Photography, both mine and others’.

Oh, say say say – “Wait, they don’t love you like i love you”

Words that I would absolutely die if I heard, yet feel like I will definitely die if I don’t. The lacklustre blogging is because uni and life have had a hold on me this past week, and with the entire family back together again, life will surely preoccupy me for the next week to come also. Dad’s back for the week as of earlier this evening. Picked him up from the airport and then took him out to dinner. Brought the boy with me, and so the “big two” men of my life met. Scarily so.

Taken on Ilford HP5 Plus 400 B/W film; Nikon F3. A photo I had used in the exhibition.

Call me sentimental, but honestly, I’m only blogging in the middle of the night because I wanted to post this playlist. It’s important to me. Close to heart. Far too dear. I would cry to every song if left alone on my own with this playlist… or even if I wasn’t alone. The amount of times I have. Over the person this playlist represents.

For the two years apart, six months together and an infinite more. Six songs for the past and one for the very endearing right now:

1. Bluish – Animal Collective
First night, first band he introduced me to. From one of the best albums of that year (2009), a very fitting song with very fitting lyrics.

2. Roads – Portishead
From an unforgettable night with this unforgettable album. I also wrote about “Mysterons” from Portishead’s album, Dummy, here. Everything about this so is just so subtle, so powerful… just so.

3. Ion Square – Bloc Party
“The perfect modern love song” – We dissected this song’s lyrics to smithereens, and who could blame us? The words are just so beautifully, powerfully written and described how we were for such a short while. A short while that has frozen itself for eternity in my memory. In an otherwise-forgotten song from an otherwise-dismissed album, we found Kele’s words which I wish were mine. Lyrics can be found here at their band website.

4. Y Control – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
From one of my all-time favourite albums, by one of my timelessly favourite bands. An unbearable reminder. Also the name of the epically long playlist I made last year which prompted me to start writing again.

5. Blush – The Raveonettes
I told him to listen to this song because I loved it. I told him I loved this song because I love the band. I knew he would listen to this song because I said so. And this song said everything I couldn’t. The most honest juxtaposition made with noisy, noisy guitar and such soft, realistic lyrics.

6. In Particular – Blonde Redhead
On repeat in his room, after two very mind-sucking(ly good, one of them was) movies. Then live at Laneway festival precisely six months ago, today. This band proves that former jazz students can write and play other genres too. And very well at that.

7. Overcome – Tricky
All the nights spent sleeping to this song on a previous playlist… for the times spent reading in his bed, to time spent “dancing” to this song. It’s a bloody good album opener, I’ll say that much. And very sexy too.

Seven months ago I was the commitment-phobe that found peace and company by means of globe-trotting. Now I’d still like to keep doing so… just perhaps not so alone. It’s scary, I’m a completely different person now than I was one, two, three, six months ago.

So maybe the point is that nowadays, I plan for tomorrow morning, tomorrow evening… I think about the upcoming “next week”s, I plot a while ahead. I can finally see that “ahead” even exists at all. That I don’t have to be like everything I’ve been taught through nurture (torture), and that some people don’t give up on me just because I pretend I want them to.

” And I am certain that I love you, more than I am certain that I like myself. “

Do it without me, do it when i’m gone. Do it without me, do it when it’s wrong

It’s been a roller coaster of a day, of a week; an absolute storm in my head. Which is fitting that I happened to stumble on this photo that I took in Sydney last year – it’s pretty much a visual representation of how my mind feels like right now. In constant motion. Multi-faceted and slightly confusing. Several planes functioning at the same time…


Sydney, 2010.

As per mentioned earlier this week, I’ve decided to compile a playlist. This one is mostly consisted of music I’ve acquired recently, which have been on high rotation. As usual, I’m absolutely anal over the number of tracks and the order that they go in – and I’m still not perfectly happy with the lack of flow in some places, but there’s not much more I can do right now except post the darn thing!

