I didn’t really feel like it was that most appropriate.

And last, the true highlight of the evening = getting tipsy down at O’Hagan’s on the viaduct. Thankfully I have a lovely mother with a distrust of taxis, so offered to pick me up at any hour, drunk or sober. Me and three friends decided that mum’s transport offer was a huge ask already, and her having to wake up at 6.30am was just brutal, so we didn’t stay out too late and got home at 2am. Needless to say, I crashed without sparing a thought of taking a shower that night.

A boy in the bush is worth two in the hand, there’s more to life you know

It’s like nothing much has happened, but so much as. I can’t figure out why. I’m emotionally, intellectually, physically pulled in opposing directions.

These pics were snapped on my friend David’s macbook. Some are old, some were from yesterday. That thing is gorgeous. And his new iphone pet… if anyone commits a robbery at his house I’m sure it won’t be hard to find the culprit…

I bused into town to find David at the university and we hung out all day. I’ve been hiding in my room for the past two weeks since study leave started, and I no longer know what day it is, nor can I tell day apart from the night. Went to both of my exams this week on 2 hours of sleep – history went shockingly, I got really unlucky with the questions – but economics was better that I could’ve hoped for given how much i despise and regret taking it… as well as my lack of studying. Just going to brace myself and hope for the best, it’s too late now. Luckily I don’t need to sit any exams for university entrance; in fact I sometimes regret not having dropped out thus not having to fork out for exam costs. AS exams are $65 and A levels are $95 a pop! Not to mention NCEA was $75… it wasn’t pleasant. All the less so when my parents joked that I should’ve indeed dropped out and just gone on a nice long holiday. Yikes.

At the moment I just want the next three weeks to be over. Monday is my uni audition for jazz, then I have my remaining exams – after which I will definitely be living it up. A friend and I have decided we’re going to embark on a trip to Japan and Taiwan together. He’s studied Japanese for five years, and despite my mother, I still can’t speak it for yonks. We’re looking forward to the hilarity of when Japanese people start talking to me, but it’s the white boy that understands, translates, then replies! I’ve decided that will be one of the things I seek to achieve this summer: try and learn some Japanese. I know the reaaally bare-boned basics and I can guess every other word, but that’s about it.

Was talking about tides of people the other day. About how we always seem to have a ‘drought’, only to next be bombarded with too many options the next thing you know. So many people I know right now are "looking for someone", wanting to be in a relationship. I really don’t understand that. Why do 18-20 year olds want to be ‘on the prowl’? It’s not like we’re approaching our later 20s, approaching 30s that life cycles and society tells us we "need someone". I understand loneliness, and trust me I hate it too, but the entire "relationship" thing sends me running. It’s so hard… how do you strike a balance with having fun, but not getting too carried away? Some chemistry and connections you just cannot deny – but so what?

What am I entitled to?

I’m a ridiculously multi-faceted person, and my personality is split in so many ways I often get asked "where did [the other] Amanda go?" I’m young and I’m allowed to get out and be who I want, do what I like, but I don’t want to be a heartbreaker. Metronomy’s "Heartbreaker" and "A Thing For You" remind me of things that go flying around me often. A juxtaposing state but it somehow works. There always seems to be some kind of drama. Something stirring. I seem unable to remain still, leave the waters alone. It’s as if I’d be bored or boring without it. It’s ironic, the people I’m most interested in are the ones who hold no interest for me. This is, on all levels. Not just in a romanticised point of view, but even just as people. I feel like I want to befriend the people who seem to have only some thin common thread with me – nothing at all in my comfort zone… but it keeps them interesting?

I want to extend my horizons, I will not be stuck here forever.

you’re chaotic,
his bassic distraction all night.
What are you?
The intimate
ambiguous delight.

your melodic
words are attractive(a trap to)
his soul(sole)
Emotion; make me the blame.

I am trying to be heroic in an age of modernity

Somewhere amidst my current state of hayfeverish nose-blowing and nose-bleeding, I’ve been having a pretty reckless week. Kicking off Monday morning with Stage Band practise instead of hockey training for a change, we were hyped to attend the KBB Music Festival in town this week – it’s my 5th, and last.

All term I’ve been resentful towards school and agreeing with fellow cynical 7th formers who say that they “won’t be missing” college – and to a large extent, I now realise that I haven’t been completely lying. Maybe it’s because it’s midnight and I tend to get quite wordy and analytical at this time of day (or night, should I say… but it’s day to me, but more on that later), but I suddenly realise that the only place I will truly miss is probably the music department at school. As much grief, frustration and angry tears it has brought me in the past half a decade (good god, did I just say half a decade?!), it’s the one place outside my bedroom that I have spent the most collective time at. Trust me, I wish I was exaggerating when I say that, this Monday alone, I spent 6 hours at music at school: that’s two hours more than I had slept the night before.

