This one goes on to you, All the reasons I know. This one goes on to you, I never had a clue.

Meet Kevin Bacon – he’s the award that the player of the day in my hockey team gets to take home for a week. Said player is then also entrusted with the duty of bringing a box of half-time oranges to the next game. So that was me, last week. Although I finally got a goal on Saturday, I’m kinda bummed it wasn’t the cleanest of goals… but I’ll live. I was all too happy to pass Kevin Bacon onto a teammate for her tough efforts in defense this week though. We only drew 1-all, but hopefully it will do the trick we want it to do on the points table.

Isn’t Kevin Bacon cute?

I’ve actually just gotten back from the boy’s house where I was helping him out with his honours presentation that he has to give tomorrow. At first I felt a little picky, pointing out “things to improve” and getting him to re-order and re-structure some things but I’m glad he actually found me helpful rather than annoying. And I feel like I gave him some good points that’s helped to set off some major improvements which can’t hurt. I’ve got so much work I still need to do for my transcription due on Wednesday, which is going to be tough, but in the meantime, I certainly don’t envy being the boy. Which is worse? A 50minute presentation on a hard topic for which ten thousand words is due in a couple of weeks’ time, OR a 64-bar transcription, bebop composition assignment complete with a shout chorus, improvisation playing test, and a jazz combo recital? All of which is really… daunting. Anyway, pointless non-comparisons aside, what’s getting us through these grueling two weeks until our two week mid-semester break is a 3-day trip that I’ve planned for us to take on the 28th-30th August. To be more precise, “I’ve planned” it in the sense that the boy has no idea where we are going, except for the few hints I’ve given him. Two nights away at some mystery spot somewhere south of Auckland, within 5 hours’ drive away. I’ve also told him that we’re staying at two contrasting places for each night, that are only (according to Google Maps) within 6 minutes of driving time from one another. And that we need to bring bedding for the first night. It’s going to be amazing. I’m so crap at keeping secrets and surprises to myself that this is really proving to be quite the challenge, but I’m sure the look on his face will pay off. I think I’m going to end up asking him to drive so that I can take photos along the way. So it will go something like “keep driving, turn here, hold on, are we going the right way? I hope so, because you don’t know where we’re meant to be going”, haha.

Playlist of the evening:

1. Dawn – Kordan
I stumbled upon this band and fell for them only a month ago. I remember so clearly when I found them, because I was just about to go over to the boy’s house, but a link had brought me to their band’s website and the video for “Closer” (the song below) was on autoplay and made me sit down and really listen to them. I wish this song was longer. There’s a weird, almost dissatisfying feeling about this song, because I feel like “something” ought to happen in it, but does not. Anyway, I think this is a great album opener, thus a great playlist opener.

2. Closer – Kordan
Probably my favourite song by this band. It’s right up my alley with its dreamy, shoe-gazey sound that is coupled with sweetly endearing lyrics. It’s the sort of music I like to listen to at night either alone or tucked up with the other half.

3. Boxcar – The Embassy
The boy acquainted me with this artist, and I was saying to him the other day how undated and “relevant” this album still sounds, even though it was released almost a decade ago. I can’t think of anything else in particular from 2002 that I would label as having a “fresh” feel even today. It’s a deceptively cheerful-sounding song that actually has rather sad undertones in the lyrics, and is also where this post’s title comes from.

4. All We Ask – Grizzly Bear
I’ve had this album sit on my computer for two years now, and never really gave it a chance until a couple of nights ago. For some reason this song almost sounds-waltzy to me, and it’s really just so soft, soft, lovely. I’m such a sucker for romance.

