It’s not always easy, You gotta take the risk. But it’s better than living a life you miss

This is the longest time that I haven’t blogged for all summer, I believe. And this year’s Big Day Out is the first time I’ve been to where it got absolutely rained out. Remember how I mentioned in my last post that I was going to see The Black Keys? Well I bought my ticket a couple of days later, and then a couple of days following that, The Black Keys canceled.

Don’t get me started on how angry/distraught/disappointed I was. I felt thoroughly ripped off, because they were a large contributing factor to me forking out $158, since I wasn’t photographing the festival this year. How is stating “exhaustion” any reason to let your fans down? Whilst I feel sorry for them on one hand, I think it was really shitty of them to pull out literally days before the festival. Surely if they’re that tired, they would have been feeling that way for quite a while now? I think the one good thing that came out of them pulling out was the fact that then I didn’t have a huge dilemma as to how I was going to make it from the front of one stage to the other in record time. There were so many clashes that I didn’t end up seeing Crystal Castles, but that was okay by me.

I ended up going the bogan route, back to my roots. Seeing Steriogram bright and early brought back memories of the last time that I saw them live, which was at around age 14 or 15. Aside from the slight detour to Bang Bang Eche and Ratatat, the rest of the lineup that I saw was was pretty streamlined: Deftones, Wolfmother, Shihad, Rammstein and Grinderman. Had to stand through the sets of Airbourne (crazy frontman stunt with climbing, climbing, climbing…), Lupe Fiasco (sound failure x3? Lost count), John Butler Trio and Iggy & The Stooges, which were all on the stage next to the one where I was situated nicely in the 2nd row.

I’m too lazy to recount everything, but here are some high and lowlights:

– Ratatat opened with my favourite song, “Loud Pipes”

– Later on in their set, I yelled out “PLAY DRUUUUUUGS!” – which caused a few raised eyebrows around me, because I swear most of the people around here don’t really know who they are/aren’t that into them – and they played it, fuckyeah. I’d say it was more of a psychic thing (likened to when I called out “BRIANSTORM!” at Arctic Monkeys and they played it), rather than the fact that they heard me, haha.

– Rammstein’s pyrotechnics was AMAZING. Being in the 2nd row, I could feel the heat heat heat. I’ve never seen such a perfectly-timed display before. The only, only thing that was mismatched was the final drum cymbal crash with the last set of ka-BANG!s – and he looked thoroughly disappointed with himself about it, too.

– Did I mention Rammstein’s costume’s were fucking ace as well? Seriously. Google up some pictures, people.

– There must be something in the air at BDO annually, because it’s probably the one day of the year where I get hit on enough to last a life time. My friend Dale asked if I ever got sick of it, ha. There are the nice guys who try to make conversation whilst we all wait between sets, and then there are the dickheads.

– Dickhead story: [“you keen for a root?” me: “sorry, what? I can’t hear you” dickhead: *repeats it louder*] x4. Then when he finally gave up and turned around, I flipped him the finger, much to the amusement of everyone around. Seriously, people! Grow a brain or at least fake some class!

– My Canon IXUS camera got broken when my friend dropped it. I feel bad for her. Very bad. So I didn’t really snap any photos. Not that I was going to bother too much, really. But there were a couple of things that I would’ve liked a shot of, from the perspective of a normal punter behind the barrier. Y’know, as a normal person.

Next Monday: LANEWAY FESTIVAL! Just you wait, there will be photos, photos and MORE PHOTOS of bands such as Warpaint, Blonde Redhead, !!!, Foals, Holy Fuck, etc. For now, I desperately need to tidy my room, tend to this sore throat of mine, and get some work done.

I’m trying to put this thing to bed, I’ve drugged it in its sleep. There aren’t many memories I’m comfortable to keep

The painting that I had started in this post last month was finished quite a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to post the final product, until a friend reminded me about it just before. I couldn’t figure out the best quick and easy way to photograph the painting, because of the gold paint that I had used – it looks different depending on which angle and lighting you see it at. I didn’t think much about what I was doing when I was slopping layers after layers of paint onto canvas, but in hindsight there is so much about it that I could analyse about myself. This fact scares me a little. I hadn’t painted in yeeears, and I rather miss it; although back in the day I used to do more realistic, rather than abstract and erratic stuff.

