I regret everything I’ve done so far, When the pillars of love are blown apart, I stumble through the rubble and decay

I haven’t disappeared, I’ve just had… a really long, rough week. It’s funny how troubles in certain aspects of one’s life – when they either arise or, more appropriately, are finally blown to the surface – can completely halt your life or suspend it in limbo. I’ve labelled the “elephant in the room” as the “pink elephant in the room” this past week because things have been far too tense and unbearable at home for the most part. Now it’s been downgraded to like… the grocery trip you need to buy and have written a list for, but haven’t attended to for fear of a declined credit card or something. Insert some better metaphor because I haven’t got the brainpower right now.

My one achievement of today was cooking dinner. Okay, so not all of it. The pasta/sauce and veges were largely a joint effort from mum and the sister, but I roasted the chicken drumsticks and wings. Sort of just made up a recipe based on some of my favourite ingredients that I deemed relevant to each other enough. I ended up seasoning them in a concoction of mustard seeds, sun-dried tomatoes, pesto, basil, butter, chicken stock, paprika and lemons. It tasted pretty darn good:

Also, seeing as I’ve been getting some feedback on how people are “always looking for new music”, etc, here’s a few more tracks. Plus, what better therapy is there than sharing and blabbering on about music I love? Seeing as I can’t/won’t discuss the inner, private details of my currently more-turbulent-than-usual life. I haven’t had time to make a proper “playlist” like I usually do, but it’s music I dig, nonetheless:

1. Recharge & Revolt – The Raveonettes
One of my top tracks by one of my top bands. The title of this post comes from this song. It’s also one of my favourites off their latest album, Raven in the Grave, and is truly everything that I love this band for – noise, nostalgia, atmosphere, whispery and surprisingly-close-to-heart lyrics. Heart-melt by them, as always. I’ve finally got the boy to listen to this album as well… he also loves The Raveonettes, but its taken him ages to get around to this album.

2. I Can See Through You – The Horrors
Their newest album was just released last month (I think…?) so I’ve posted a live version. However, there’s a horribly mislabeled album version of it on Youtube here. It kind of feels like The Horrors are aiming closer and closer towards people’s comfort zones and further from obscurity, with each progressing album of theirs. I haven’t had time to pay too much attention to the second half of the album yet, but this song has been my stand-out right from the start. Still sounds like “The Horrors”y in my head, but is catchier than their older stuff, I guess.

3. Here Sometimes – Blonde Redhead
Love them. Love to them. Cry to them. This is another example why.

4. Shadows – Warpaint
Pretty girls with pretty girls with words like pearls. It’s just a lovely, lovely song.

5. Lover I Don’t Have To Love – Bright Eyes
I wrote half a song whilst speeding home from uni listening to this, the week before last. When I got home, the first thing I did was sit down with my notebook and scribbled down as much as I could of the lyrics before I forgot it all. My family thought I was nuts, but I appreciate mum for understanding my frantic ways and doesn’t take my “WAIT! I’m writing something, come back and talk to me later, out, OUT!” personally. I guess she’s used to it. Anyway, I haven’t listened to Bright Eyes for a few years now, but had a sudden urge to, recently… This is just instrumented and written so well, I get hooked on the spiral of it and want the song to never end. I guess that’s why they call it a “hook”, huh? Funny story about that term, my sister accidentally called it “whatdyoucallits, a whip of a song? Whip?!“, to which I burst out laughing and said, “noo Liv, it’s called a hook! Oh my god… whip…”.

6. Late Nineties Bedroom Rock for Missionaries – Broken Social Scene
Turns out this was a particularly nice track for the background music of the boy’s suffering. By that, I mean subjecting him to dinner with my parents and then a few hours worth of my competitiveness in a card game that we’ve played for years and years. I hope he enjoyed it more than mum and I thought he did though. That aside, it’s a pretty sparse song, especially next to the likes of “Almost Crimes” from the same album. Which, actually, I think would be my favourite song by them, not this one. Ah well.

