satisfy myself, avoid beginners, who long to shut my mouth

I’m really not into setting goals. Especially those with a clear, definite end-point and calculable intended-outcomes. But this year I set myself an overlapping handful of them and guess what? I somehow managed to only fail at one, or possibly one and a half — although I technically made it anyway, because what I “failed” at, was really just a less pretty means to the same overarching end.

It’s been a really, really hard year.* I honestly don’t know how I made it, except that I’ve really enjoyed doing next to nothing for the past six and a half weeks since uni finished for the year. I don’t know how I’m going to plough through another two years, but at least it will eventually read BMus/LLB(Hons) next to my name. This combination isn’t even offered as a conjoint degree, so I have to do everything the long way (aka two full degrees — read: BMus 360 points + LLB(Hons) 540 points). But hey, hey, in the words of Robert Frost, taking the road less traveled has made all the difference, and although I often feel trapped by uni, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Mentally, the toughest thing this year besides my self-doubt, was the doubt of other people around me. My friends from either faculty would be stressing out about rehearsals and charts to write and deadlines — blah! — or law opinions and studying for tests and so on… and then often they’d freeze mid-sentence and be all “oh my god, I’m freaking out over this, I don’t know how you’re doing all that!” and it would really get to me. I know they didn’t mean anything by it, if anything, they were being sympathetic, but the overwhelming sense of pity sucked. I’d feel like, shit, this is really hard, even on a lesser workload — I am crazy I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this! Needless to say, it really gnawed on my self confidence and assertion that I wanted to, I chose to, I must and therefore I will — do ALL OF THIS.

It was even worse when people in positions of somewhat-authority flat out told me — “I’m not sure you can pulls this off”, or worse, “you’re not hoping to get into honours, are you?! You’ve really set yourself up to fail.” And whilst I’m glad that they were wrong, this isn’t about “proving” anything to anyone, and I’m mostly just awash with relief. I’m particularly grateful towards a handful of closest and dearest that believed in me more than I believed in myself — or were at least very good at pretending so, until some faux machismo rubbed off on me. On a similar wavelength, I saw this Ted talk too late into the year, but it was a good (if placebo) effect for a short while.

One big thing about “Amanda’s Struggles of 2013? I’m going to try and take forward, is the need to remember that I wanted all this. At the start of the year, I told close people around me that, when the going gets tough and I start complaining, being shitty and lazy, they should remind me: “you want this”. I think that’s been the most important, underlying drive that’s gotten me through the year, and it’s pretty accurate that, “if it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.” I think we often forget why we are putting ourselves through unpleasant experiences, and forgetting why or what it was that we wanted to get from it. So by having others remind me that I’m doing all these shitty things because there was an outcome I want to reach, it made the blood, sweat and tears seem a bit less pointless, when I remembered the bigger picture.

I insist on not getting lost in the rat race, not forgetting why I subject myself to such constant strain and stress, and not doing anything for reasons any less than those of my own. No, I’m not sure if I want to be a lawyer, and no, I cannot stand it when people ask, “oh, so you wanna be a music lawyer?” — at this point in time, I just really like the education and whatever may or may not come with it. In the meantime, I’m going to keep scribbling stuff like this at 4am:

live together, move apart
the sequence of things
we’re supposed to do, tied to
this checklist people mistake as youth
dive in, heads spinning
confusing thoughts and screams
how to swim, how to float
I’m lofty but I’m starting to choke

and tell me, tell me, tell me
you told me
tell me, tell me, tell me
you told me
that now is not the right time
oh tell me, sell me, tell me
you told me
tell me, tell me, tell me
you’ll hold me
but now is not the right time

put things off for another year
we’ll get around to it, maybe
if not, we’ll have more savings
though aren’t you tired, always, not lately?
slaves to our characters on paper
your haircut cost two hours’ pay
it’s worth the comments that you’ll save
but we can all grow if we leave today

and tell me, tell me, tell me
you told me
tell me, sell me, tell me
you told me
that now is not the right time
(etc.)
now is not the time
there is never a time

