I’m goin back home to the west coast, I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase

*I wrote this entry, and then wished that I had written it from the bottom upwards. But it’s 2.36am so I can’t be bothered with rearranging and editing so that it still makes sense… just scroll and scroll and scroll… at least it gets happier as my thoughts run on?*

Yesterday my younger sister departed Auckland after 3 weeks of holidaying back home with us, and I really, really miss her already. The airport was in a state of chaos yesterday – I know most airports are, but the hectic state in which the Auckland International Airport was in yesterday, was above and beyond anything I’d ever seen in NZ before. Firstly, it took us forever to find a spot to park our car , almost akin to that of shopping malls in the pre-Christmas rush. This never happens here! We had admittedly gotten to the airport on the late rather than earlier side of things, but still well on time… except somehow the queue dragged and dragged, and eventually we were told that some system required for travelers to the states was down, and things had to get authorised by the US first, before they were allowed to manually enter something or another. After over two hours of hovering around, Liv finally managed to check in – officially the last person to do so… well after her “last boarding call” as well as flight time! Obviously the plane would have been delayed by then, in order for her to board, but the announcements of gate closure and the whole “final boarding call” thing really didn’t help us with our stress. But funnily enough (and I love her for this), Liv’s biggest concern for mum and I was the rate at which our expensive airport parking was ticking up at. It was evidently the least of our concerns by then!

I’ve always hated airports, except when I’m picking up someone. Because, frankly, who likes to see loved ones depart, regardless of the reason? And if they’re not a loved one, then I certainly wouldn’t be seeing them off an an airport, unless I was doing a favour to someone by dropping them off. It took every mature ounce of self control in me that I could muster yesterday to not let tears roll down my cheeks – after all, Liv is simply going back to Malibu to resume her study and golfing, but I couldn’t help but feel left behind – like I’m missing out on precious sister time with her whilst we’re still young. It certainly wasn’t easy the first time round when she first left in August, but it hasn’t gotten any easier now, seeing her off for her second semester

I wonder if saying goodbye to people gets easier for anyone else?

Goodbyes are my biggest weakness. In mandarin, “goodbye” is translated literally as “again” and “meet”; so my grandma has always said if there was no parting, there wouldn’t be the joy of reunion. In a way, this is perhaps the only thing that keeps me afloat when I think I can’t handle saying goodbye. Writing this now just makes me miss not only my sister but my grandma. I wish I could put into words all the things I’d like to say to her. She was such an influence on me as a young child, and I know a lot of is has carried over – such as my love of words, reading, writing, literature in general, and quotes and the art of chinese proverbs (which I really need to work on). Perhaps a story and tangent for another day…

Here’s a song that Liv and I have been listening to repeatedly for the last day she was here: “West Coast” by Coconut Records. The lyrics are oh-so-appropriate, and the song is really cute:

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you’re still around
And i miss you
I’m going back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I’m goin back home to the west coast

The bright side to this entry is the fact that I’ve finally gotten my developed films back! I took a couple of rolls of Ilford black and white film in LA and San Francisco, and I’ve uploaded them all to my photography site, so click here for the full set. Seeing these just makes me 1/ really, really want to go traveling again; 2/ not regret having killed my left shoulder by carrying a fiml slr as well as a dslr around everywhere in a bag; 3/ miss using b/w film, and wish that film development wasn’t such a hassle (I had these mailed back to Taiwan for processing as it was far, far, far cheaper, even with postage fees).  Here are some of my personal favourites:

I remember how excited I was on the plane when I took this… and how I wondered as to how good this photo, and the trip would turn out to be.

Powell Street in San Francisco, at the bottom of one of the cable car lines. I love love LOVE this city.

How amazing is this music store?! It was completely filled with 2nd hand music equipment. Found in North Beach.

Golden Gate Bridge, of course. With an Amanda-spin.

Under the in famous bridge.