For the first time in 4 years I changed my stage band attire – our uniform is basically black, black, and more black, with a gold and maroon waistcoat, but for once I didn’t wear jeans and wore a skirt instead. Mr. Bolley asked where my blazer was from because he thought it was part of some uniform, but I had just decided to wear it instead of the hoodies that everyone else had worn into town for KBB since it suited better (below, right… it looks quite posey, but truth be told I wasn’t looking at the camera because I’d just woken up from the long car ride home). The other picture is of an outfit I put together at the last minute a couple of weeks ago for a gig I photographed. It’s not a very “outfit picture” though, and I don’t even have my long socks and boots on, but I thought I’d just mention that the shirt I’m wearing is actually a dress! Although ironically, I’ve ever worn it out as a dress yet, but I think it looks better like this. You can’t see it in the picture, but I had to tie a black ribbon making the straps meet in the middle, since it was a low back, and very loose, low cut dress.

I’m still quite sketchy on their decision to relocate the festival at the Aotea Centre instead of at the Auckland Town Hall this year; in fact I have yet to find out as to why they did that at all, but the acoustics in the Aotea Centre simply pales in comparison to the Town Hall. The only upside I can think of, is that all the schools have much more storage space for instruments, cases and other gear – but for two days in a row now we’ve been assigned to level 5, which is a bitch of a tramp up the stairs with a bass case/amplifier! We were sneaky for Concert Band today and managed to dodge the event co-ordinators and snag rides upstairs in the lift, yay!

So I mentioned before that I get quite wordy during the late hours, on Sunday night (the reason I slept so little), I used my inspiration to churn out lyrical words as a means of procrastinating from finishing an English assignment. I wrote quite a fair bit, but here are just some snippets; none of them are titled (yet), and I find that phrasing/emjambment/punctuation seems to be a big aspect of things I write. If I ever put music to them, though, there are some lines/words that I will definitely change and rephrase:

The last thing I wrote that night, my personal highlight:
The navy curtains disguise the time of day
Or night, we are uncertain,
It’s been so long since we left.
A room once so small and empty
The hollowness of a house, not home,
How did things change the tone?
Candles won’t bring us romance,
But the closed white door a privacy
And in here, a silent intimacy.

This is only the second half, I’ve omitted the first part because in hindsight, it really sucks:
I will leave because you say
so, I will leave
Not of my own accord.
I will leave because you say,
So I will leave.

I’m not too sure where this came from, it was mostly spurned from the first couple of lines:Whatever happened to indifference?
Your sun-stained chest

Makes me cringe that you

Want her berry-kissed lips on you.

Since when could I not keep

A small cup of coffee steady

It would be easier than easy
To shed this on her lap.

What happened to “go with the flow”?
Now I’m looking up maps for directions
It’d be easier if I knew where we were heading
But what a bore that’d be.
And if my only desire is to

Fulfill your desire too
How my paltry needs
Will kill the “me and you”.

Treat me like your mother

(This didn’t post yesterday, not sure why)
I don’t know how to let you go… Or even if I should keep you.

Driving home in the dark at 6am this morning felt bizarre. The streets were mostly empty, with the odd couple in their fluro-reflective clothing going out for an early morning stroll and a few cyclists getting in my way. I love the night. It feels so liberating, like I could do anything I wanted – and often I do. With !!! and then The Kills blasting through my factory speakers in my car, the few kilometres home felt much, much further. If only my hobbies weren’t so expensive, I’d invest in better car speakers – you know, so the bass doesn’t distort? That kills me; being a bass player and all, I can’t even turn it up loud in my car. It was so easy to double the speed limit, especially on the downhill slide home. Luckily it was a Wednesday morning? Though these days the last thing I need is another speeding ticket.

I’m super annoyed that my laptop/usb ports are messed up. Not only do I have to resort to using mum’s computer at the moment, but I also can’t sync my ipod. Which is such a pain because I finally got Horehoud by The Dead Weather. And it’s HOT. Signature Jack White guitar sound, with Alison Mosshart’s snappy attitude in her voice and words… QOTSA’s guitarist pretty much takes a backstage, but his riffy-style does shine through at times. I can’t stop listening to it.

Play dumb, play dead play straight! Time to manipulate.