*I knew that I had taken on a LOT this year, but I only realised whilst trying to work out my timetable for 2014, that I’d actually done 160 points this year — and they weren’t neat papers either — four of them were year-long law papers and two were jazz papers that used to be worth 50 (2x 15 and 2x 10), but got restructured down to 30 points without the workload being altered much. To put it in context, students are recommended to take 120 to a maximum of 135 points, especially for law. Basically, I’m really fucking exhausted, but at the same time I kind of feel like I’ve super lazy on and off all year, but either way I’d just like to crawl into a glass igloo and never reappear from hibernation.

if this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today? blue to gray, grow up and blow away

Labour Weekend is supposed to be a weekend spent relaxing outdoors in the sun — especially since the weather has been amazing all weekend. Or at least studying for my law exams. But nope, I’ve done neither. Instead, I’ve been mucking around and practising for my recital, and then more mucking around.

I’m really freaking out but that’s boring to talk about. So, serious stuff aside, what the hell do I wear to my own recital?! I know that sounds like a really shallow and superficial “dilemma” to have, but it’s not as straightforward as it sounds, when you’re a bass player. Plus, no one wants to hear about how I am wanting to kill myself for having picked a(n awesome) tune which has three different time signatures (3, 4 and 7).

I can’t even look to the other girls at jazz school to see what to wear because they’re all either singers or pianists, so the level of movement that I require is completely different to theirs. Bass-playing is pretty physically engaging and stage lights elevate sweating to a whole new level. I have a really nice silk blouse that I would love to wear, but the long-sleeves mean that it’s absolutely out of the question. I also don’t have any pants that aren’t jeans or sportswear, so that’s also ruled out.

What about footwear?! My patent black leather shoes now have gaping holes at the front so that each shoe has its own “mouth”. And the last thing I want to feel besides nerves and sweaty palms would be pain in my feet, so definitely no heels. Plus I’m not a singer and it’s jazz school, not the classical department, so heels aren’t unspokenly-mandatory.

This sounds silly but I went as far as to put on the outfit I thought would be most comfortable and appropriate, only to discover that anything and everything feels uncomfortable when practising with the knowledge that your recital is less than 48 hours away. I’m getting all picky and indecisive about this because I really don’t like the idea of wearing something that doesn’t feel “me” — especially when I’ve gone out on a bit of a limb with some of my tune choices and arrangements. Everything is all quite Amanda-ish and with music it’s all about how you feel and interact in the moment, so how I feel in my damn clothes are important!

Urgh, break time is over. I’ve got to go finish these charts so they will be hot off the press for rehearsal tomorrow morning.

P.S. Metric announced a show for Auckland in December. I wished it was a few days later so that my sister could go with me. I don’t know anyone else that really likes them and at $60 a pop, it’s not the sort of thing you can ask someone to “just come along”. The boyfriend swore he’d never heard them and asked how I could “love them so much” if I hadn’t listened to them in years. I pointed out that he had heard them (although, yes, hearing is different from listening) but always asked me to skip the tracks when they came on in my driving playlist, soooo yeahhh. I was thinking today that besides Emily Haines’ voice and the occasional line of lyrics I wished I’d written, I can’t actually explain why I like Metric. I think they just hold a high sentimental value for me. If they’d toured here in 2007 I would probably be happy to throw down even more hard-earned cash for their show.

but you ain’t going nowhere, why you procrastinate girl

Taken at MoMA, New York City.

This is it — there are 12 days before my recital and 19 days before my first law exam. And then, perhaps by November 13th I will be able to con myself into relaxing and not constantly refreshing the “exam results” page.