It took me ages to get this shot – I had to time it so that the people all around me all sat down or ducked down at the same time!

View from inside the cable car.

Palace of Fine Arts.

Post office in Hollywood.

Window of Urban Outfitters, Cahuenga Blvd.

On the way up to the Getty Centre.

Getty Centre after dark with long shutter exposure. No one dared to walk in front of me and my camera – I had to ask them to please proceed!

I admittedly stalked down a few (hopefully unsuspecting) people to get some photos…

Like this.

Self portrait in a series of mirrors at the souvenir store. It’s also my first facebook profile picture change in a year!

Oh yeah, before I forget, one nice thing came of the long and arduous wait in the airport check-in queues – we passed a lot of the time chatting to a cellist who studies in Lansing, Michigan. The guy was super nice and relatable to talk to (not to mention a bit cute, shhh); turns out he’s actually pretty amazing, according to not only the internet, but youtube results. I’d always said… in another life, if I were to be a classical musician, I would totally pick the cello.

So cheers to yet another chance encounter with someone who shone a bit of light on my day and also a little on my dreams. Sometimes it’s nice to have the world seem a little smaller.

The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus. Steer on to freedom… Open all the boxes. Open all the boxes.

Pictures speak louder than words, so this post is purely dedicated to a compilation of 50 photos that my mother, sister and I have taken over the past three days.

We took a trip up north to Paihia in the Bay of Islands with some friends, and had an absolute blast, staying at a house right on the waterfront which had spectacular views. I can’t believe that I personally didn’t take any more photos (thus compiling mum and Liv’s photos too, because we all lounged around and did some things together, but some things apart), but it just goes to show how much fun in the sun and relaxing downtime I’ve been having! We swam (out to a post, twice), sunbathed, played poker, had Boston Legal marathons, sang along to songs in the car, drank beer, took bubble baths and ate far, far too much:

There was a huge cruise ship not too far offshore.

Reflected view from my bedroom window, with Liv in the corner.

View from the house.

Interior.

Lottie on our bed with the ranch slider wide open, basking in the view and breeze.

From the outside.

Super Liquor was right across the road! But we didn’t need it, haha.

Mum took this from across the road in the house, when we were heading out to the beach.

Me and my new American flag towel.

Beach!

I didn’t know my sister had taken this until I scoured through her memory card. What a pervert.

Lo and I. I know, I keep calling her a variation of things, but in my head she is a mix between Charlotte, Char, Lottie, and ultimately Lo from “Charlo” (which is what I type into “recipients” when I txt her).

My feeet.

Second floor view from the house.

Massive kitchen!

Japanese noodles.

Lottie wanting to nick off with my blanket and replacing our cat as the ginger tucked in my blanket whilst on holiday. Adorabubbly-cute, haha.

My risotto in progress.

Final product = risotto with mushroom, onions and chicken. My dinner and everyone else’s late night supper… I accidentally took a reeeaaally long nap, you see.

Meal complete with a CC & Dry, of course.

Mum and her Japanese friends all gave my risotto rave reviews, yay!

Lounge.

The house.

These sunset photos were taken by my mum – when I look at her photos, I can really see where she has inadvertently influenced me in style and composition over the years, without really ever properly “teaching” me anything specifically. She never told me how to compose my photos or how to take them in the first place because she didn’t want to restrict my view… but I guess some things just rub off over time, haha. But I’m glad it did.

In a way, I’m relieved I missed out on taking a drive out with mum and her friends to see the sunset, otherwise I would’ve had an internal struggle with my obsession to photograph everything, versus just taking life in through my eyes, not lens.

The spa that we had for a bath.

Lo blowing some bubble love my way.

Once we turned the jets on, the bubbles boiled over like crazy!

View from the house.

We stopped over at Matakana on the way home so that I could quench my cravings for the delicious ice cream and sorbet there. That, and we needed the girls’ room.

