I’m trying to put this thing to bed, I’ve drugged it in its sleep. There aren’t many memories I’m comfortable to keep

The painting that I had started in this post last month was finished quite a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to post the final product, until a friend reminded me about it just before. I couldn’t figure out the best quick and easy way to photograph the painting, because of the gold paint that I had used – it looks different depending on which angle and lighting you see it at. I didn’t think much about what I was doing when I was slopping layers after layers of paint onto canvas, but in hindsight there is so much about it that I could analyse about myself. This fact scares me a little. I hadn’t painted in yeeears, and I rather miss it; although back in the day I used to do more realistic, rather than abstract and erratic stuff.

I compiled the following playlist with a lot of emotion, and very lack of thought. I say lack of thought because at first glance it will seem completely uncohesive and probably make little sense to you, but I hope that the tracks get listened to. I literally didn’t “think” about what songs I wanted on this playlist, I just chose song after song, and dug up links for them. But once again, in hindsight, there is so much that one could read into my song choices. They all have relevant themes, lyrics and feel. For example, I just noticed that there are several songs on here that are quite long – there are 5 songs that are longer than 6 minutes, the longest being over 8 minutes. The songs are all either very old or very new loves of mine, and each song just feels… relevant. I wish I had a better word to describe this playlist, but maybe the best I can say is that it is very “right now, this moment, this evening” for me.

Click on the bold titles for youtube links of the tracks:

1. In Particular – Blonde Redhead
After a night’s marathon of listening to them, I’ve finally fallen in love. “Such a good band to escape into.”

2. Howlin’ For You – The Black Keys
Looking forward to seeing these guys in 5 days’ time! Their set should be super tight.

3. Hero – Regina Spektor
Hearing this song reenacts the scene from 500 Days of Summer in my head… of heartbreak.

4. Alabaster – Foals
Song from an amazing album, where everything just builds and builds so nicely. Layers. I love layers, and by that I mean I love layers in everything – music, paint, writing plots and subplots, the undertows of character, clothing… I could go on forever.

5. My Same – Adele
Oh, how this feels! I love the crispy accompaniment in this song as well… the tone of that guitar and subtle but precise, driving bass.

6. Tourist – Athlete
This song reminds me of my friend Sinead – she was the one who got me into this band, and this song in particular. Listened to it today, and just… its relevance is killing me.

7. Bees – Warpaint
One of my most listened-to tracks since Boxing Day. I could loop this and its precursor (Undertow) on their album over and over and over and over.

8. Only In Dreams – Weezer
I’ve finally stopped repeating this song obsessively, but last month I gave it a good enough run for a lifetime. I’m not a Weezer fanatic, but this is one song I love. I half wrote a song based on a tangent of this idea…

9. Belief – John Mayer
Something about this guitar line, so simple, but I really like it…

10. But Not For Me – Chet Baker
Unfortunately, this isn’t the same version as the one that I’ve got, which has a very speedy bass solo on it, woah.

11. Sister – Sufjan Stevens
Need to buy our tickets, but I am seeing this man perform next month in Wellington. The lyrical guitar just gets me, every time. From my favourite album of his, Seven Swans.

12. Here In My Room – Incubus
Everything about this song is beautiful – I’m a huge fan of Brandon Boyd’s lyrics.

13. The Lost Art of Keeping A Secret – Queens of the Stone Age
I need to fish together roughly $85 to see these guys next month, ahhh! Not used to paying for gigs again.

14. I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab For Cutie
The long build up makes it worth it. In my opinion it reflects precisely what the song is on about.

15. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead – Stars
For F.M.D., because we both know what it feels like.

16. When You Sleep – My Bloody Valentine
I will never forget the day I was introduced to this band and Loveless. So fucking ironic. LOVELESS.

17. Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
Can’t believe they played this at a club last night. Danced/moshed/headbanged to this like the 15 year old I once was, except this time I was wearing rather high heels. This song was far more amazing when I saw it live though, of course – as opposed to in some basement club where sweat is dripping off the ceiling and we have to fend boys off with a stick.