1. Four More Years – Teen Daze
So the most recent evidence of the boy’s influence on my music taste is “chillwave”. I’m not even going to discuss it because it took me a long time to get into it, and I have to be in the right mood for this stuff – but it’s brilliant right now, because I have a terrible cold and this music is good (or bad) for the middle of winter when you start daydreaming of summer escapades. If we end up executing some ideas we tossed around, I’m sure we’ll end up taking a long drive listening to stuff similar to this playlist, and immortalising summer with the graininess of film.

2. Undercover Martyn – Two Door Cinema
I literally only heard this song a few hours ago and immediately had to put it on repeat for a while. It sounds exactly like something I’ve been craving for some time, without even knowing how or why.

3. When I’m Yours – Film School
I love music like this. It’d been a long time since I listened to bands or songs with an atmosphere like this, and I’ve really missed it. In saying that, the music snob in me will say that “this isn’t amazing music” per se, on a strictly musical level; but as I was saying to the boy (who isn’t so hot keen on this type of sound), that this song is “really good for what it is”. It’s got the driving bass, the whispery vocals, a decent hook, snare hits in the right places, blaaah! Okay I’ll stop analysing it now. It was funny though, because he said that if he were to think of a type of music as being “Amanda”, this would probably be it. It also makes me miss shoe-gaze.

4. Echoes – Washed Out
Within & Without is hands down my favourite record by Ernest Greene. Sure, his other stuff are great (and very summery, once again), but this album is far more intimate compared to his EPs, and this track is one of my favourites. It also has a killer album cover that I desperately want to re-create…

5. Despicable Dogs – Small Black
It seems to be a recurring theme that I like swirly-sounding songs. What I love so much about songs with this quality that sounds like it’s swirling in circles is how lost I can get in them. You lose track of time. You have no idea how much more of the song is left. And usually, it will have a façade of positivity through the use of major keys, but with a heavy undercurrent of something darker, sadder. Mmmm. The title of the post comes from this song, by the way.

6. Abducted – Cults
According to my music taste, I have a huge thing for trios and duos. Especially two-pieces consisting of a guy and a girl, so this band falls under that category perfectly. Asides from the fact that I don’t believe Brian’s actual last name could truly be as awesomeawesmoeawesome as “Oblivion” – and the fact that they come from San Francisco (which I’ve said enough times that I LOVE = awesome), are based in Manhattan (which I desperately want to visit = more awesome) and attended NYU (come on, I can’t even afford the flights there, let alone attend NYU, dammit! = even MORE awesome) – I really like their voices. On top of that, she’s pretty (has nice legs) and her voice has this weird pleading edge to it that I just can’t achieve with my voice which is about a whole octave lower. Maybe she’s the new #3 on my list of “ladies I’d like to be/like”.

7. Lofticries – Purity Ring
Good song. That’s all.

8. Baby Says (Acoustic) – The Kills
An acoustic version of my favourite track from The Kills’ newest album: click here for the album version. As mentioned above, I love guy/gal two-pieces, and The Kills is possibly my utmost favourite duo. There’s a weird familiarity in this song, even during the very first time I heard it, so that’s probably why it’s my top pick from Blood Pressures. Plus, I haven’t mentioned them since forever, and Mosshart is my #1 “lady I’d like to be”, after all. Except that I used the word “lady” in reference to Madeline Follin, above, but that word is terribly inappropriate and ironic for Mosshart.

9. Lady Daydream – Twin Sister
I don’t have any particular attachments to this song, I just think it’s nice. Twangy guitar. Dreamy vocals. Nice bass tone. Yup.

10. Coma Summer – Weekend
Had a huge nostalgic need for some psychedelic/shoe-gaze music a week or two ago, and this San Franciscan band fitted the bill nicely. I have a terrible habit of posting album openers on my playlists, but that’s the thing – the reason they’re the first track on an album means they’re good and reflect the band or album precisely. For those not into this genre, this would probably at best only be a “put on in the background whilst you read news online or pretend to study” kind of song, but I dig it nonetheless.