I compiled the following playlist with a lot of emotion, and very lack of thought. I say lack of thought because at first glance it will seem completely uncohesive and probably make little sense to you, but I hope that the tracks get listened to. I literally didn’t “think” about what songs I wanted on this playlist, I just chose song after song, and dug up links for them. But once again, in hindsight, there is so much that one could read into my song choices. They all have relevant themes, lyrics and feel. For example, I just noticed that there are several songs on here that are quite long – there are 5 songs that are longer than 6 minutes, the longest being over 8 minutes. The songs are all either very old or very new loves of mine, and each song just feels… relevant. I wish I had a better word to describe this playlist, but maybe the best I can say is that it is very “right now, this moment, this evening” for me.

Click on the bold titles for youtube links of the tracks:

1. In Particular – Blonde Redhead
After a night’s marathon of listening to them, I’ve finally fallen in love. “Such a good band to escape into.”

2. Howlin’ For You – The Black Keys
Looking forward to seeing these guys in 5 days’ time! Their set should be super tight.

3. Hero – Regina Spektor
Hearing this song reenacts the scene from 500 Days of Summer in my head… of heartbreak.

4. Alabaster – Foals
Song from an amazing album, where everything just builds and builds so nicely. Layers. I love layers, and by that I mean I love layers in everything – music, paint, writing plots and subplots, the undertows of character, clothing… I could go on forever.

5. My Same – Adele
Oh, how this feels! I love the crispy accompaniment in this song as well… the tone of that guitar and subtle but precise, driving bass.

6. Tourist – Athlete
This song reminds me of my friend Sinead – she was the one who got me into this band, and this song in particular. Listened to it today, and just… its relevance is killing me.

7. Bees – Warpaint
One of my most listened-to tracks since Boxing Day. I could loop this and its precursor (Undertow) on their album over and over and over and over.

8. Only In Dreams – Weezer
I’ve finally stopped repeating this song obsessively, but last month I gave it a good enough run for a lifetime. I’m not a Weezer fanatic, but this is one song I love. I half wrote a song based on a tangent of this idea…

9. Belief – John Mayer
Something about this guitar line, so simple, but I really like it…

10. But Not For Me – Chet Baker
Unfortunately, this isn’t the same version as the one that I’ve got, which has a very speedy bass solo on it, woah.

11. Sister – Sufjan Stevens
Need to buy our tickets, but I am seeing this man perform next month in Wellington. The lyrical guitar just gets me, every time. From my favourite album of his, Seven Swans.

12. Here In My Room – Incubus
Everything about this song is beautiful – I’m a huge fan of Brandon Boyd’s lyrics.

13. The Lost Art of Keeping A Secret – Queens of the Stone Age
I need to fish together roughly $85 to see these guys next month, ahhh! Not used to paying for gigs again.

14. I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab For Cutie
The long build up makes it worth it. In my opinion it reflects precisely what the song is on about.

15. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead – Stars
For F.M.D., because we both know what it feels like.

16. When You Sleep – My Bloody Valentine
I will never forget the day I was introduced to this band and Loveless. So fucking ironic. LOVELESS.

17. Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
Can’t believe they played this at a club last night. Danced/moshed/headbanged to this like the 15 year old I once was, except this time I was wearing rather high heels. This song was far more amazing when I saw it live though, of course – as opposed to in some basement club where sweat is dripping off the ceiling and we have to fend boys off with a stick.

I wish I could stop using this word in this post already, but even the post title is spot-on relevant. A lot of friends of mine don’t understand why I blog, and et cetera sort of questions surrounding the practice of blogging. Ironically, this blog documents my life better than my notebooks, in which I do scribble about “major events” and the odd mundane, daily happenings – but mostly I only ever craft in ink things that are nonsensical, lyrical, extremely painful, descriptive, or all of the above. And that’s why I’m saying this here, rather in some “diary” of sorts, which I don’t actually keep, because – this is it.

