I went to our hockey team’s (our school’s 2nd xi) pre-seasons bonding party the other night, and we played two um… “bonding” games. One of which was splitting into two teams (attackers against defenders) and trying to build a marshmellow tower – tallest wins. As you can see, our group’s marshmellow structure didn’t do so well, so Megan ended up mushing up all the marshmellows and we just shoved all the sticks into it. Hmmfph. I personally think the team is still, and will ever only be semi-bonded because there’s simply too tight of a group within the team to everlet anyone else in. But no matter, the season starts in a week and a half, and I can’t wait for our games to start.

In other matters, I just realised the other night when someone mentioned him, after months of indifference and practically no thoughts about an ex, that I still have a jar of undissolved anger, which probably means I’m still holding a grudge?
Another realisation that dawned upon me this weekend is that I’m not ready to be 16. I know, I know, it sounds so lame and retarded, but for some odd, unexplainable, sentimental reason, I really don’t feel ready to be 16. It seems as if I’m not ready to be, or haven’t yet grown into all that I’d mentally put into turning 16 for my whole life. I’d usually see any other birthday as being just another day, but this one feels like it’s meant to be different. As if I’m supposed to have accomplished something of sentimental or landmark-ish value. Argh. Why do my brain and emotions play annoying tricks on me?!

It’s exactly what I feel right now. The setting of the mood is perfectly transcribed by “Feeding On The Night” by Little Birdy. Not necessarily all the lyrics (to be honest I haven’t paid enough attention to them), but the general atmosphere and tone of the song.

I need to slow down in ways that are beyond my self control. I need to let go of things which aren’t yet consciously registered by me, but are becoming an unseen burdens. I feel the need to acknowledge perhapsy even the mere existence of certain feelings, worries, issues, or the fact that I care about some things in order for me to fully come to terms with this mysterious state I’m in. I’m not yet able to recover from the prospect of something in particular coming to a close. An end. Closure.

Just for the record, all of the above has nothing to do with anybody in particular – no it is not about a boy, more to do with… ah, I can’t even bring myself to say it. I need to get into the gist of it, appreciate it, then get over it and stop being dependent.

The whole point to me starting a “50 days” category was so I could blog everyday for the 50 days up until my birthday. Look how miserably I’m failing.

In other matters, I’ve officially had enough of being home alone (5 nights). Mum and Liv are finally back in Auckland today, which means I no longer have to conjure up my own dinner, yay! But the real reason for my excitement is because I’ve finally gotten my hands on two very very very awesome CDs – The Morning After Girls: Prelude: ep’s 1 & 2 & Little Birdy: Hollywood.

The Morning After Girls are an Australian band, who I’ve contacted via myspace last night and established that they will be touring New Zealand later this year. They’re an alluring mix of psychedelic rock with seductive vocals and guitar feedbacks. Little Birdy’s Hollywood album on the other hand, was based on the phrase “Inside I’m crying, outside I’m dancing” and is, well, a colourful album full of contrasting ideas. Anyway, I highly recommend both albums, so go out and buy them both now! (Google their myspaces for samples, but TMAG’s myspace doesnt feature my favourite song of theirs – Hi-skies, you can find it on their official website though).

Oh crap school’s starting soon again.

I managed to pull an all-weeker again. I’m soooooo bad with trying to blog. I wish I had a handheld mobile device that would allow me to blog from anywhere, at anytime – then I would actually blog at regular, daily (if not hourly, perhaps) intervals, instead of the boring weekly that I’m currently doing. Anyway, I’ve had a pretty good time so far these holidays, doing nothing productive (yet) but I must admit I hate the holidays kicking off on Easter weekend. No offence intended to the occasion and religious background behind the Easter occasion and all, but looking from a non-religious and shallow standpoint, it’s quite annoying to have no shops open for much of the first weekend – the one in which people like myself are most keen on going shopping. Ah well.

It’s two of my friends’ birthdays today, and apparently it feels like nothing special to either of them. Should I take this as a sign as to how unexciting and un-special my birthday will be in 43 days? Or should I just take it that a 15th and 17th birthday aren’t as allegedly “glamourous”? Or perhaps because they’re both boys?

It scares me to think that I’m about to turn 16. For the past couple of years birthdays (and other previously ’special’ occasions) haven’t been much of a big deal at all. I miss experiencing the anticipation of a birthday, but perhaps it’s not so bad not to anticipate, in case I get disappointed? The thing is, for most of my childhood I longed to be sweet sixteen – it seemed THE age that movies and other forms of media depict to be as the best time of a girl’s life, the time when teen sensations get record deals and girls become young women. I no longer see the hype but I’m afraid that it will turn out to be “just another day” like my past few birthdays have been.

The only thing that I’d been somewhat looking forward to was trying out (and since there’s no way I wouldn’t love it) and ultimately getting a Fender Geddy Lee Jazz Bass as a birthday present. Unfortunately, there is none in stock at any Rockshop in the entire country (silly New Zealand!) so I’d have to wait up to 3 months for it to get shipped over; unless it is miraculously in the next Fender shipment from the USA, due to arrive in a month’s time. I’ve got my fingers crossed.