I snap back, Only for a moment. Mostly, I don’t seem to slow down

I had a really ghastly day today, one of the worst so far this year. It’s only the 2nd week back at uni and already I am so stressed out I think I’m going to snap. It’s largely the inter-people problems that have me baffled the most – it’s such a small department you don’t want to piss anyone off, but what happens when someone really pisses you off?!! I’ll cut myself short there before I start an endless rant about everything which will only send me to bed more wound up.

Instead, I’ll recommend something: BookDepository.co.uk. Not only do they ship for free internationally, but they also do a really sweet deal. I managed to get my Real Book within a week of ordering it, and at only a fraction of the price of what other websites or local bookstores can offer me.

Also, I dug up some very old photos from hockey tournament back in 2008. Here are three lovely view from our hotel room at Surfer’s Paradise on the Gold Coast that I wish I could be brought back to…

And that’s just the river side of things.

I’ve realised that I really need to set down a date for sometime in term break, where I will indulge in something awesome… some sort of exciting event that I can look forward to. I think I would be much more motivated during the next 4 remaining weeks of the first half of semester one, if I could find something to work towards and be really excited and enthusiastic about. Also, I’m seeing MGMT in a week’s time; and I know that it sounds awful, but I don’t have a tendency to work myself up and get excited towards gigs, so I am and will be feeling pretty blasé until it actually happens. Is anything life-changingly awesome happening in 4 weeks’ time?

In the meantime, late night scribbles concocted seconds ago:

We’re missing, messing everything
In the moment
nothing can slow us down.
We’re kissing, caressing every
Moment
nothing will draw a frown.

and in those heartbeats
where we sharply inhale
with half held breath
as if pausing could freeze
perfection forever.

We’re young, for now, only
for a moment
until the sun comes round.
We’re reunited, requited,
and in you
my heart was found.

Hands down – I’m too proud for love, But with eyes shut, It’s you I’m thinking of. Eye to eye, Thigh to Thigh, I let go. And for you I keep my legs apart, And forget about my tainted heart

I’ve been feeling like a bit of a social-grandma since uni has officially started once again, and I’ve been having quiet nights in like a normal person. Maybe I just used to party too hard “when I was younger”, and thus anything short of going out all the time seems like a reclusive thing to do. Being part of the jazz department, my classes and timetable are still not 100% confirmed yet, and it’s an annoying, growing source of stress. Ironic how everyone else loves the “first week back because it’s so relaxed”, yet I knew mine wouldn’t be, and it hasn’t been indeed.

Highlight of my first week back at uni was getting to see Jack DeJohnette on Friday, where he did a public workshop and a Q&A session. I managed to get a photo with him, but it’s very unflattering so I’m not going to post it here, haha.

The week’s main event on the menu, however, was the boy’s 21st birthday party last night. I didn’t take that many photos because I couldn’t be bothered carrying my camera around, so it was abandoned in his room in the company of the dog for hours instead. Although I must admit that most of the following photos were taken whilst I wasn’t on the sober side of things, so nothing is particularly amazing, from a photographic standpoint. But who cares – it was an amazing night for all involved, and that’s what matters more.

Photos from last night:

Inhaling helium is so much
Less
effective when
no longer so
Young

with Party-glazed eyes I scanned the room
and the source of
Contrast
is
Him.

Louder than high,
our voices
the word She
Repeated, repeated. Repeated.
and then again.

and when his speech
Acknowledged me and the
Whole.
Room.
Turned.
my cheeks flushed a pink
more rouge than my new lipstick
which we then shared.

Dim.
the romance of candlelit corners
and ferry-lit seams of the room.

Effortless,
he extinguished the flames which
we are taught, represents the years, his years.
We’re not supposed to count the years
but make the years count –
and yet, who isn’t counting?

/// /// /// // // /// /////

By this point in time I
was no longer aware of much else

and was facing completely the
Wrong way.
But it was funny to see things from
the cramped corner, in which I had to blow out a candle
just to stand in.