5. Say Something Say Anything – Blood Red Shoes
I might have even put this song in a much older playlist but I don’t remember. I just have a faint recollection of having blogged about this song at some point, I’m pretty sure. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn’t say this song is musically amazing or anything, but once again it falls under “songs/bands I love for un-obvious reasons”. One might hazard a guess that I like this band because it’s a male/female duo (as I mentioned a couple of playlists ago of my affinity for them), but that’s never a good reason to like a band. They just have songs that snap at me and makes me want to listen and keep listening. They do their style so well, I don’t even care about listening to “similar artists”. To be honest – and anyone who’s been in my company whilst I’ve screamed along to this song in my car will have been told this many times – I really only listen to this song for the line that kicks in about three quarters of the way in, during the bridge, repeated all the way to the end: so tell me, how long, how long, how long can you miss someone?

6. Neat Little Rows – Elbow
Apparently this band is amazing. So I gave them a listen. And they’re not bad. I haven’t quite fallen for them yet though, but they are pretty good. Although, when I went on Youtube to acquire the link for this playlist, I couldn’t sit through the video since… well I am not a fan of seeing fat men sing passionately in a set-up situation, and would rather let the sonic merits of his voice (and the band) shine through, unaffected. That sounds bitchy though. But I always think that if you are going to spend that much money making a video… Regardless, I like their new album, Build A Rocket Boys!

7. Lovely Allen – Holy Fuck
Holy Fuck is definitely one of those bands that I started liking twice as much (if not more) after seeing them live. I especially like bands that can pull off instrumentals, and they definitely do. I have no idea if this song has or not, but I always feel as if it must have been used in a movie or something. It starts and ends so beautifully, too – a well rounded, happy-ending kind of song, thus, bringing this playlist to a close.

And oh yeah, in a spout of madness on Friday, I bought these shoes from Topshop. I had been waiting for them to come out online for soooo long and had checked daily for months – but then they happened to be released on the two days that I didn’t turn my computer on at all and were sold out immediately. They’re now being scalped off ebay and the like for around twice the price. Yikes. So maybe there is an upside to The Department Store now having Topshop after all. I know, I know, they’re incredibly sparkly and to be perfectly honest, little over a year ago I would never go near them, but I think my shoe-thing all began with infamous patent aqua Dr. Martens. I was tossing up between the black glitter and these silver ones, but then thought, oh heck, if I’m going to do glitter I may as well really sparkle. Plus I have black boots anyway.

So hold me, you know this wasn’t planned. Hold me close, you’ll hold

Class today was a bit of a joke. I had a clash so got moved into a different combo, which meant that I now only have 1.5hrs of class on Tuesdays. On all the students’ timetables online, it said that our Composition & Arranging class was at 1pm-2.30pm, but according to the teachers’ version of the timetables, class is set for 12pm-1.30pm. I only found out by accident yesterday, whilst trying to sort out the clash with the HOD and the teacher in charge of combo placements; so I ended up txting Oli, the teacher for this paper, to confirm that it was indeed at noon. In the end, only five people (myself included) showed up for class on time, so Oli decided to call it lunch time and to start class at 1pm when everyone else showed up.

Turns out, Student Services Online and the music school admin is more useless than we thought, and they had mucked up the times of the class before and after ours as well! And this is for classes of 3rd years, 2nd years and honours students, all for just one room! Ridiculous.

I ended up going over to Albert Park on the other side of campus to have lunch with the boy since the weather was so lovely outside. Lovely, but freezing. I happened to have everything the boy wanted for lunch so I shared and took a couple of quick snaps before anyone spotted me being touristy. Basically, going anywhere else on/near campus is a novelty for me, since I virtually never venture out of the KMC.

Seeing this fountain today made me think of The Fountainhead. My sister is a fair way through it now, and I read her a chapter earlier tonight as she curled up in bed.

My box of fuit and salami & cheese sandwiches. I bought that Marcs skirt along with the cardigan I was on about yesterday. It’s nice to own and wear a bit of c0lour… I constantly look fit for a funeral, otherwise.