11. Trying Something New – The Honeydrips
I’m afraid the link takes you to the track on Myspace because I couldn’t find it on Youtube. Once again influenced by the boy, his love of Swedish artists has really rubbed off. Although it doesn’t have many lyrical merits, it’s one of those songs that still manage to sound good with the same lines and hook repeated over and over again. And for some reason, I really think that the hook of this song sounds like Real Estate’s “Beach Comber”, even though they are completely different-sounding songs.

12. I’ll Be Your Man – Anna Calvi
After several sources mis-quoted, I finally found a reliable source (BBC) which said that Brian Eno called Calvi “the biggest thing since Patti Smith”. Whilst I had tried and never really caught onto Patti Smith, something about this particular Calvi song struck a chord with me. I hate that term, because it’s a shitty and unintentional music pun, but I honestly couldn’t think of any other way of putting it right now. Anyway, before this playlist-making business completely destroys my self esteem, I need to point out how admirably talented and sexy Calvi is. I don’t play guitar mostly because I hate the way it feels in my hands and prefer the musical function of bass anyway, but it’s people like her that makes me go, damn, I need to learn how to do that, properly. Her technique! She plays guitar like a man. Like a particular man I know, but my my, how many men would want to be that guitar in her hands. (Live version of this track here). And oh damn, maybe she’s the new #3 and Follin will have to be #4. Because she trumps her both on musical and physical merits. Shhh.

13. Neon – Teen Daze
I don’t know why I like doing this, but I’ve just realised that this is not the first time I’ve started and ended a playlist with the same artist. It just seems well-rounded or something. Plus, this song is dreamy and sweet and very nostalgic-sounding – which makes me wish I was a teenager all over again, and furthermore, makes me want to repeat all my mistakes slightly differently. If only.

So hold me, you know this wasn’t planned. Hold me close, you’ll hold

Class today was a bit of a joke. I had a clash so got moved into a different combo, which meant that I now only have 1.5hrs of class on Tuesdays. On all the students’ timetables online, it said that our Composition & Arranging class was at 1pm-2.30pm, but according to the teachers’ version of the timetables, class is set for 12pm-1.30pm. I only found out by accident yesterday, whilst trying to sort out the clash with the HOD and the teacher in charge of combo placements; so I ended up txting Oli, the teacher for this paper, to confirm that it was indeed at noon. In the end, only five people (myself included) showed up for class on time, so Oli decided to call it lunch time and to start class at 1pm when everyone else showed up.

Turns out, Student Services Online and the music school admin is more useless than we thought, and they had mucked up the times of the class before and after ours as well! And this is for classes of 3rd years, 2nd years and honours students, all for just one room! Ridiculous.

I ended up going over to Albert Park on the other side of campus to have lunch with the boy since the weather was so lovely outside. Lovely, but freezing. I happened to have everything the boy wanted for lunch so I shared and took a couple of quick snaps before anyone spotted me being touristy. Basically, going anywhere else on/near campus is a novelty for me, since I virtually never venture out of the KMC.

Seeing this fountain today made me think of The Fountainhead. My sister is a fair way through it now, and I read her a chapter earlier tonight as she curled up in bed.

My box of fuit and salami & cheese sandwiches. I bought that Marcs skirt along with the cardigan I was on about yesterday. It’s nice to own and wear a bit of c0lour… I constantly look fit for a funeral, otherwise.

 I was going to post a couple of nice songs but decided against it… I think I’ll post a full playlist along with youtube links later in the week instead. For now, a poem:

“HOme”

O I have allowed too many
visitors
Not guests
into this house that
was not
my            Home

until You
entered and affixed
a light
a heat
into the deep bellies
O’ the ceiling.

i have sat and laid
and chat
with mortal,
ordinary ones.
more than once.
special, they ought
think not,
for what is a host
without a cause?

for empty nights i stared
            at walls
            at all
            at.
i can’t alter the backlog.

you wonder of the
dozen more hands that touched
the door and
wiped the floor
filthy tracks
like thoroughfare
i conduct memories as an
   archival library –
irrelevant, useless, left to dust and rot but
libraries must be kept in order. In check,
in line,
with time.