I wish I could stop using this word in this post already, but even the post title is spot-on relevant. A lot of friends of mine don’t understand why I blog, and et cetera sort of questions surrounding the practice of blogging. Ironically, this blog documents my life better than my notebooks, in which I do scribble about “major events” and the odd mundane, daily happenings – but mostly I only ever craft in ink things that are nonsensical, lyrical, extremely painful, descriptive, or all of the above. And that’s why I’m saying this here, rather in some “diary” of sorts, which I don’t actually keep, because – this is it.

A couple of nights ago I had a huge emotional epiphany. It’s far too long of a story to even begin to explain, but I feel fucking great for finally having years and years’ worth of mostly self-inflicted emotional burden and pain lifted off me. Surely I’m not the only person in the world to have been so in love with an idea that you toy with it, torture yourself with it, lay it to rest and then wake it back up, repeatedly, until you can’t tell fact from fiction? And some days, you get a glimpse of the reality that you can see in the mirror, minus all the imaginary artifacts you’ve built around you… but you simply deny such insight as merely doubt. Why is it that we never want to see what we’re blindly in love with, for what it truly is? Something intangible that you concoct excuses for in your head. Largely a figment of your imagination that is based on only a mere strand of truth and reality.

So, reality, here I am. At last. I’ve unloaded a pile of the past, and now I have to deal with the present. I’m not sure I like how this feels right now, because everything I deal with is suddenly so much more tangible than everything else I’ve been living in my head. But it’s for this precise reason that I need to have moved on – the present affects the future, and this is the one aspect of my life that has had the most dire outlook. I can’t remain the madwoman that I’ve been for years, because “to repeat the same action over and over and expect different results is the very definition of madness”, and it’s a rather stupid and self-deprecating process to keep repeating, to be honest.

The problem is, all of the above sounds like a really fine and dandy conclusion to have drawn, to date – but now I don’t know what choices I want to make from this point forth. I am forever a slave to indecisiveness, and wanting to have the best of both worlds. The ironic thing is, one could say “both these worlds you’re choosing between are highly flawed, you deserve better, keep waiting for a new option” – but that’s not really living in the right now, in the today… and we all know that living in the moment is something I’m notorious for. Even when I was overshadowed by the past, and the idea of the resurrection of the past, I still lived too much in the moment, without thought.

What to do?! There isn’t really a right or wrong. Ultimately, I just feel like I’m being too selfish right now.

say it anyway, I would say, wait for me

It feels like the dates of December have blurred into some form of collective humidity. November in California seems like light years ago. I’ve been too distracted in this gallivant lifestyle lately that I can’t seem to do more than three productive things in one day. But today I read somewhere whilst Christmas shopping that, “life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself” – an anonymous quote that just rang so loud in my head I couldn’t shake it off. So I’m glad that in about 15 hours’ time I will be having a jam with a man and his guitar, to hopefully put some music to lyrics I wrote some days ago:

If walking away was so easy,
Then why can’t we all?
What is this magnetism,
What is this draw?

Just because it’s there
Doesn’t mean you should
Just because I let you,
Didn’t mean you would.

Wandering through, your unknown house,
Learning your room, like I’m learning you.

If time was so infallible,
Then why can’t we count?
The moments are inconstant
And the moon isn’t round.

Just because you see it,
Doesn’t mean it’s there.
Just because I feel it,
Doesn’t mean you care.

Feeling up your walls, looking for the light switch,
Looking for my mind, afraid that I’m your kitsch.

When we walk so close together,
Something’s gotta give.
When you can’t move any closer,
Into me you start to drift.

It’s not about any one thing or person in particular, but rather like a snowball of how I feel, how people I know feel, and how it all somehow got magically regurgitated through this mind of mine. That sentence itself was like a snowball!

I’m going through one of those periods again where I feel like I am being too much of a Jane of all trades… If we set aside my old part-time cafe job, for the first time ever, I’ve made more money through my photographic work than playing music gigs. That said, the first year of jazz school and all the undesirables I went through this year has really shaken me from the core out. I’ve spent a lot of time on the road, on the plane, in the depths of the night with black ink trawling out from my fingertips, forming words and prose that didn’t exist on any conscious level until the moment they converged with paper. It’s hard to keep up all three outlets for me, balancing time, let alone all the mental factors – bass: practising jazz, refining my technique and writing music that spawns from some mysterious corner of my mind; photography: I’ve just not found the time to set up any of the photo shoots that I’ve plotted in my head, and have mostly just done spontaneous momentous work, which I must admit is my favourite; and writing… I’ve started up a couple of large-scale writing projects which are both hovering in my mind, with only a few pages of actual physical existence. This needs to change.