 I was going to post a couple of nice songs but decided against it… I think I’ll post a full playlist along with youtube links later in the week instead. For now, a poem:

“HOme”

O I have allowed too many
visitors
Not guests
into this house that
was not
my            Home

until You
entered and affixed
a light
a heat
into the deep bellies
O’ the ceiling.

i have sat and laid
and chat
with mortal,
ordinary ones.
more than once.
special, they ought
think not,
for what is a host
without a cause?

for empty nights i stared
            at walls
            at all
            at.
i can’t alter the backlog.

you wonder of the
dozen more hands that touched
the door and
wiped the floor
filthy tracks
like thoroughfare
i conduct memories as an
   archival library –
irrelevant, useless, left to dust and rot but
libraries must be kept in order. In check,
in line,
with time.

            You daren’t
            Enquire.
for this HOme was an old house,
      a trodden, (mis)used refused
      house with mislaid boards and
      traps, set just-so;
But this HOme is now
transformed
morphed
crystallised
into well-polished
sparkling form today.

and my Home is no longer open,
            not for sale
            to the highest bidder,
any bidder,
even more handsome than thee–
this once Open HOme is
            Sold
to its old-Owner
whose key to the door
and cellar
Is the Only
One
that Fits,
O.

Something like a phenomena, baby, You’re something like a phenomena

It’s about to be my 20th birthday. I have mixed feelings about not being a teenager anymore, and it’s scary considering I was still 19 when I went to the supermarket this afternoon and once again didn’t get ID’d for buying alcohol! Earlier this evening, I went over to the boy’s house “for dinner”, thinking it was just going to be another fun but casual dinner. Turns out, they had cooked me a feast of lamb shanks (done superbly with probably the same recipe as mum, score!) and fresh brownies out of the oven with fancy ice cream on the side for dessert. It was such a sweet, sweet surprise, if I wasn’t so takenaback I probably would have jumped and given Donna a hug! I probably should have. Ahhhh. Anyway, I’m still in awe of how nice it was, to whip me up a hearty family meal to celebrate my birthday for me, when my family are away – I will never forget it. What a nice way to round of my teenage years.

Sooo… I decided to spend an afternoon (which turned into evening, which turned into all night) digging out old photos from my years of being a teenager. This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever done because – in case you hadn’t noticed – I rarely post photos of myself. And when I do, it’s usually ones I’ve taken, or got other people to take under my strict strict instructions. So what is beyond that “Continue Reading” link is actually hundreds of photos (mostly of me) showing my transformation during the ages 14-19. There are gazillions more photos somewhere, but I don’t have access to mum’s stash of photos at the moment, so I also don’t have any one hand from when I was 13. Regardless, even if no one is that interested in what little-Amanda looked like, I had a LOT of fun doing this, recalling so many events and memories that I had long forgotten about. I’ve posted things in order of age, and almost in perfect chronological order, so be impressed. It’s a little funny turning 20, because in New Zealand it’s not a big deal like 18 or 21 is, but in Taiwan, 20 is a big deal. It’s like NZ’s 18th and 21st birthdays mashed together, sort of. To put it in perspective, I can’t renew my Taiwanese passport on my own without a parent’s signature until I turn 20 tomorrow. Which reminds me I really need to get onto it.

Looking back, I’ve obviously grown up a lot throughout my teenage years, but I’ve also stayed the same in more ways than I had expected. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m proud of, but also a lot of things that I’m not. But I’m pretty happy where I am right now, and I’m just trying to look towards the future optimistically. And if you know me at all, you’d know that I’m not generally an optimistic person. Like… how I have to spend 13 hour at uni tomorrow on my birthday… I’m sure it will turn out fine though. Also, the exhibition opened yesterday, and I’ll probably post the official photos in the next entry, but there are photos of the gallery at the bottom of this post!

Oh, and you may be surprised to find that I hardly look different at all.

Age 14:

Taken at the house I “grew up in”. I wish my hair was that long again.