7. Can I – J Mascis
Could only find it off a Youtube playlist, so I hope it comes up with the right track. To be honest, it’s a bloody depressing song, but there’s some kind of weird beauty in the sadness of songs. In fact, I think the most cheerful song on this entire list was by The Horrors, which is saying a lot – especially if anyone listens to their older stuff. Anyway, I just like the twang of guitar and how blatantly sad this song is. I’m usually not into stuff like this so much, stylistically.

Quote of the past week, from a book I greatly want to read because of this excerpt:

“That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it and think how different its course would have been. Pause, you who read this, and think for a long moment of the long chain of iron of gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on that memorable day.”

– Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Oh, say say say – “Wait, they don’t love you like i love you”

Words that I would absolutely die if I heard, yet feel like I will definitely die if I don’t. The lacklustre blogging is because uni and life have had a hold on me this past week, and with the entire family back together again, life will surely preoccupy me for the next week to come also. Dad’s back for the week as of earlier this evening. Picked him up from the airport and then took him out to dinner. Brought the boy with me, and so the “big two” men of my life met. Scarily so.

Taken on Ilford HP5 Plus 400 B/W film; Nikon F3. A photo I had used in the exhibition.

Call me sentimental, but honestly, I’m only blogging in the middle of the night because I wanted to post this playlist. It’s important to me. Close to heart. Far too dear. I would cry to every song if left alone on my own with this playlist… or even if I wasn’t alone. The amount of times I have. Over the person this playlist represents.

For the two years apart, six months together and an infinite more. Six songs for the past and one for the very endearing right now:

1. Bluish – Animal Collective
First night, first band he introduced me to. From one of the best albums of that year (2009), a very fitting song with very fitting lyrics.

2. Roads – Portishead
From an unforgettable night with this unforgettable album. I also wrote about “Mysterons” from Portishead’s album, Dummy, here. Everything about this so is just so subtle, so powerful… just so.

3. Ion Square – Bloc Party
“The perfect modern love song” – We dissected this song’s lyrics to smithereens, and who could blame us? The words are just so beautifully, powerfully written and described how we were for such a short while. A short while that has frozen itself for eternity in my memory. In an otherwise-forgotten song from an otherwise-dismissed album, we found Kele’s words which I wish were mine. Lyrics can be found here at their band website.

4. Y Control – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
From one of my all-time favourite albums, by one of my timelessly favourite bands. An unbearable reminder. Also the name of the epically long playlist I made last year which prompted me to start writing again.

5. Blush – The Raveonettes
I told him to listen to this song because I loved it. I told him I loved this song because I love the band. I knew he would listen to this song because I said so. And this song said everything I couldn’t. The most honest juxtaposition made with noisy, noisy guitar and such soft, realistic lyrics.

6. In Particular – Blonde Redhead
On repeat in his room, after two very mind-sucking(ly good, one of them was) movies. Then live at Laneway festival precisely six months ago, today. This band proves that former jazz students can write and play other genres too. And very well at that.

7. Overcome – Tricky
All the nights spent sleeping to this song on a previous playlist… for the times spent reading in his bed, to time spent “dancing” to this song. It’s a bloody good album opener, I’ll say that much. And very sexy too.

Seven months ago I was the commitment-phobe that found peace and company by means of globe-trotting. Now I’d still like to keep doing so… just perhaps not so alone. It’s scary, I’m a completely different person now than I was one, two, three, six months ago.

So maybe the point is that nowadays, I plan for tomorrow morning, tomorrow evening… I think about the upcoming “next week”s, I plot a while ahead. I can finally see that “ahead” even exists at all. That I don’t have to be like everything I’ve been taught through nurture (torture), and that some people don’t give up on me just because I pretend I want them to.