I’ve been quite sick this week (had a fever on Monday night which carried into Tuesday) and I’m going to attempt my first full-day at uni tomorrow, but it will be Friday already. Words can’t even begin to describe how stressed out I am. I know I signed up for this workload so I’ve got to see it through, but my god — how did I ever think my mind and body are supposed to come of this intact?! I’m 99.999% sure that what I’m doing is unprecedented as I’m taking the maximum law workload along with probably the most important paper in my entire jazz degree (since it includes my recital).

Anyway, to brighten my hopes a little, here is a list of things that I look forward to doing in the fortnight right after it’s all over. In no particular order:

  1. Reading. I can’t wait to read. And read. And read. Recreationally. Without guilt as to what else Ishould be reading instead (i.e. law cases and textbooks). I will read in bed, on couches, in the sun, in the breeze, outside, inside, all night long until dawn — I will read!
  2. Play hockey. I’ve been skipping summer hockey games because I need to attend other people’s recitals, or be studying or practising. I can’t wait to show up to a summer hockey game not exhausted from my long day, and get to stay late after the game drinking beers with my team. I’ll probably throw in “go to the gym” and general “exercise” here too. They don’t really warrant new points.
  3. Writing. I have so many ideas that right now merely exist in some abbreviated, bullet-pointed form all over the place — in my phone, notebook, scattered on post-it notes, etc. I can already feel that I will be turning night and day around like I do every summer — reading and writing until dawn, then collapsing when the birds start chirping. It’s going to be amazing.
  4. Drinking beer. That’s right, drinking beer gets its own bullet point here. I fucking love beer and I can’t wait to grab a box of cold beer and be popping them open in the sun, at barbecues, whilst cooking dinner. My god… nothing beats the feeling of a cold, cold beer on a hot spring/summer’s day. I’ll be scouring for sales of all the yummy, hopsy beers, mmm.
  5. Beach. I don’t really care what kind of day at the beach it is at the moment, I just want to go to the beach. Be it to read a book, write some stuff, walk around, eat an ice block, drink a beer, read some more, tan, tan, tan, maybe even swim if it’s warm enough…
  6. Spend all day with my cat. Self-explanatory.
  7. Go to the art gallery again.
  8. Take a shitton of photos. I need to get my camera fixed ASAP.
  9. Remember that I love playing music and keep doing it. It’s not actually as much of a chore as I keep telling myself it feels like.
  10. Listen to music all day and all night long.
  11. Hang out with my friends and catch up with people.
  12. This doesn’t fit within the “fortnight” criteria but oh my god I cannot wait until my sister is home in December. It will have been over a year since I last saw her by then.
  13. Do other, spontaneous, miscellaneous, unexpected, stupid stuff. (Like suddenly leave without notice, maybe?)

all your words are so magnetic, generational pathetic. and I will do it on my own again, and I will say what I will

There are those rare, rare moments that make me perk up and feel thoroughly, substancelessly euphoric. Moments where I feel the most clear-headed, yet hazy at the same time.

Clear-headed because for a few short minutes or partial-hours, it feels so obvious — what else could be the point to everything? And hazy as the scarce appearance of pure happiness couldn’t feel more inebriating. I expected a good show, but I didn’t expect this.

I’m a sucker for atmospheric music with honest lyrics, and Beach Fossils nailed it on the head. Dustin Payseur’s banter carried well throughout their set, being the type of frontman that never said too much or too little. Having experienced too many awkward singers that carried jokes into the land of cringe, I was pleasantly surprised to be chuckling along to his assertions that they were [ridiculous fake band name] and that “Beach Fossils are next”. And whether or not the stories are true, there were touches of surprising intimacy when he explained what the songs were about, even introducing one as “this song sucks”. Other band members chimed in with suggestions such as “everyone should crowd surf at the same time” and they engaged in faux-fights, trying to push each other off the stage whilst playing.

Dustin hopped off the stage in what my drunken friend mistook as a crowd-surf-attempt during “Clash the Truth” and they ended up on a pile on the ground. Maybe I’ve been too bogged down by the daily slog, but it was just so much fun.

