I don’t like my current attitude of living one day, trying to get to the next; barely taking a breather on the weekends only to do it all again ever so painfully starting Mondays. Even worse, now that I think about it, Sundays are quite a bit of a torture for me too – dreading the next day, the next pile of homework, the next pile of music to practise. There’s nothing wrong about my life right now, so to speak. Only the little, petty things that I complain about (which I’m sure are done a million times the world over by fellow teenagers). I’d set out to blog about two or three times over the past week, and never ended up clicking “Publish”.

Basically the title was what Mum wanted to have a “talk” to me about the other day. I’d gotten home, exhausted out of my mind and was just dying at the thought of having to do a shitload of homework. She suddenly said in a serious tone, “We need to have a ‘talk’”, which completely freaked me out. I think I was expecting something along the lines of  “hurry up and finish your work” or “you haven’t practised enough [insert instrument]“, but instead she told me to slow down; to take one thing after the other and completely slow down. I’m sure she repeated that phrase a million times in that conversation. She said me and the piano was like an oil painting, or like papier-mâché – you can’t just quickly spread it out thinly, instead you have to go over and over, patiently, layer by layer and build on it. At some point, either the night before or after this, I broke down and had a good cry. I don’t know what about. I just don’t feel completely well. Allan (therapist from 2004-turned-family-friend) rang up to check on me, and I think Mum may have arranged for him to see me sometime next week when he drives up from Cambridge. Hopefully.

Word of the day – Succotash noun: beans and corn cooked together

For no particular reason except out of sheer curiosity, I looked up what the word “succotash” meant. In fact, I didn’t even know such a word actually existed until I looked it up in the dictionary. Anyway, the point is, I’ve been listening to Herbie Hancock’s “Inventions And Dimensions” album quite a bit in the past couple of days – his music’s been recommended to me several times the world over, but I’ve never really sat down and paid much attention until I got hold of the album – and I wish I’d gotten into it much, much earlier!

In other, slightly related matters, I’ve once again been dubbed the bassist of the school stage band. in all honesty I thought my position in the stage band this year was under threat as the new HOD of Music stressed over and over about how only the best, best, best players of the school get to play in it; but thanks to my handy dandy sight-reading skills (haha, I only sight-read well on bass/doubleb bass), he’s finally noticed me, complimented me and said the position is mine with no problemo! Yay!

I have much more to rave endlessly about, but I must be off to get my (lack of) beauty sleep, and hopefully somewhere in sweetdreamsland, I can uncover the method of “turning on the charm”. Mwahaha.

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why or how there are so many fucking ANTS on my desk! There is no food anywhere in sight, and I’ve killed lots of them already, yet they still keep appearing out from all directions! AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

In other matters, I’m struggling with practising the piano, but all is going well with electric bass, upright bass, percussion and concert band. I’m getting the gist of history exam questions and further score analysis, whilst trying to deal with high school drama, social confrontations, and dealing with infatuation. Ah, the colourful life of a teenager.

New Year’s what? Oh, did someone say resolutions? Oops. This is the first year that I actually made proper “New Year’s Resolutions”, and less than two months later, I’d forgotten about them. It had seemed like I was just about to fall back into my unconstructive, destructive, downward-spiralling cycle this past week, until I broke down, cried it all out and resurrected myself. I’m almost finding this sense of numbness quite appealing, it seems to numb both physical and mental/emotional pain; although I discovered the other day that it doesn’t tone down my frustration nor anger.

I’ll be watching this space, waiting to figure out what to do with it. I feel something new coming on, new values, new views, opinions, a new look – I’m changing all over again.