” And I am certain that I love you, more than I am certain that I like myself. “

Do it without me, do it when i’m gone. Do it without me, do it when it’s wrong

It’s been a roller coaster of a day, of a week; an absolute storm in my head. Which is fitting that I happened to stumble on this photo that I took in Sydney last year – it’s pretty much a visual representation of how my mind feels like right now. In constant motion. Multi-faceted and slightly confusing. Several planes functioning at the same time…


Sydney, 2010.

As per mentioned earlier this week, I’ve decided to compile a playlist. This one is mostly consisted of music I’ve acquired recently, which have been on high rotation. As usual, I’m absolutely anal over the number of tracks and the order that they go in – and I’m still not perfectly happy with the lack of flow in some places, but there’s not much more I can do right now except post the darn thing!

1. Four More Years – Teen Daze
So the most recent evidence of the boy’s influence on my music taste is “chillwave”. I’m not even going to discuss it because it took me a long time to get into it, and I have to be in the right mood for this stuff – but it’s brilliant right now, because I have a terrible cold and this music is good (or bad) for the middle of winter when you start daydreaming of summer escapades. If we end up executing some ideas we tossed around, I’m sure we’ll end up taking a long drive listening to stuff similar to this playlist, and immortalising summer with the graininess of film.

2. Undercover Martyn – Two Door Cinema
I literally only heard this song a few hours ago and immediately had to put it on repeat for a while. It sounds exactly like something I’ve been craving for some time, without even knowing how or why.

3. When I’m Yours – Film School
I love music like this. It’d been a long time since I listened to bands or songs with an atmosphere like this, and I’ve really missed it. In saying that, the music snob in me will say that “this isn’t amazing music” per se, on a strictly musical level; but as I was saying to the boy (who isn’t so hot keen on this type of sound), that this song is “really good for what it is”. It’s got the driving bass, the whispery vocals, a decent hook, snare hits in the right places, blaaah! Okay I’ll stop analysing it now. It was funny though, because he said that if he were to think of a type of music as being “Amanda”, this would probably be it. It also makes me miss shoe-gaze.

4. Echoes – Washed Out
Within & Without is hands down my favourite record by Ernest Greene. Sure, his other stuff are great (and very summery, once again), but this album is far more intimate compared to his EPs, and this track is one of my favourites. It also has a killer album cover that I desperately want to re-create…

5. Despicable Dogs – Small Black
It seems to be a recurring theme that I like swirly-sounding songs. What I love so much about songs with this quality that sounds like it’s swirling in circles is how lost I can get in them. You lose track of time. You have no idea how much more of the song is left. And usually, it will have a façade of positivity through the use of major keys, but with a heavy undercurrent of something darker, sadder. Mmmm. The title of the post comes from this song, by the way.

6. Abducted – Cults
According to my music taste, I have a huge thing for trios and duos. Especially two-pieces consisting of a guy and a girl, so this band falls under that category perfectly. Asides from the fact that I don’t believe Brian’s actual last name could truly be as awesomeawesmoeawesome as “Oblivion” – and the fact that they come from San Francisco (which I’ve said enough times that I LOVE = awesome), are based in Manhattan (which I desperately want to visit = more awesome) and attended NYU (come on, I can’t even afford the flights there, let alone attend NYU, dammit! = even MORE awesome) – I really like their voices. On top of that, she’s pretty (has nice legs) and her voice has this weird pleading edge to it that I just can’t achieve with my voice which is about a whole octave lower. Maybe she’s the new #3 on my list of “ladies I’d like to be/like”.

7. Lofticries – Purity Ring
Good song. That’s all.

8. Baby Says (Acoustic) – The Kills
An acoustic version of my favourite track from The Kills’ newest album: click here for the album version. As mentioned above, I love guy/gal two-pieces, and The Kills is possibly my utmost favourite duo. There’s a weird familiarity in this song, even during the very first time I heard it, so that’s probably why it’s my top pick from Blood Pressures. Plus, I haven’t mentioned them since forever, and Mosshart is my #1 “lady I’d like to be”, after all. Except that I used the word “lady” in reference to Madeline Follin, above, but that word is terribly inappropriate and ironic for Mosshart.