It’s obvious just how unusual last night was for me, from the sheer fact that I even forgot to have some cake.

 

 

This picture was just too… uhh yeaaah… to not put up.

I didn’t take either of the following pictures, but it seems that the men of that household are both capable of making me look nice in a photograph. Something I don’t say often. At all.

taken by his dad.

by the boy:
the morning after.

No harm, he’s armed, Setting off all your alarms

Today was the first day of my 2nd year at university. When I woke up naturally at 7.46am, my first thought was, oh no, how long have I overslept for?! But luckily for once that was not the case. I still can’t believe I woke up a quarter of an hour before my alarm! And I can’t believe how fast the past four months of summer holidays has just slipped away. It seems barely last week when I was jumping on the $999/return deal to fly to LA, and it feels barely yesterday that I was power-walking through San Francisco and riding on cable cars. Yet, at the same time it feels like an entire lifetime away. I think I’ve had four main distinctive phases this summer:

1/ November: California lovin’
2/ December: late nights, dashes in and out of everywhere
3/ January: wishy washy old self, dreaming of all the possibilities and living my life through daydreams and the internet
4/ February: actual lovin’, every day blurs into the next in the HOT HOT HEAT of summer, wishing I could rewind or fast forward time

I guess time truly flies when you’re having fun, huh.

Here are some (sorry, but shitty… it wasn’t my camera and it took a long time to work out how to 1/ get it out of black and white mode; 2/ get out of manual point-and-shoot mode; 3/ take an okay picture) pictures from Friday night, pizzas made from scratch, grâce à l’ami petit:

Rum & Pepsi, my phone getting charged, CC & dry

 

 

 

Tomatoes courtesy of his backyard.

 

Pre-Basil.

Note to anyone else who also likes sniffing boys books: acquaint yourself with a boy who has a vast book collection.

I spent an hour in a queue at university in order to obtain a Maxx sticker, which is what entitles me and my student ID to a discount when buying ferry tickets. For half an hour of this, my parking was expired and I was panicking over whether or not I was going to get a parking ticket. Luckily not, but you’d think that the major university in the biggest city of this country would have more than two people on computers sussing out timetables and enrollment qualification business!

In addition to this, currently on my timetable for the year, I have jazz combo on Wednesday night… at 8-10pm. Now… whilst that time is completely acceptable for when we have recital assessments, but on a weekly basis?! Gaaah! Especially when I had been hoping to play hockey this season, I really don’t know how everything is going to work. I’m not a happy chappy about my combo, but I meet them tomorrow, so we’ll see what happens, I guess.

Completely irrelevantly, I’ve had a draft post sitting in WordPress for the past week or so, but I just never got around to writing it properly. Too much food consumption. Chocolate. More Chocolate. Yes, it deserves capitalisation, that’s how much I love Chocolate. Going to sleep with Blonde Redhead, a Radiohead play list or The Raveonettes on repeat all night. Waking up reluctantly to wine and dine and do it all over again.

I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to use the local dialect for petit ami. That is, without feeling like I’m saying “cunt” in my mother’s presence or something to that effect. I’m a person of extremes, I know. I also know that I’m going to get a blister or two this week (already developing), and that I will start posting sporadic, spontaneous shit on here. Weekly wish list? Oh, yes please.

For love is the breath, For the scariest things are not half as enslaved

Even though I’m not its biggest fan – Happy Valentine’s Day. Even though I’m far from domesticated, I did something sweet and cooked the poor boy dinner last night and even delivered it to him, because he’s been essay writing and studying for an exam that’s on tomorrow.