A couple of nights ago I had a huge emotional epiphany. It’s far too long of a story to even begin to explain, but I feel fucking great for finally having years and years’ worth of mostly self-inflicted emotional burden and pain lifted off me. Surely I’m not the only person in the world to have been so in love with an idea that you toy with it, torture yourself with it, lay it to rest and then wake it back up, repeatedly, until you can’t tell fact from fiction? And some days, you get a glimpse of the reality that you can see in the mirror, minus all the imaginary artifacts you’ve built around you… but you simply deny such insight as merely doubt. Why is it that we never want to see what we’re blindly in love with, for what it truly is? Something intangible that you concoct excuses for in your head. Largely a figment of your imagination that is based on only a mere strand of truth and reality.

So, reality, here I am. At last. I’ve unloaded a pile of the past, and now I have to deal with the present. I’m not sure I like how this feels right now, because everything I deal with is suddenly so much more tangible than everything else I’ve been living in my head. But it’s for this precise reason that I need to have moved on – the present affects the future, and this is the one aspect of my life that has had the most dire outlook. I can’t remain the madwoman that I’ve been for years, because “to repeat the same action over and over and expect different results is the very definition of madness”, and it’s a rather stupid and self-deprecating process to keep repeating, to be honest.

The problem is, all of the above sounds like a really fine and dandy conclusion to have drawn, to date – but now I don’t know what choices I want to make from this point forth. I am forever a slave to indecisiveness, and wanting to have the best of both worlds. The ironic thing is, one could say “both these worlds you’re choosing between are highly flawed, you deserve better, keep waiting for a new option” – but that’s not really living in the right now, in the today… and we all know that living in the moment is something I’m notorious for. Even when I was overshadowed by the past, and the idea of the resurrection of the past, I still lived too much in the moment, without thought.

What to do?! There isn’t really a right or wrong. Ultimately, I just feel like I’m being too selfish right now.

Sometimes I spin around for days. This valid and logic motion is what keeps me from moving

I had a very interesting 21 hours during which I did nothing but indulge. Films, music, drinks, conversation and company. It felt like living at present was living in the past. I always think that company can make or break whatever it is that you’re doing. I could be listening to the same music, watching the same films, drinking the same thing, but if it’s with someone I find uninspiring and boring, or someone too inappropriately provocative and drama-bringing, then I just won’t have anywhere near as good of a time.

We watched Into the Wild, followed by An Education, both of which I’d like to delve into, maybe in a post a couple of days from now, because I don’t think it would do Into the Wild any justice for me to sleeplessly blog about it. One of my best friends, Takuma, is always raving about that film – quoting it, and referring to it when he’s feeling down or when he feels like life is out of perspective – so I’m happy to say that now I can finally discuss it with him at length. I just need to work out the time difference between here and New Orleans, and what his schedule this semester at Tulane is like. I hate how its such a mission to try to have a verbal rather than email interaction with such a close friend.I guess it makes us cherish what conversations we do manage to have with one another, but it’s also such a hassle!

Here are photos from November 13th, 2010 – the day I spent with my sister in Santa Monica, and later at a college party when I crashed at her dorm. I’m going to slowly post my photos from California over time… it might take a while… Also, I specifically picked out a bunch of photos that I’m in, because (as you may have noticed) I’m hardly ever in any of the photos I post, since I’m usually the one behind the camera – so it was nice to have my sister around for helping me provide visual proof of my wanderlust:


Santa Monica beach.


Bridge over the Pacific Coast Highway.


PCH.

Jandals and Doc Martens in hand, the sand was just sooo nice beneath my feet.

I didn’t realise that the life guard hut said “KEEP OFF” until after we took these photos and Liv decided to tell me…


Free towel came in very handy, thanks Pepperdine!

Liv being a silly cutey.

I freaking loved these dinosaurs! My expression in an earlier photo was pretty priceless… but it was really dark :/

3rd Blvd/Promenade.

Lunch! We really regretted picking a restaurant near were a guy was busking via means of smacking on drums as hard and fast as he could, for as long as possible…


REALLY GOOD STEAK SANDWICH. I was so full afterwards.

Me being very happy with my new $20 hat.

Did I mention? I FUCKING LOVE THESE DINOSAURS.

Impending sunset.


SUNSET!

Liv took these silhouette photos of me under my strict, strict instruction, yay.

I can never decide which I like better.


The good ol’ 534 bus we had to wait for.

Touristy photo at Liv’s school with the sign. She couldn’t fit the whole thing in but that’s okay… this was right before we had to hike up a bloody steep and HUGE hill…

Going oooouuuutttt!