9. Lady Daydream – Twin Sister
I don’t have any particular attachments to this song, I just think it’s nice. Twangy guitar. Dreamy vocals. Nice bass tone. Yup.

10. Coma Summer – Weekend
Had a huge nostalgic need for some psychedelic/shoe-gaze music a week or two ago, and this San Franciscan band fitted the bill nicely. I have a terrible habit of posting album openers on my playlists, but that’s the thing – the reason they’re the first track on an album means they’re good and reflect the band or album precisely. For those not into this genre, this would probably at best only be a “put on in the background whilst you read news online or pretend to study” kind of song, but I dig it nonetheless.

11. Trying Something New – The Honeydrips
I’m afraid the link takes you to the track on Myspace because I couldn’t find it on Youtube. Once again influenced by the boy, his love of Swedish artists has really rubbed off. Although it doesn’t have many lyrical merits, it’s one of those songs that still manage to sound good with the same lines and hook repeated over and over again. And for some reason, I really think that the hook of this song sounds like Real Estate’s “Beach Comber”, even though they are completely different-sounding songs.

12. I’ll Be Your Man – Anna Calvi
After several sources mis-quoted, I finally found a reliable source (BBC) which said that Brian Eno called Calvi “the biggest thing since Patti Smith”. Whilst I had tried and never really caught onto Patti Smith, something about this particular Calvi song struck a chord with me. I hate that term, because it’s a shitty and unintentional music pun, but I honestly couldn’t think of any other way of putting it right now. Anyway, before this playlist-making business completely destroys my self esteem, I need to point out how admirably talented and sexy Calvi is. I don’t play guitar mostly because I hate the way it feels in my hands and prefer the musical function of bass anyway, but it’s people like her that makes me go, damn, I need to learn how to do that, properly. Her technique! She plays guitar like a man. Like a particular man I know, but my my, how many men would want to be that guitar in her hands. (Live version of this track here). And oh damn, maybe she’s the new #3 and Follin will have to be #4. Because she trumps her both on musical and physical merits. Shhh.

13. Neon – Teen Daze
I don’t know why I like doing this, but I’ve just realised that this is not the first time I’ve started and ended a playlist with the same artist. It just seems well-rounded or something. Plus, this song is dreamy and sweet and very nostalgic-sounding – which makes me wish I was a teenager all over again, and furthermore, makes me want to repeat all my mistakes slightly differently. If only.

So hold me, you know this wasn’t planned. Hold me close, you’ll hold

Class today was a bit of a joke. I had a clash so got moved into a different combo, which meant that I now only have 1.5hrs of class on Tuesdays. On all the students’ timetables online, it said that our Composition & Arranging class was at 1pm-2.30pm, but according to the teachers’ version of the timetables, class is set for 12pm-1.30pm. I only found out by accident yesterday, whilst trying to sort out the clash with the HOD and the teacher in charge of combo placements; so I ended up txting Oli, the teacher for this paper, to confirm that it was indeed at noon. In the end, only five people (myself included) showed up for class on time, so Oli decided to call it lunch time and to start class at 1pm when everyone else showed up.

Turns out, Student Services Online and the music school admin is more useless than we thought, and they had mucked up the times of the class before and after ours as well! And this is for classes of 3rd years, 2nd years and honours students, all for just one room! Ridiculous.

I ended up going over to Albert Park on the other side of campus to have lunch with the boy since the weather was so lovely outside. Lovely, but freezing. I happened to have everything the boy wanted for lunch so I shared and took a couple of quick snaps before anyone spotted me being touristy. Basically, going anywhere else on/near campus is a novelty for me, since I virtually never venture out of the KMC.

Seeing this fountain today made me think of The Fountainhead. My sister is a fair way through it now, and I read her a chapter earlier tonight as she curled up in bed.

My box of fuit and salami & cheese sandwiches. I bought that Marcs skirt along with the cardigan I was on about yesterday. It’s nice to own and wear a bit of c0lour… I constantly look fit for a funeral, otherwise.