Blueberry sorbet and Chocolate ice cream. I LOVE CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. It’s my top flavour of choice, I get it 99% of the time – but I knew the sorbet there was amazing so I couldn’t miss out… The girl at the store accidentally gave me blueberry ice cream instead of sorbet at first, so that’s what that glob of purple is, in between the two scoops.

I recommend their ice cream and sorbet, but I fucking hate their stupid queuing/ordering system and their customer service isn’t too hot either. That, and I was super glad the girl with short hair who kept touching her hair whilst scooping ice creams didn’t scoop my ice cream.

KILLER EELS?!?!!!!

The odd tree and the car parked in front of us.

Liv took these as we were crossing the harbour bridge, heading home.

There’s me driving with my left hand and red nails.

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I’m gonna meet you on the astral plane, The astral plane or I’ll go insane

I’ve never been huge on dogs, mostly because I was bitten by a huge one (unprovoked!) as a kid, and I still have the scar to show for it. But lately, I keep finding dogs really cute, and even entertain the idea of having one in the far off future. Maybe. I’m not a leopard, so I can change my spots.

Yesterday we went over to an old family friends’ place for a barbecue, where Liv and I visited our old pal, a cute dog called Penny. He’s only a couple of years younger than Liv, which makes him ancient in dog years, and it was very visible from the way he had difficulty walking, as well as his overall laziness. It just made me so, so sad, and dread the day where our cat gets that old too… I remember when he used to be such an energetic little dog that we couldn’t calm down and he would run and yap and yelp all the time – where as now we had trouble attracting his attention, even with food! Anyway, here’s Penny in all his cute glory, my oldest friend in New Zealand.

Of course, I couldn’t do a dog post without posting our cute cat as well. A couple of hours ago, we found him curled up in Liv’s suitcase and we immediately gushed over his cuteness and whipped our cameras out. However, by the time my sister’s rear end got our of my way for me to snap a few of him, she had already pissed him off thoroughly – with constant flashing in his eyes and calling his name – that he simply wasn’t in a cutesy sleepy mood anymore, and was just purely unimpressed. Luckily for him, I don’t use flash. We’re going on a little trip up north for a couple of nights, so this affectionate chappy will hopefully not miss us tooo much!

On late nights like these where I sit here or in bed and write and write, I wonder if I should be doing something more productive such as sleeping. I love sleeping, but evidently never in the “correct” hours of the day. I glance at the time and tell myself “you’ll regret this tomorrow”, and I mostly do, but there is something just so satisfying with having this time to myself. As if not only the whole house (yes, cat included), but the whole world was asleep, and this time was just between me and my mind. Asides from feeling the most creative or mentally productive at these hours, I’m also often the most upset and depressed. It’s when my problems I can distract myself from all day can no longer escape my consciousness. So I transcribe such things into words. And wonder to myself – is this stuff ever worth reading?

I finally grew a little bit of courage and started the momentous task of writing a novella/novel-type thing. The main problem I have is, I’m not sure how to set the timeline and in which order to do it, because it’s like a back and forth flashback/present-day thing. Why couldn’t I have made this easier for myself?! Hopefully spending the next couple of days away in the countryside relaxing on the beach will suss my mind out. I take and handle things too personally.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” e. e. cummings

And a young man’s gonna make mistakes, til he hits the brakes

“By the time a person has achieved years adequate for choosing a direction, the die is cast and the moment has long since passed which determined the future.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

I think it’s safe to say that I certainly do not live my life in a very safe manner. Wait, that sentence just sounded retarded. But it makes perfect literal sense in terms of what I’m saying. It’s true – I take a lot of risks, some calculated, but more often than not, I ignore such “calculations” and stick with what I want to do/think I should do/think I can get away with. The latter which sounds absolutely terrible, although thus far I have turned out quite “alright”. Point is, I wholeheartedly agree with the above quote, and I am living my life and making my “big decisions” as I see fit – not in the most “sensible” and “safe” manner at all. Instead, doing what I think will lead to where I’d like to be. I think that if I can’t dream big and try to fly towards such dreams up in the clouds at age 19, then there will be no more-appropriate time to do so.