            You daren’t
            Enquire.
for this HOme was an old house,
      a trodden, (mis)used refused
      house with mislaid boards and
      traps, set just-so;
But this HOme is now
transformed
morphed
crystallised
into well-polished
sparkling form today.

and my Home is no longer open,
            not for sale
            to the highest bidder,
any bidder,
even more handsome than thee–
this once Open HOme is
            Sold
to its old-Owner
whose key to the door
and cellar
Is the Only
One
that Fits,
O.

When I’m yours, I’ll be waiting for the strike of two, Cause we know, There’s something left for me and you to do

My mood since the last time I blogged has been all over the place, but I think I’ve finally found some kind of mental and emotional footing. Semester two started today, and my timetable is a trainwreck waiting to happen. I’m still waiting on final confirmations from the jazz tutors about when exactly my remaining classes will be, since my jazz courses seem to be colliding with one another. Clashing classes is something that isn’t supposed to happen in such a small department!

In remembrance of the holidays that flew past, here are some photos from last week. My sister and I had appointments over the shore, after which we went and got lunch and ice cream. I also bought an amazingly kick-arse leather jacket, but I haven’t taken photos of that yet though.

Eggs benedict with bacon – my favourite.

This photo makes me feel funny about myself. Something about the angle makes me feel like my nose is abnormally large and that my face is a bit warped out of proportion. Nevertheless, I’m totally loving my Marcs mens cardigan that I bought on sale. So warm, so comfy.

Chocolate ice cream- also my favourite. Liv got mango sorbet which is probably in my Top 5.

For someone who loves taking uncalculated, un-thought-out and seemingly blind risks, I am so boring when it comes to food. I’m just such a sucker for food habits! Once I latch onto a favourite from a restaurant or just in form of a flavour, it’s really hard for me to order something different, to try something new… it just feels like I’d be taking a risk at the potential price of missing out on a guaranteed satisfaction!

The boy and I went out for a dinner date on Friday night. (I’ve always wanted to say that, casually, you know… “oh we went on a date”, blah blah, so blasé, like in the moooovies!) It wasn’t for any particular, specified reason – we just both felt like it. It kinda seemed as if we were celebrating something, but I’m not too sure what. Although earlier last week marked the precise date of two years since we met, and in a couple of weeks’ time will be our “6-months” mark… and all of that sounds terribly cheesy and overtly sentimental, but my gosh I’m such a sentimental person. For some very hard-to-explain reasons, the whole “a year/two years since we met” business means a lot to both of us, in the break-your-heart-then-mend-it kind of way, and it’s about the only time I’ve ever seen anyone more sentimental than I, remembering a date better than I.

We went to Sale St and it was amazing. Even though it was really busy and full of lots of people just going out for a drink rather than a meal, it still felt awfully intimate like we were in our own bubble, and everything got slowed down and slightly muted when they came too close. We also did some spying and live commentary of a couple who really sucked – they looked like they were cosying up at first, but then the girl was really keen and the guy looked like he wasn’t feeling it, it was awkward and awful and such a laugh, most especially when they were then joined by three female friends! The only bummer of the evening was the fact that I had actually taken a little camera with me, but then discovered that it didn’t have a memory card, dammit! So you’ll just have to take my word for it that we’re a killer couple, especially when we go out in our leathers and I even wore what Cara calls my “fuck-me boots”. Tasteful ones, of course.