 I was going to post a couple of nice songs but decided against it… I think I’ll post a full playlist along with youtube links later in the week instead. For now, a poem:

“HOme”

O I have allowed too many
visitors
Not guests
into this house that
was not
my            Home

until You
entered and affixed
a light
a heat
into the deep bellies
O’ the ceiling.

i have sat and laid
and chat
with mortal,
ordinary ones.
more than once.
special, they ought
think not,
for what is a host
without a cause?

for empty nights i stared
            at walls
            at all
            at.
i can’t alter the backlog.

you wonder of the
dozen more hands that touched
the door and
wiped the floor
filthy tracks
like thoroughfare
i conduct memories as an
   archival library –
irrelevant, useless, left to dust and rot but
libraries must be kept in order. In check,
in line,
with time.

            You daren’t
            Enquire.
for this HOme was an old house,
      a trodden, (mis)used refused
      house with mislaid boards and
      traps, set just-so;
But this HOme is now
transformed
morphed
crystallised
into well-polished
sparkling form today.

and my Home is no longer open,
            not for sale
            to the highest bidder,
any bidder,
even more handsome than thee–
this once Open HOme is
            Sold
to its old-Owner
whose key to the door
and cellar
Is the Only
One
that Fits,
O.

… something you want becomes something you need

So this is like an angsty-teen type of blog post. Even though I’m not a teenager anymore, bummer.

Tell me – if I gave someone too much credit and held expectations too high and then they fuck up and let me down… is it entirely their fault for fucking up? Or is it also partially my fault for now feeling like utter shit because my expectations were too high to begin with? I’ve mentioned at some point on this blog that I never hold high expectations anymore because I’ve become such a pessimist that I don’t want to be let down – so I definitely didn’t think my expectations were too high. Until they were crushed.

I actually have no idea why I still feel like I’ve been torn inside out, stomped all over and constantly on the verge of breaking down when there is nothing imminently wrong. But I just can’t seem do dislodge this huge accumulated load of crap that is stuck, stuck on my mind! I always feel it’s ten times worse for an intelligent person to do or say something dumb compared to if a dumb person did. And I forgive but forgetting is so much harder to do. Especially when I’m now in constant defensive mode thinking, bracing myself, wondering when I’m about to be let down again. Because lately it just feels like I’m constantly having to deal with emotional barriers, getting over things that hurt me, healing and trusting all over… just to have it carelessly thrown back in my face.

I’ve been taking such care as to not hurt people as of late. Why couldn’t the same be done to me? When I was younger I was much more impatient and selfish, and I never invested in anyone else – never trusted people enough to invest in them, expect anything of them. People thought I was ice cold, heartless, self-centred, un-trusting. So now that I’ve reversed all of the above, why do I actually feel a lot worse than when I was supposedly a worse person?

Is it really that hard to expect someone to say and do what they DO mean and feel, and expect them to not say and not do what they DON’T mean and feel? I’m so strung out from trying to disregard things said and done that weren’t meant, and trying to invent words and actions that are meant but never said for me to hear. It’s like that Radiohead song, “just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there”. But I know it’s there. Fucking tell me it’s there. Tell me how you do fucking feel, not how you don’t. And show me it’s there instead of accidentally making me doubt first, and then trying to win my confidence back. Whatever happened to my confidence? In anything.

Okay, I feel marginally better now. Maaaarginally. It’s definitely time for me to resume writing, instead of attempting to finish tidying my room.

a mess

the tired boy, post-party

painting bathroom

more bathroom painting. today I got some paint on my hair, urgh

And funnily enough, I think this picture best describes the decision which confronts any boy that’s ever been interested in me:

… I sure as hell ain’t emotionally stable.

One last thing: I’ve fallen for Autolux, especially their song “Supertoy”. There’s like a nice mix of My Bloody Valentine, Radiohead, good lyrics and a moving bass line to keep me interested. Oh, and their bass player sings, so:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8