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Call your office on the phone, You can say you won’t be coming home – You’re dancing vacations on

I know that lots of people who know me IRL read/browse through my blog, but I obviously don’t care who reads this. Yes, I’m airing dirty laundry online, but at least my clothes are all intact. I’m not going to become one of those facade-bloggers that only blog about the bright and cheery stuff in my life as if I’m living in utopia even though in reality, everything is hectic, fucked up, stressful, and makes no logical sense. I think… really, this blog post is about how apparently I have to constantly lose things that are important to me(?!!) In order to truly appreciate what I still retain, things and people that tend to slip under the radar but whom I wouldn’t be the same without.

In my last post I had said that something wasn’t right and was hoping that it would work out. Well it didn’t. Long story short, my “best friend” came over to my house and broke up with me as a friend. Complete with a bag full of my stuff. As if she were breaking up with some guy. Who the hell does that?! This is someone who I had held in tremendous regard, who was my closest confidant for the past year or two, and we did and shared everything with one another. I guess not anymore.

I thought it was a given that when people cease being friends that they either have some kind of huge falling out, or they end up drifting apart. No one I know of has ever heard of someone ending a friendship like how you would break up with a lover.

I guess I was wrong, and once again placed trust and faith in people who ultimately let me down. Before anyone even tries to say “maybe she’ll come around” – no, she won’t. She’s too proud and stubborn for that shit, and I’m too dead-set on my own life now to waste precious time and energy hoping. Come on – who gets over a friend just like that?! And what’s wrong with becoming more casual friends that occasionally hang out and usually don’t speak at all? Rather than completely annihilating the whole friendship as if it was a complete dream based on bullshit. It’s not the fact that it’s happened that bugged me most, its the way it happened, and the stupid series of events that led up to it. And yes, it’s a long story, but I’m not leaving anything important out – there was no great life-changing catalyst that caused this. None that warrants this emotionally-immature of a response anyway. The motto I tend to live by is that if something’s wrong, you try and fix it. And if you can’t fix it, then you live with it, hopefully in lesser doses. I’d always been envious of the way how she’s been so (relatively) sheltered both physically and emotionally, and she’s even said in the past how she can’t imagine having gone through and having to deal with half the things I have, and I’m not even 20 yet. I was envious because sometimes I would think, wouldn’t it be so great if I were a little more ignorant, suffered less pain, and a whole lot more innocent because of it? People have said that all those things have made me who I am today, and I wouldn’t change the things I’ve learnt, but now I’m not envious of being sheltered anymore. I’ve been through worse fights, yell-fests, public shaming and humiliations due to arguments/conflict/friction with friends before… but the most important people that I’m closest to have stuck by me through thick and thin regardless of the wrongs we had done, and the things we said in voices too loud, out of spite or the spur of the angry moment. I just kind of feel sorry for both of us now – her for being cruel and cold and her inability to care; and me for caring, wondering who will have to throw her “surprise 21st birthday party” in six months’ time, for giving a shit, and all the hurt and pain that comes with it…

All of the frustration, hurt and anger aside though, it’s just a pity really – all the things we have in common and both enjoy are still there. The things we agree and disagree on are just the same. I don’t know why it had to be so melodramatic. It feels like, “boo hoo Amanda, tough shit that you care and I don’t give two shits”. She said she knows it’s cruel, but my response to that was “don’t you dare try to pretend that you know how inhumane this is”. Don’t get me wrong, she was an amazing friend while it lasted. But honestly, how do you purge yourself of a former best friend? Am I supposed to rip a few things off my wall now, because they were from or relating to her? I mean, WHAT THE FUCK.

Irrelevantly, I’m suddenly really glad (don’t take this the wrong way) that I’m completely heterosexual, with no chance of ever striking up a same-sex relationship. I can’t imagine how badly female lovers would treat each other! As I was saying to the boy earlier tonight, the dumb questions that females ask because they need reassurance, urgh. Anyway, I’ve fucking had it with losing best friends. Up until this broke the record, what with being 2011, I’ve lost one every other year of my life since 2002 (04, 06, 08, ’10). Just as I was getting my hopes up that for once that someone who hates so much the “atrocious things girls do to each other”, wouldn’t be the same – well apparently she is capable of the exact same, if not worse crime.