My first American college party experience. It was hilarious to say the least: “THE COPS ARE HERE! GET INSIDE!” vs. “THE COPS ARE HERE, GET OUTSIDE TO THE BACKYARD BY THE POOL!” – uhh sorry, everyone’s wasted, which is the correct set of instructions? To leave, it turned out.

Beeer pong!

Also, after last night and today’s marathon listening, I still, still can’t stop listening to the band Blonde Redhead – their discography is so big that I wouldn’t even know where to begin my recommendations to post a youtube link of. As Daniel and I were saying, they’re such a good band to escape into, akin to My Bloody Valentine; but the upside is that with such a large body of work, you never have to repeat just the one album, as you would do with MBV’s Loveless.

I’m goin back home to the west coast, I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase

*I wrote this entry, and then wished that I had written it from the bottom upwards. But it’s 2.36am so I can’t be bothered with rearranging and editing so that it still makes sense… just scroll and scroll and scroll… at least it gets happier as my thoughts run on?*

Yesterday my younger sister departed Auckland after 3 weeks of holidaying back home with us, and I really, really miss her already. The airport was in a state of chaos yesterday – I know most airports are, but the hectic state in which the Auckland International Airport was in yesterday, was above and beyond anything I’d ever seen in NZ before. Firstly, it took us forever to find a spot to park our car , almost akin to that of shopping malls in the pre-Christmas rush. This never happens here! We had admittedly gotten to the airport on the late rather than earlier side of things, but still well on time… except somehow the queue dragged and dragged, and eventually we were told that some system required for travelers to the states was down, and things had to get authorised by the US first, before they were allowed to manually enter something or another. After over two hours of hovering around, Liv finally managed to check in – officially the last person to do so… well after her “last boarding call” as well as flight time! Obviously the plane would have been delayed by then, in order for her to board, but the announcements of gate closure and the whole “final boarding call” thing really didn’t help us with our stress. But funnily enough (and I love her for this), Liv’s biggest concern for mum and I was the rate at which our expensive airport parking was ticking up at. It was evidently the least of our concerns by then!

I’ve always hated airports, except when I’m picking up someone. Because, frankly, who likes to see loved ones depart, regardless of the reason? And if they’re not a loved one, then I certainly wouldn’t be seeing them off an an airport, unless I was doing a favour to someone by dropping them off. It took every mature ounce of self control in me that I could muster yesterday to not let tears roll down my cheeks – after all, Liv is simply going back to Malibu to resume her study and golfing, but I couldn’t help but feel left behind – like I’m missing out on precious sister time with her whilst we’re still young. It certainly wasn’t easy the first time round when she first left in August, but it hasn’t gotten any easier now, seeing her off for her second semester

I wonder if saying goodbye to people gets easier for anyone else?

Goodbyes are my biggest weakness. In mandarin, “goodbye” is translated literally as “again” and “meet”; so my grandma has always said if there was no parting, there wouldn’t be the joy of reunion. In a way, this is perhaps the only thing that keeps me afloat when I think I can’t handle saying goodbye. Writing this now just makes me miss not only my sister but my grandma. I wish I could put into words all the things I’d like to say to her. She was such an influence on me as a young child, and I know a lot of is has carried over – such as my love of words, reading, writing, literature in general, and quotes and the art of chinese proverbs (which I really need to work on). Perhaps a story and tangent for another day…

Here’s a song that Liv and I have been listening to repeatedly for the last day she was here: “West Coast” by Coconut Records. The lyrics are oh-so-appropriate, and the song is really cute:

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you’re still around
And i miss you
I’m going back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I’m goin back home to the west coast

The bright side to this entry is the fact that I’ve finally gotten my developed films back! I took a couple of rolls of Ilford black and white film in LA and San Francisco, and I’ve uploaded them all to my photography site, so click here for the full set. Seeing these just makes me 1/ really, really want to go traveling again; 2/ not regret having killed my left shoulder by carrying a fiml slr as well as a dslr around everywhere in a bag; 3/ miss using b/w film, and wish that film development wasn’t such a hassle (I had these mailed back to Taiwan for processing as it was far, far, far cheaper, even with postage fees).  Here are some of my personal favourites:

I remember how excited I was on the plane when I took this… and how I wondered as to how good this photo, and the trip would turn out to be.

