I know that lots of people who know me IRL read/browse through my blog, but I obviously don’t care who reads this. Yes, I’m airing dirty laundry online, but at least my clothes are all intact. I’m not going to become one of those facade-bloggers that only blog about the bright and cheery stuff in my life as if I’m living in utopia even though in reality, everything is hectic, fucked up, stressful, and makes no logical sense. I think… really, this blog post is about how apparently I have to constantly lose things that are important to me(?!!) In order to truly appreciate what I still retain, things and people that tend to slip under the radar but whom I wouldn’t be the same without.
In my last post I had said that something wasn’t right and was hoping that it would work out. Well it didn’t. Long story short, my “best friend” came over to my house and broke up with me as a friend. Complete with a bag full of my stuff. As if she were breaking up with some guy. Who the hell does that?! This is someone who I had held in tremendous regard, who was my closest confidant for the past year or two, and we did and shared everything with one another. I guess not anymore.
I thought it was a given that when people cease being friends that they either have some kind of huge falling out, or they end up drifting apart. No one I know of has ever heard of someone ending a friendship like how you would break up with a lover.
I guess I was wrong, and once again placed trust and faith in people who ultimately let me down. Before anyone even tries to say “maybe she’ll come around” – no, she won’t. She’s too proud and stubborn for that shit, and I’m too dead-set on my own life now to waste precious time and energy hoping. Come on – who gets over a friend just like that?! And what’s wrong with becoming more casual friends that occasionally hang out and usually don’t speak at all? Rather than completely annihilating the whole friendship as if it was a complete dream based on bullshit. It’s not the fact that it’s happened that bugged me most, its the way it happened, and the stupid series of events that led up to it. And yes, it’s a long story, but I’m not leaving anything important out – there was no great life-changing catalyst that caused this. None that warrants this emotionally-immature of a response anyway. The motto I tend to live by is that if something’s wrong, you try and fix it. And if you can’t fix it, then you live with it, hopefully in lesser doses. I’d always been envious of the way how she’s been so (relatively) sheltered both physically and emotionally, and she’s even said in the past how she can’t imagine having gone through and having to deal with half the things I have, and I’m not even 20 yet. I was envious because sometimes I would think, wouldn’t it be so great if I were a little more ignorant, suffered less pain, and a whole lot more innocent because of it? People have said that all those things have made me who I am today, and I wouldn’t change the things I’ve learnt, but now I’m not envious of being sheltered anymore. I’ve been through worse fights, yell-fests, public shaming and humiliations due to arguments/conflict/friction with friends before… but the most important people that I’m closest to have stuck by me through thick and thin regardless of the wrongs we had done, and the things we said in voices too loud, out of spite or the spur of the angry moment. I just kind of feel sorry for both of us now – her for being cruel and cold and her inability to care; and me for caring, wondering who will have to throw her “surprise 21st birthday party” in six months’ time, for giving a shit, and all the hurt and pain that comes with it…
All of the frustration, hurt and anger aside though, it’s just a pity really – all the things we have in common and both enjoy are still there. The things we agree and disagree on are just the same. I don’t know why it had to be so melodramatic. It feels like, “boo hoo Amanda, tough shit that you care and I don’t give two shits”. She said she knows it’s cruel, but my response to that was “don’t you dare try to pretend that you know how inhumane this is”. Don’t get me wrong, she was an amazing friend while it lasted. But honestly, how do you purge yourself of a former best friend? Am I supposed to rip a few things off my wall now, because they were from or relating to her? I mean, WHAT THE FUCK.
Irrelevantly, I’m suddenly really glad (don’t take this the wrong way) that I’m completely heterosexual, with no chance of ever striking up a same-sex relationship. I can’t imagine how badly female lovers would treat each other! As I was saying to the boy earlier tonight, the dumb questions that females ask because they need reassurance, urgh. Anyway, I’ve fucking had it with losing best friends. Up until this broke the record, what with being 2011, I’ve lost one every other year of my life since 2002 (04, 06, 08, ’10). Just as I was getting my hopes up that for once that someone who hates so much the “atrocious things girls do to each other”, wouldn’t be the same – well apparently she is capable of the exact same, if not worse crime.
On a compleeetely different note, aren’t these the cutest things to receive for Easter? “Charlie the Easter Chick” was from the boy, and the delightfully cute mini eggs are from his mum. I’m pleasantly surprised and proud of myself for having managed to savour them over a week, rather than devouring them all in one sitting.
Last night the boy and I went to his friend’s house for a bit of a gathering as three of his friends had returned from studying out of town and abroad. Whilst most of us were having fun chucking down junk food and beers with the (unneeded) aid of drinking games, two of them decided to be a bit on the anti-social side, and watched the royal wedding instead. A bit surprising, really. I don’t hold much interest otherwise, but I’m glad that Middleton’s dress was by McQueen. It was executed magnificently.
As a side note, it was interesting to see how people responded to the “quote” at the end of my last blog post. Interesting, because just as I had predicted, people took what it was saying far more seriously and thought about it a bit more, because I had quoted it rather than just put it as a paragraph in my post. Basically, I quoted myself. I know the first line sounds a bit “off”, but it’s all a bit out of context and things relating to it were taken out, so that’s why.
“Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being.” – Daisaku Ikeda