These photos are from the Viper Room where The Binges and Delilah played. Oh, Jamie Burke, what can I say? His London accent was like velvet to my ears during our far-too-short exchange. More will be uploaded soon, and I’ll be working on finishing my Californian journal.

Before I forget to mention it, one of my summer hockey teams (I play in four teams over two nights) is undefeated and we are playing in the finals on Wednesday night. Yay for a free meat pack to be devoured at a barbecue on Sunday! Yes, I’m already assuming we will hands down win. Hopefully I’ll get some satisfactory goals like I did last week.

Your eyes say the things you won’t

A couple of weeks ago I got hired to shoot a band that a couple of my mates from jazz school play in; ironically (although, kind of characteristic of me, I guess), my favourite shots aren’t the “picture-perfect” ones, and are instead the more experimental shots I took towards the end of the set. Some people might say that these are merely flukes, chance shots I got by fiddling with slow shutter speed or smaller apertures for bigger depth of field thus forcing longer exposure times – partly true – but I must say that these aren’t merely the result of “chance” and play. I’m not sure where my interest in trying out different effects spawned from, but I remember the first gig that I really tried this on was the Animal Collective show at the Powerstation at the end of last year, but I hadn’t really given it conscious thought much since then. If anything, I think the influence is mostly based on the idea of trying to capture a double-exposure-like effect on the digital medium, without the use of photoshop.

I’ve actually got a roll of film floating around in my room somewhere that I’d done some double exposure on, but I haven’t been bothered to get it processed yet. For one, the only place in town where I can get that type of film processed at isn’t anywhere near my daily commutes; not to mention it’s not cheap.

Anyway, here are the shots – I haven’t done much editing besides making them black and white. Just cos y’know, I’m not a big fan of this particular purpley-pink light they used on stage that night:

I should really get off the internet and work on my assessments now, but I’m way too good at procrastination. I have at least one assessment/test/assignment every week until October 29th. I can’t wait for that day – it will mean hell on earth is over, I am alive and that I will have completed 1/3 of my bachelor’s degree. Yes please.

Randomly though, whilst lyric-scribbling the other night, the line “Your eyes say the things you won’t” (title of this post) reminded me of Radiohead’s line from There There: “just because you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there”. Sometimes all the speculation and self-torture in the world means nothing without the validation from a particular, spectacular person. Sometimes I’d prefer all the airy-fairy things to end, and things to be black and white, but isn’t this part of the package of “Joys & Pains of Youth”? And just admit it, it’s not quite as lip-bitingly exciting and dramatic if things were spelled out to the letter. But all hail the mighty mighty, they are still right through and through when they say “we are accidents/waiting waiting to happen”.

The View From the Afternoon

I woke up extremely happy this morning. That is, asides from the fact that I’d only finally gotten to sleep after 3am due to the drunken imbeciles who decided to keep ringing me up and pay the tree in my front yard a very loud visit, because I refused to come out and say hi. You know who you are. GROW UP.

Anyway, rants aside yesterday was one of the best days that I’ve ever had – my 19th birthday is actually tomorrow (23rd), but Lottie decided to treat me to an early present of an afternoon to secret locations that’s kept me guessing for about a month – and we even ended up with our own stalking fan club of sparrows! (scroll below). The only hurdle that I had to conquer was a Jazz theory test at 10am; but at midday on the dot, I was greeted by a car of balloons and bangin’ tunes* right outside the KMC where my classes are. It was lucky that the only thing I’d had to eat all morning was a mere banana, because our first stop was the Sale Street bar for an amazing lunch and beer. By amazing I meant it not only quenched my thirst for Monteiths and imminent hunger, but made me extreeeemely bloated to the point of shameful shirt adjusting, and is probably the best beef burger that I’ve ever had. If only Burger Fuel were as generous with their aioli as this! Not only the beef, but also the pot of aioli had a melted layer of baked cheese over the top… I’m craving another one now, just thinking about it.