I’m beyond grateful and appreciative towards my parents’ encouragement and support of me, even in times when they disagree with my decisions; I know there are many, many parents out there who simply do not provide such freedom and constant support towards their children. I’ve noticed (and mum’s also told me) that people are either in positive awe of how brilliant it is, or in absolute shock and horror towards my parents with regards to the fact that my sister and I pursue such “unconventional” pathways – and all with their full backing and support! Other parents that my family knows have either high-5’d us for sticking to our guns and going for it, or have taken it upon themselves to try and convince me that music is a stupid course of study that will lead to nowhere, and no career. They’d list all the reasons why I should study law or whatever instead (this is back at high school when I hadn’t decided on my university degree yet), and how I should just keep music as a hobby, etc. It’s as if the decision is so fucking obvious that only an outright idiot would choose otherwise. Even though I am always polite and try to deflect and then divert such conversations, it always maddens me, right to the very core. I just want to say who the hell do you think you are?! Don’t treat me like a fucking idiot; you say that as if I hadn’t thought of all of the above already, etc. Anyway, I don’t even know how that train of thought got here, because then I got distracted and have been reading something completely irrelevant for the past half an hour. Point is, I’m glad I still have a lot of things that I look forward to, because of the path I’ve chosen. Rather than having chosen one which I dread to face the end of.

Yesterday, with just a towel-bag of essentials, I set off for a very long drive out to a friend’s family house, south-west of mine. The weather hovered from very cloudy, sunny, and then cloudy, spitting rain, sunny, then back to the clouds and eventually decent rainfall. Photographically equipped with only a Canon point-and-shoot in the back pocket of my denim cut-offs, I didn’t take that many photos. The countryside experience is more about the intertwined smell of freshness, cow dung and grass in the air, the bugs that crawl on you, and the thorns, sand and mud on your feet. All in all it made for an interesting day – most certainly a very adventurous drive as I wasn’t quite sure where I was going to end up – with great company, great conversation, great food and great fun. In other words, a bloody great day:

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

This is the jewellery post that’s been requested a few times… and now you can see why I’ve procrastinated from it.

The days are so happy, the air so warm, my mind is so alive but I keep listening to broken songs. The prose and poetry I keep scribbling in notebooks or drafting but not publishing on my blog are all so full of achiness. Not outright pain, no longer sorrowful, but some sort of deep-reaching ache like that of an old sporting injury that never fully recovered… which you completely forget about until you try to exercise that particular region and suddenly you tense up a little and find no solid strength that you can rely on.

I’m taking a really long drive out to the countryside to a friend’s house tomorrow, so that should inject me with some more positivity and creativity as well as a splash of saltwater and sunshine. Although chances are, knowing myself, I can still derive some other kind of ache to write about late into the night after that, I’m sure.

Anyway, here is the jewellery post that has been requested a few times now. It’s not my entire collection, but its the pieces that are frequently gracing my limbs or are of some kind of special value:

This is the chain that I got for Christmas on which I soldered my charms on today. I had been so careful to not burn my hands a second day in a row, but my sister startled me at one point and I burnt my knee instead. That’s two blistering burns in two days. The really painful background to this bracelet is that earlier this year (I don’t want to go into details again or I might cry), following some unfortunate series of events, I ended up losing my silver charm bracelet which my parents gave me on my tenth birthday. I had been collecting charms on it annually ever since, so I was so shattered when it got lost in rather unexplainable circumstances. Ever since, mum and I have been slowly buying back the same old charms, as well as new ones. I know it’s never going to be the same, but I guess I could think of this as the chain with my adult life on it, rather than childhood. I am the most sentimental person ever, and for better or for worse, I attach a lot of emotions onto possessions, so it seriously felt like I lost my childhood.

