Everything and nothing at all.

A boy in the bush is worth two in the hand, there’s more to life you know

It’s like nothing much has happened, but so much as. I can’t figure out why. I’m emotionally, intellectually, physically pulled in opposing directions.

These pics were snapped on my friend David’s macbook. Some are old, some were from yesterday. That thing is gorgeous. And his new iphone pet… if anyone commits a robbery at his house I’m sure it won’t be hard to find the culprit…

I bused into town to find David at the university and we hung out all day. I’ve been hiding in my room for the past two weeks since study leave started, and I no longer know what day it is, nor can I tell day apart from the night. Went to both of my exams this week on 2 hours of sleep – history went shockingly, I got really unlucky with the questions – but economics was better that I could’ve hoped for given how much i despise and regret taking it… as well as my lack of studying. Just going to brace myself and hope for the best, it’s too late now. Luckily I don’t need to sit any exams for university entrance; in fact I sometimes regret not having dropped out thus not having to fork out for exam costs. AS exams are $65 and A levels are $95 a pop! Not to mention NCEA was $75… it wasn’t pleasant. All the less so when my parents joked that I should’ve indeed dropped out and just gone on a nice long holiday. Yikes.

At the moment I just want the next three weeks to be over. Monday is my uni audition for jazz, then I have my remaining exams – after which I will definitely be living it up. A friend and I have decided we’re going to embark on a trip to Japan and Taiwan together. He’s studied Japanese for five years, and despite my mother, I still can’t speak it for yonks. We’re looking forward to the hilarity of when Japanese people start talking to me, but it’s the white boy that understands, translates, then replies! I’ve decided that will be one of the things I seek to achieve this summer: try and learn some Japanese. I know the reaaally bare-boned basics and I can guess every other word, but that’s about it.

Was talking about tides of people the other day. About how we always seem to have a ‘drought’, only to next be bombarded with too many options the next thing you know. So many people I know right now are "looking for someone", wanting to be in a relationship. I really don’t understand that. Why do 18-20 year olds want to be ‘on the prowl’? It’s not like we’re approaching our later 20s, approaching 30s that life cycles and society tells us we "need someone". I understand loneliness, and trust me I hate it too, but the entire "relationship" thing sends me running. It’s so hard… how do you strike a balance with having fun, but not getting too carried away? Some chemistry and connections you just cannot deny – but so what?

What am I entitled to?

I’m a ridiculously multi-faceted person, and my personality is split in so many ways I often get asked "where did [the other] Amanda go?" I’m young and I’m allowed to get out and be who I want, do what I like, but I don’t want to be a heartbreaker. Metronomy’s "Heartbreaker" and "A Thing For You" remind me of things that go flying around me often. A juxtaposing state but it somehow works. There always seems to be some kind of drama. Something stirring. I seem unable to remain still, leave the waters alone. It’s as if I’d be bored or boring without it. It’s ironic, the people I’m most interested in are the ones who hold no interest for me. This is, on all levels. Not just in a romanticised point of view, but even just as people. I feel like I want to befriend the people who seem to have only some thin common thread with me – nothing at all in my comfort zone… but it keeps them interesting?

I want to extend my horizons, I will not be stuck here forever.

Exotic,
you’re chaotic,
his bassic distraction all night.
What are you?
The intimate
ambiguous delight.

Neurotic,
your melodic
words are attractive(a trap to)
his soul(sole)
Emotion; make me the blame.

Kiss me where your eyes won’t meet me

AS/A Level music class 2009 on the last day of school:

Super glad to be on study leave, so I don’t have to pretend like I’m actually attempting some form of revision in class – when I’m really too hell-bent on sussing out my upcoming weekend or some other form of social life. Life has been such, until yesterday, when I finally began studying for my first exam, which is next Monday. Which is then to be followed by my worst subject/paper, on Wednesday. Please shoot me now. And I’m not quite sure why I always seem to be lying across several people in photos – this one sort of looks like a re-enactment of my 17th birthday last year. Which… thinking about it now, is a ridiculously long time ago.