I really didn’t care that I had only slept two hours the night before, already endured a 10-hour day, or that I had a full schedule of law lectures and then tutoring to dread. For the first time in a long time, everything fell away and I didn’t care, didn’t worry and didn’t feel. I didn’t mind that I hadn’t done my readings for class, or that my recital charts weren’t finished. I forgot that I had dirty hair and was sweating from being in my own little bubble. Because for once it was a happy bubble.

To add an even sweeter ending to the evening, at the end of their set, they hopped off the stage and hung out with leftover fans like us. It was the second time in my life that I’d ever felt any level of fan-girl-ness*, and I ended up gushing to Tommy the drummer about how I really dig his time feel. Turns out, he’s actually jazzically trained (somewhere prestigious, on a different instrument) so I guess my ears weren’t lying! Jazz schools and music training aside, what a nice, genuine guy.

I think… it was just so lovely of them. To have played a great show, and then hung out and chatted to us. I don’t know if they’ll remember the moments and words exchanged, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll remember it, and regardless of how fleeting, I found some pretty intense happiness on a fucking stormy Tuesday night. I hope they survived their 40-hour trip to Brazil and didn’t lose any instruments on the way.

When I bought tickets, all those months ago, I had obsessively listened to them whilst studying and expected a good show. I’d thought, Diiv was amazing live, I’m sure the band they spawned from could do just as well. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I can get all analytical-music-student about it, but it’s not about just the music. It was the vibe, the honesty, the atmosphere, the ambience in the things sung and left unsaid. Just some cool guys doing what they love. They were mindset-altering, to say the least. I guess I had better work on an excuse to go back to New York soon?

*The first time being when I met Nick Zinner and it turned out he liked my photos enough to get me a press pass.

P.S. This really sounded like a half-review, half-ramble and I really don’t know what the point in this post was. Nor do I know where this blog is going, but I am going to write more. Maybe not blog more, butwrite more. I know bloggers these days are all trying to find a “target audience”, have specialised blog posts such as “Music Mondays”, etc., and some even monetise their blogs — but I really can’t operate like that. Sure, I write for “someone”, unnamed, uncertain, out there, but I never know who that is until I get the odd comment or email that really connects with me or something I said. Well anyway, this is just an archive of a tiny portion of things I see and do and feel and hear.

all those wasted miles, all those aimless drives through green aisles, our careless lifestyle, it was not so unwise, no



It’s been a long time since the days where I was shooting concerts every week and sometimes I really miss it. But I’ve also been enjoying going along to gigs and being able to jump around and get messed up without having to worry about my gear or whether I’ve taken enough photos before I party. It’s mid-semester break at the moment but I’m still going non-stop. Either sleeping non-stop or trying to catch up on semester one, let alone semester two work, and I still haven’t fully committed to a set list for my graduation recital, which I must do, ASAP. The boy is getting admitted to the Bar in a few weeks’ time and later that evening we are going to see Disclosure. That’s going to be the only partying that will happen in September besides my mother’s milestone birthday, haha.

Oh yeah, my hockey team one the Women’s Div 1 Grade! It was only a week ago but seems like much more time has passed. I need to instill some kind of exercise routine if I want to maintain any hope of retaining some fitness. It’s such a shame that the season’s ended just as I was starting to feel completely game-fit, and could keep running and running without feeling the need to get subbed. I also started swimming again a couple of weeks ago, but my body’s really not used to those set of muscles, after replacing swimming with hockey back in 2007. My willpower also sucks and I know I always give up mentally before my body actually feels that tired or sore. It’s just really hard to be motivated and keep going when there isn’t a fast ball flying past me that I need to chase down, or a desire to win and to keep fighting for the sake of a team. But I want to keep fit so I don’t have to start the whole process of fitness from scratch again, come next season. We’ll have a title to defend by then!

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