It was really hard to photograph all the charms clearly without being really anal about it, so I just couldn’t be bothered and will make a list instead. So far these are the charms I’ve got on the bracelet above, from left to right: Bell – which is a replica of what I got for my 18th birthday, mum’s intentions were that it signified or heralded me into adulthood… Kangaroo bought at the Blue Mountains in Australia; Cable Car I got from San Francisco; State of California (it’s at a funny angle in the picture) from my trip; Mickey Mouse from Disneyland; Spider which was originally from when I was 13; Bear which mum bought me from Yosemite National Park in America; Car for my 17th birthday when I was involved in a car crash and needed a car; Ballerina for my 12th birthday; Quavers and Treble clef originally for my 11th birthday.

I don’t know how I remember all that, but somehow I do – which just truly reflects how attached I was to my bracelet, I guess. It’s like I have to buy all my years back, in the form of a little piece of metal – which I know sounds retarded… but. Every time I think about it – such as now – I seriously feel my eyes well up in a gush of frustration and anger especially at self, with “what if”s and “if I could have changed my actions and reactions” that night. I need to let go.

This picture shows some of my favourite silverware. The write cuff at the back with the turkey stone is actually my mother’s – I just kind of have it on loan from her. She had it custom made for her when she was about my age as she couldn’t find any jewellery that fits her very small wrist. Nowadays, we have yet to find someone other than us two who can comfortably fit it. The turquoise bracelet is a high school graduation gift from mum and the key attached to the side of it is a charm from my sister. It’s not very visible here, but the silver bracelet in the foreground features a heart-shaped clip at the front. I got this for my 19th birthday, and I was supposed to put my aforementioned charms on this one, but I decided not to in the end. The bracelet on top of that is a Pandora bracelet that I got for my 18th birthday. The charms aren’t very clear here, but they are placed in the order which I got them: Rabbit, Mother of Pearl Hearts & Hedgehog from my mum. She was born in the year of the rabbit, and as for the hedgehog, we have an inside joke/nickname between us from when I was younger – she’d tell me I’d be nasty and prickly like a hedgehog whenever I got angry, and so it kinda reads like rabbit loves hedgehog/hedgehog loves rabbit. Just some cute, sweet mother-and-daughter thing I guess, haha.

Next to that I got a Suitcase charm from an old friend, signifying all the places I want to, and will embark on traveling to; the next two are from a handful of friends – a Four-Leafed Clover and a pair of Quavers – all were for my 18th birthday. The last two were from this year – a friendship knot from my friend Cara for my 19th, and a Kangaroo from dad when we went to Australia earlier this year.

The two rings were both self-bought in Taipei earlier this year as well, on separate occasions. The funny thing about this set of jewellery is that I often like to wear these turquoise pieces with my aqua Dr Martens because they’re the same colour!

This is just a bunch of my other bits of silverware. As you can see, I have a preference for silver, and I’m not really into gold. In fact, I don’t think I photographed any gold pieces I have, because I never wear them. The half-heart necklace on the right hand side has my sister’s name, Liv engraved on it, and she has the other half with my name. Mum bought these as Christmas presents for us last year, signifying the two pieces of her heart… Christmas was a bit of an emotional time for us in 2009 because we weren’t sure whether or not my sister would be home for Christmas this year (turns out she is though, but won’t be in 2011). I had worn it every single day since last Christmas, until November… (see below)

The necklace to the left of that was bought at Kinkaku-ji (a.k.a. Temple of the Golden Pavilion) in Kyoto when I went there in February. The huge chunky bracelet in the middle is from a Charlie Brown boutique in Sydney. On the far left is a feather pendant which I wear on a silver chain around my neck. Someone on formspring asked me why I wanted a feather tattoo, which is for the same reason that I have this necklace: the Chinese character for feather is part of my name, and also bares a lot of meanings, symbolism and connotations.