I’m not sure where the last week of freedom just went. Other people on study leave have been working ten times harder and longer than they had at school, ever. Meanwhile, day in, night out has pretty much been my inverted cycle of life. Drank some, danced some, drove a whole lot – the other night I went and rescued some friends who had compleeeeeeeeeeeeetely run out of petrol… that was rather disastrous for them, especially since they hadn’t invited me to their intimate do-up it was quite humiliating, I suspect. Needless to say, I wasn’t entirely bubbly at 2am, but I was keen on a late night drive with a friend anyway, so that was simply an excuse.

Us girls will never now how we make you boys feel.

All those evenings spent disappointed on dancefloors

I can’t believe I only have one more week of school left, then it’s study leave for exams – and then I sign out forever and ever on December 1st, and it’s goodbye college, hello summer, university! At around this time of year for the past two years in a row, I’ve blogged about going through Leavers’ Concert and counting down how it will be my turn soon – and it was, on the last week of last term. I’m not sure, maybe because it’s still so raw, unfinished, an unsatisfied ending to what was meant to be a climatic evening, that I don’t want to talk about it…. yet. Just at the moment, prizegiving is coming up on Thursday. Despite a nomination for the girls cultural cup, I’m not expecting anything; though I’m sure I will still hold my breath for a split second, regardless.

I’m disappointed that I haven’t had any new epiphanies, nothing worthy of writing a huge tangent about. My sleeping pattern for the past week has been pretty much: sleep at 3 or 4am, get up at 7-something, go to school, come home and sleep until either dinner or hockey time, repeat. It’s been bizarre.

In contrasting matters, I had a little article in the Fringe Indie Magazine – I’m hoping that they will go through with previous plans of printing it, so i can have one sent. It’s not a biggie, but a nice sentiment, something new to try my hand at.

This is worse than winter

The weather around the general Pacific area has been shocking – I’m sure I don’t need to delve into all the lows, earthquakes, tsunamis and whatnots… so “summer hockey” last night (and undoubtedly tomorrow night also) was atrociously freezing and wet.

I haven’t been studying much these holidays, but last Friday night my friend’s band, the Artisan Guns finally released their first EP through EMI, Bird & Bone. It’s amazing. I was so excited to have bought it in a store as well, and I’m sure the novelty is far greater for them than it is for me. Sadly, my favourite track (Tuesday Night) isn’t on their myspace page… but their EP Release gig blew the audience away. Unfortunately I haven’t had time to put pics of them up yet, but I’m finally uploaded photos of other friends of mine, who were their supporting act, the Glass Owls. Photos can be found here, or through Gallery -> Summer Boys.

I don’t usually get very good shots of drummers, cos they tend to be right at the back of very dark stages, but the photos from Friday were my best yet, even if I say so myself. I’ve just gotten back from Metronomy’s concert, and it’s 2.33am, so blogging is probably the last thing I ought to be doing right now… but I just felt like putting some photos up. Right now, my jacket is still grossly damp from me having been stuck in it in the front row, dancing and clicking away. Urgh.

On the sly

I’ve been feeling increasingly down, frustrated stressed out as of late, and in general I don’t have all that much to say right now. The only thing which has occurred that might have some long-term bearing on my life is that I’m already officially accepted into the LLB/BA conjoint degrees at university next year based on my UCAS points. Music and Bmus/BA, however, still says “Pending”… we shall see how that develops after I actually send in my music application, I suppose.

The other day during last period study class, I was much too tired to attempt any more writing and sat around daydreaming instead. I was thinking that I really don’t like the feeling I get when I get asked if my hair is naturally curly. At this point I should explain that my hair is naturally quite wavy – though not enough to be curly, and too much of a mess to be anywhere near straight, so about a year ago I got talked into getting a perm; which has surprisingly lasted a whole year until about now. In other words, I decided that being in-between sucked so chose to incline towards something which I thought looked better than the other (I look awful with proper, straight hair).  But being asked such a question makes me feel somewhat like a fraud. Frankly, I observe other people’s roots for answers, instead of asking them “oh, is your hair actually naturally blonde?” – surely not! It would be social suicide in the land of females, so I’m not quite acquainted with why it’s okay for me to be confronted with “oh I thought so, that it wasn’t naturally that curly”: as if I was fake by further extents than those evidently-bleached-platinum-blondes with skin several shades of unkempt and uneven orange, their lips dripping with gloss.

That said, I don’t have any problem with people dying their hair blonde – except asians, really. Now that is just not meant to be. Gross.

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