I wrote something earlier this evening and then decided that the things I write would make a nice love-letter-esque collection. If only there was a market for these things, and if I was even willing to sell my inner-most vulnerable self. People, it frustrates me to not know what to do with my writing! I wrote something last week that, according to the boy, sounds like an excerpt out of a novel, but I have no idea what to do with it whatsoever. Actually, I just realised that whenever I publicise or share a piece of writing with anyone, I get a weird sensation akin to that of stepping on stage – like stage fright but in the form of words on paper. And because I never tend to edit my writing and keep it so raw – just like a performance, really… played once and left unchanged forever – it feels like I’m walking around fresh out of bed (if not naked), waiting to be told that all is okay; that there is indeed beauty in my raw, most pure form of self. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

And I don’t know who wrote this, but since I didn’t want to post my own writing today, I thought this was lovely:

“I don’t think there is a middle ground for love. Either we are dreaming, or we are drowning. I wouldn’t change a thing, because I’m either dreaming or drowning with you.”

Ohhh, and how could I forget – OH MY GOD HARRY POTTERRRRRRRR. Childhood’s momentary revival is gone once again. AHHHHHH. That is all.

down to the beauty that you see, Think of me

Rummaging around on the internet this evening, reading random things, looking at pictures, listening to a lot of new music, generally being inspired… and this is the quote I read that stuck out the most to me:

“I feel that art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm. I think that art has something to do with an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction.” – Saul Bellow

Double exposure photo of the boy and I; Taken on Ilford HP5 Plus 400 B/W film; Nikon F3. A photo I had used in the exhibition.

I’ve never read anything of Bellow’s, but that was so eloquently and perfectly put that I know I will eventually have to hunt down something of his to read. I know I spend too much time dwelling on art, and the whole “art for art’s sake” thing, but stumbling upon something amazing once in a rare while is what makes it all seem to make sense and worth it in the end. The feeling of “stillness in the midst of chaos” and “an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction” is exactly how I feel like when I write, or photograph. Or the even rarer occasion during a jazz performance where I feel like I am perfectly static and calm even as the song moves past me, with me… that frozen moment where I feel the stillness enough to acknowledge the occasional brilliant note choices that happen.

I was txting the boy about a self portrait that I need his help to take sometime in summer (because it’s temperature dependent…), and he asked why. Fair question, but it’s a question that I’m always rather afraid of, on some level. Reason being, self portraits are so damn self-indulgent. That’s why they’re called self portraits, not just a portrait on its own. I’m sure I could pass off many things as photos other people might’ve taken, but there’s also a weird joy in taking self portraits. I’d rather not discuss the finer details to this particular potential-self-portrait, but mainly it made me reflect on my motives once again. I want to immortalise what is mortal. The me today will resemble the me tomorrow or me next week, but I will not be 100% the same. So it is with this self-indulgent motive in mind that I would like to immortalise my “self” now and then. Even if it seems rather vain and completely superficial to most people, I know and feel that whenever I’d taken self portraits in the past that some piece of my then-spirit was captured. What I wore, what I looked like, how I held myself, the look in my eyes… that sort of thing just can’t be claimed back.

A couple of evenings ago the boy and I went to Cassette #9 with some friends. It was funny because his younger sister was also there, and a friend of mine got into a fight with the boy’s friend. They dissed each other pretty bad, much to the amusement of us. I had told the dude earlier in the night that he’d have much better luck with the ladies had he worn a collared shirt rather than the tight t-shirt he was clad in. He disagreed. Then I was joking to my friend who only stopped by to say hi as to whether she has any single friends for him… she proceeded to (drunkenly) tell him how his shirt looks pretty gay, and had he worn a collared shirt she would definitely have hookups for him. Oh dear. The comeback was “if you were hot I would hook up with you”, followed by a drink thrown in his face. Eventful indeed. It was just weird going back to Cassette after all this time, for once not single, and for once with the boy when so much drama has happened there in the past. Ironically, it was the first bar we ever went to together two years ago. And how scary time flies, it will be two years to the day we met, next week.

For when…

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