Here are some of the rings that have rotated as favourites of mine for the past few years. The middle one is from Disneyland; the 2nd one from the left is from Japan; 2 to the right of it was bought at the same time as a ring for a very old friend, years and years ago. The ring with the longest history out of this bunch is the band that is 2nd from the right – it dates back to the summer of 2005 when a bunch of mates and I were at the mall, and the boys found it. We all wrangled over it for ages, and took turns keeping it, but somehow I’ve hogged it ever since, haha.

This is by far the prettiest necklace that I own, and its entanglement and stranglehold of my neck was the only reason that I took off my aforementioned half-heart necklace (which my sister wears the other half of) back in November. Liv and I were shopping in Santa Monica and it was love at first sight when I laid eyes on it. Liv was quite taken with it too, but after seeing the little matching heart piece which dangles down the back of my neck when worn, she immediately insisted that it was stunning and that I had to buy it. Ironically she ended up paying for it, and the dress I bought from that store, yay. What I love about it most is how it sparkles in the sunlight… Oh take me back to our afternoon in Santa Monica under the Californian sun…

These are longer necklaces which I like to wear with loose shirts, and a lot of black. The key on the left is the backdoor key to my friend’s old house at which he no longer resides. It hangs off a piece of Kangaroo leather which I bought in Brisbane in 2008. The bullet casing in the middle is indeed a real one, from a friend who does rifle shooting. I’ve often forgotten I was wearing it whilst traveling and worry about it being confiscated at customs. For some reason I always fail metal detectors and even hand metal detectors several times; and my luggage has to get x-rayed over and over, so this doesn’t really help… I made it into a necklace using the chain and ring of an old necklace that had a broken pendant. The hourglass necklace does indeed work, and I bought this at Wasteland on Melrose Ave in LA last month.

The necklace on the left is something that I only ever wear when I’m wearing some nice dress for a fancy ish dinner or something. It looks kinda shit in the photo but based on several compliments about it, I’d have to say it actually looks pretty fancy and expensive in real life. Ironically, I bought it for $5 from Bling when it was shutting down at Botany at the end of 2008, I think. The necklace to the left of it is from the Free People boutique on Cahuenga Blvd, in Hollywood. The left two necklaces were made by me about a week and a half ago, as seen in this post.

Just a bunch of slightly quirky bracelets over the years, the newest addition being the rain and umbrella bracelet at the bottom, which I got for Christmas. See, it is really a widely known fact that I love the rain. The bracelet above that as well as the top two red and blues ones were from Aotea Square market years and years ago, all on separate occasions. The black one is a mass of dagger-like hearts. The fine silver thing above that is actually an anklet, which I don’t wear much because the bells get really loud and I feel as if I sound like a belly dancer when I walk around… The pretty flower bracelet in the middle is a handmade gift from a Japanese friend, from back in 2004, I think.

This is what I wear on my right ear. That’s one earring, looped through the three lobe piercings I have. I didn’t take a picture of the left ear, just in case newly-pierced industrial piercing (which I only got only last month, in Hollywood) was crusty or something… up close is not a good view. I just usually wear plain silver studs on the lobes, and occasionally a single, dangling earring. I’ve actually got quite a collection of quirky earrings, but I hardly ever wear them, so I couldn’t be bothered posting them today.

Wrist candy from this year. I love watches. At one point in time before I cared about comfort whilst bass-playing, I wore three, large-faced watches – each telling the time of a different time zone that was relevant to my family.

So there it is… the heavy metal that adorns me often. I didn’t really want to do this post for ages, because for one, look! It’s turned out fucking huge… since I can’t do something without going into details! and two, it just looks like a narcissistic showy post. But oh whatever, I’d waited until I got a fair few requests for it, so for once I am satisfying someone out there with a blog post haha! As if that’s normal for me.

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