The waggu beef burger sounded so good on the menu that we both ordered the same thing. And buddy Monteiths beers – Original Ale and Radler. It’s a shame that it was so dark inside and I couldn’t get a picture of the interior – the decor’s amazing. That light in the distance behind Lottie’s head below is actually caged in a frame of cutlery!

Next stop was at the newly opened Topshop at the top floor of The Department Store that’s located on Auckland’s North Shore. I made sure to take physical proof to document Lottie’s first day driving across the Harbour Bridge and back! We were quite disappointed in how ridiculously small Topshop turned out to be; and the sales assistants kept slowly putting out new garments every 10 minutes or so, which made it really frustrating because it caused all the customers to turn into tactical operators, due to the limited amount of stock, especially in the most common sizes. I ended up buying a very versatile black skirt and black dress, which I’m sure I’ll wear soon (I’ve got plans for that dress…) and post.

Technically the weather was “shit”, in the sense that up until 4pm it was pouring with rain with no apparent end. The only problem with calling it “shit weather” is the fact that that is precisely my favourite weather. Ever. The only way it could’ve gotten better for me was if it developed into a thunder storm, complete with lightning displays, haha. The picture on the right below is actually out of chronological order, and was taken on the Harbour Bridge between 4-5pm… see the drastic change in Auckland weather?!

We paid the mall a visit, before heading over to a cafe that I don’t actually know the name of… but that’s probably a good thing otherwise I may shred their reputation based on the poor treatment that the waitress offered us: they had two sliding door entrances, and upon entry, we asked for a table, only to be greeted by a “wtf are you doing in here” glare, followed by “we’re actually closed and only doing takeaways, so you’ll have to enter from the other door”. What an mf-bitch. I would’ve been shot if I ever did that to a customer. (Off topic, but speaking of which, this is my FIRST weekend being cafe-job-less, YAY!)

Luckily, they had amazing ice cream – I’d chosen double chocolate (of course), and Lottie had tried peanut flavoured scoops… which I still think is a really bizarre flavour for ice cream. Creamiest, thickest chocolate flavour, ever.

The next thing we knew we had a couple of sparrows land on the windscreen wipers watching us eat. Joined by a couple more. And a couple more. We even had to wind our windows up because they began to hover at eye level, having a peek inside the car – as if to see whether it was safe to enter and nab some waffle cone! Craziest scene ever. 30 minutes and a lot of bird poop later, we called it a day and tried to beat the traffic back East.

Spent the rest of the night curled up in Lottie’s bed with girly indulgences such as magazines, Skins on dvd, web-scouring, chocolate slice and and and CC & DRY, yay!

This is going to make it hard for me to come up with something for Lottie’s birthday in 5 months…

And now it’s time for me to sulk about the amount of jazz I need to work on for my assessments this week, next week, and the week after… and the fact that it’s my last day being 18. I am soooo not ready to be in my last year of being a teenager.

One last thing: I found this online the other night. It is SO TRUE.

Make that two last things: I was ecstatic to get home at around midnight to discover that Euan and bought me a No Wow album with a limited edition documentary and live footage of The Kills. AND compiled me a usb full of live footage, because he initially thought he couldn’t get hold of the dvd. Haha. Double score.

Perhaps fuck off might be too kind

I quit my job.

After a year and a half of weekendly hard work being enslaved to the picky customers of a busy cafe for 8 hours at a time, today was my second to last shift. Complying with the whole 2 weeks’ notice thing, I still have to somehow survive one last shift next Saturday – and I’m afraid it will probably be the longest, ever.

I’ve noticed over the past couple of years that I’ve sometimes got a problem with authority figures. No. Let me rephrase that. I’ve got a big problem with people who are in a ‘position of authority’, but are either unqualified, hypocritical, disrespectful, unprofessional, or all of the above, and much worse. And the people I work with are exactly that.

Earlier, I was tempted to go into a full, blow-by-blow account of all the reasons and awful situations I’ve been put in at work, but I’m just not in the mood right now.

In a vain attempt to cheer up and humour myself, I aimed my webcam and its effect at my cat. I don’t think he was particularly amused…

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