On a compleeetely different note, aren’t these the cutest things to receive for Easter? “Charlie the Easter Chick” was from the boy, and the delightfully cute mini eggs are from his mum. I’m pleasantly surprised and proud of myself for having managed to savour them over a week, rather than devouring them all in one sitting.

Last night the boy and I went to his friend’s house for a bit of a gathering as three of his friends had returned from studying out of town and abroad. Whilst most of us were having fun chucking down junk food and beers with the (unneeded) aid of drinking games, two of them decided to be a bit on the anti-social side, and watched the royal wedding instead. A bit surprising, really. I don’t hold much interest otherwise, but I’m glad that Middleton’s dress was by McQueen. It was executed magnificently.

As a side note, it was interesting to see how people responded to the “quote” at the end of my last blog post. Interesting, because just as I had predicted, people took what it was saying far more seriously and thought about it a bit more, because I had quoted it rather than just put it as a paragraph in my post. Basically, I quoted myself. I know the first line sounds a bit “off”, but it’s all a bit out of context and things relating to it were taken out, so that’s why.

“Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being.” – Daisaku Ikeda

I need a quick decision and a cheap reward

As some people may have gathered from my OCD post, I’m a creature of very particular and peculiar habit. Ever since 2007, I’ve been writing my pseudo diary/lyrics/poetry/angsty rants/declaration of love and loss in Spirax notebooks. From ages 16-17 I used a hardcover black one, then from ages 18-19 I’ve been using a hardcover red one. There’s nothing to not love about these notebooks: the hardcover meant that I never needed anything to lean on, and thus it served its purpose perfectly, as I did most of my writing in bed; the spiral binding was perfect for clipping my favourite pens to; and the plain design meant that it didn’t draw any attention to itself as a notebook worthy of trying to read behind my back. Everything so far was the perfect tradition for me to continue in my bloody specific ways, but one day a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I should head down to Paper Plus to replace my notebook, as there were hardly any pages left, and the 2-year bracket was about to close. The problem was – they didn’t stock them anymore! I had tried the two chain stores within reasonable distance, and almost wanted to cry. A bit melodramatic, I know.

After a bit of further scouting around, and some comforting (but unfortunately not really helpful because discontinuing those notebooks felt as bad as when one of my OCD countings are interrupted, or “rules to adhered to” not followed) words from the boy, I decided that I was going to go home and purchase a Moleskine Large Ruled Notebook in Red off the internet. Once again, onto the BookDepository website I went and as of yesterday, I’ve become rather well-acquainted with my new notebook, and even personalised it with my wax seal in the corner (as pictured below). The only oh bugger moment was when I did a quick google search and discovered that the Warehouse Stationery stocks Spirax… I almost had a relapse but juuuust managed to resist buying another Spirax before my Moleskine arrived. So I guess now I’m going to be collecting Moleskines instead of Spirax notebooks on my shelf…

Left: My new Moleskine with my wax seal in the corner. On top of it is my favourite pen to use – I own a bunch of these Uni Pin fine line pens, ranging from 0.1-0.8, but I most commonly use the 0.5s. I pretty much write in all my notebooks with these pens (in black) exclusively, they just feel and look so darn good. The jet blackness and stroke of ink is perfect for the very particular person that I am, and can’t help being.
Right: My bedside table that I reclaimed from my mum last Friday night. I was using the camera storage box as a bedside table previously, and it just wasn’t working out – but the bedside table has been the perfect solution for all my uni folders and books.

Shadowy business.

Some Funktional goodness from Shopbop.com. Yay for free shipping and convertible dress/skirt design!

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