Powell Street in San Francisco, at the bottom of one of the cable car lines. I love love LOVE this city.

How amazing is this music store?! It was completely filled with 2nd hand music equipment. Found in North Beach.

Golden Gate Bridge, of course. With an Amanda-spin.

Under the in famous bridge.

It took me ages to get this shot – I had to time it so that the people all around me all sat down or ducked down at the same time!

View from inside the cable car.

Palace of Fine Arts.

Post office in Hollywood.

Window of Urban Outfitters, Cahuenga Blvd.

On the way up to the Getty Centre.

Getty Centre after dark with long shutter exposure. No one dared to walk in front of me and my camera – I had to ask them to please proceed!

I admittedly stalked down a few (hopefully unsuspecting) people to get some photos…

Like this.

Self portrait in a series of mirrors at the souvenir store. It’s also my first facebook profile picture change in a year!

Oh yeah, before I forget, one nice thing came of the long and arduous wait in the airport check-in queues – we passed a lot of the time chatting to a cellist who studies in Lansing, Michigan. The guy was super nice and relatable to talk to (not to mention a bit cute, shhh); turns out he’s actually pretty amazing, according to not only the internet, but youtube results. I’d always said… in another life, if I were to be a classical musician, I would totally pick the cello.

So cheers to yet another chance encounter with someone who shone a bit of light on my day and also a little on my dreams. Sometimes it’s nice to have the world seem a little smaller.

And a young man’s gonna make mistakes, til he hits the brakes

“By the time a person has achieved years adequate for choosing a direction, the die is cast and the moment has long since passed which determined the future.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

I think it’s safe to say that I certainly do not live my life in a very safe manner. Wait, that sentence just sounded retarded. But it makes perfect literal sense in terms of what I’m saying. It’s true – I take a lot of risks, some calculated, but more often than not, I ignore such “calculations” and stick with what I want to do/think I should do/think I can get away with. The latter which sounds absolutely terrible, although thus far I have turned out quite “alright”. Point is, I wholeheartedly agree with the above quote, and I am living my life and making my “big decisions” as I see fit – not in the most “sensible” and “safe” manner at all. Instead, doing what I think will lead to where I’d like to be. I think that if I can’t dream big and try to fly towards such dreams up in the clouds at age 19, then there will be no more-appropriate time to do so.

I’m beyond grateful and appreciative towards my parents’ encouragement and support of me, even in times when they disagree with my decisions; I know there are many, many parents out there who simply do not provide such freedom and constant support towards their children. I’ve noticed (and mum’s also told me) that people are either in positive awe of how brilliant it is, or in absolute shock and horror towards my parents with regards to the fact that my sister and I pursue such “unconventional” pathways – and all with their full backing and support! Other parents that my family knows have either high-5’d us for sticking to our guns and going for it, or have taken it upon themselves to try and convince me that music is a stupid course of study that will lead to nowhere, and no career. They’d list all the reasons why I should study law or whatever instead (this is back at high school when I hadn’t decided on my university degree yet), and how I should just keep music as a hobby, etc. It’s as if the decision is so fucking obvious that only an outright idiot would choose otherwise. Even though I am always polite and try to deflect and then divert such conversations, it always maddens me, right to the very core. I just want to say who the hell do you think you are?! Don’t treat me like a fucking idiot; you say that as if I hadn’t thought of all of the above already, etc. Anyway, I don’t even know how that train of thought got here, because then I got distracted and have been reading something completely irrelevant for the past half an hour. Point is, I’m glad I still have a lot of things that I look forward to, because of the path I’ve chosen. Rather than having chosen one which I dread to face the end of.

Yesterday, with just a towel-bag of essentials, I set off for a very long drive out to a friend’s family house, south-west of mine. The weather hovered from very cloudy, sunny, and then cloudy, spitting rain, sunny, then back to the clouds and eventually decent rainfall. Photographically equipped with only a Canon point-and-shoot in the back pocket of my denim cut-offs, I didn’t take that many photos. The countryside experience is more about the intertwined smell of freshness, cow dung and grass in the air, the bugs that crawl on you, and the thorns, sand and mud on your feet. All in all it made for an interesting day – most certainly a very adventurous drive as I wasn’t quite sure where I was going to end up – with great company, great conversation, great food and great fun. In other words, a bloody great day:

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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