I think the main thing that I can’t stand about Valentine’s day is all the articles in the newspaper, magazines and on the internet about “tips” or “do’s and don’ts”, etc similar “how-to” guides for males. Sure, it’s nice that the world of consumerism is trying to help males in this world with trying to please their lady-friends – but I just think that even the tiniest romantic gesture would be a thousand times sweeter, if he conceived of the idea himself. Furthermore, I think romantic gestures in general would be way more romantic when not conducted on Valentine’s. It’s the one day of the year where so many girls say “no I don’t want anything for Valentines” or “I’m not expecting anything, it’s okay” – in terms of chocolate, roses and a card – whilst they are secretly teeming with anticipation in the hopes that maybe their boy will do something sweet anyway! Seriously – how many people knows someone like this?!

On the wave of social issues, here’s some food for thought: if someone (with seemingly no reason to lie or shit stir) told you that someone in your circle of friends went around saying something waaay untrue of a veeery private nature about you a couple of years ago – would you ever ask/confront the person in question whether they did or not? Knowing that they will very likely deny it even if it were true?

Also, I always find it funny how much you can tell about a person by the way they deal with money amongst their friends – and how nit-picky people get about owing small change. And in case it wasn’t obvious enough, I wasn’t saying that in a good way either.

Another thing that’s stressing me out this week is that I am getting my three remaining wisdom teeth surgically removed – under general anesthesia – and frankly, I am freaking out about it. In addition to this, it’s three days before the surgery now, and I still haven’t gotten all the paper work sorted yet! My surgeon works at three separate clinics (if not more, unbeknownst to me), and my health insurance needs a fax reply to them to confirm the procedure that I’m getting done, before they will approve paying for it. The trouble is, they faxed it to him main office, which isn’t the one I’m seeing him at (and thus doesn’t have my files), but he only works once a week or once a fortnight at the clinic that I’m seeing him at, so everything is getting lost in translation between fax machines and three different clinics and the health insurance company. ARGH!!!!!!!!

Here are some photos of Yeasayer from Laneway a couple of weeks back:

I’m trying to put this thing to bed, I’ve drugged it in its sleep. There aren’t many memories I’m comfortable to keep

The painting that I had started in this post last month was finished quite a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to post the final product, until a friend reminded me about it just before. I couldn’t figure out the best quick and easy way to photograph the painting, because of the gold paint that I had used – it looks different depending on which angle and lighting you see it at. I didn’t think much about what I was doing when I was slopping layers after layers of paint onto canvas, but in hindsight there is so much about it that I could analyse about myself. This fact scares me a little. I hadn’t painted in yeeears, and I rather miss it; although back in the day I used to do more realistic, rather than abstract and erratic stuff.

I compiled the following playlist with a lot of emotion, and very lack of thought. I say lack of thought because at first glance it will seem completely uncohesive and probably make little sense to you, but I hope that the tracks get listened to. I literally didn’t “think” about what songs I wanted on this playlist, I just chose song after song, and dug up links for them. But once again, in hindsight, there is so much that one could read into my song choices. They all have relevant themes, lyrics and feel. For example, I just noticed that there are several songs on here that are quite long – there are 5 songs that are longer than 6 minutes, the longest being over 8 minutes. The songs are all either very old or very new loves of mine, and each song just feels… relevant. I wish I had a better word to describe this playlist, but maybe the best I can say is that it is very “right now, this moment, this evening” for me.

Click on the bold titles for youtube links of the tracks:

1. In Particular – Blonde Redhead
After a night’s marathon of listening to them, I’ve finally fallen in love. “Such a good band to escape into.”

2. Howlin’ For You – The Black Keys
Looking forward to seeing these guys in 5 days’ time! Their set should be super tight.

3. Hero – Regina Spektor
Hearing this song reenacts the scene from 500 Days of Summer in my head… of heartbreak.

4. Alabaster – Foals
Song from an amazing album, where everything just builds and builds so nicely. Layers. I love layers, and by that I mean I love layers in everything – music, paint, writing plots and subplots, the undertows of character, clothing… I could go on forever.

5. My Same – Adele
Oh, how this feels! I love the crispy accompaniment in this song as well… the tone of that guitar and subtle but precise, driving bass.

6. Tourist – Athlete
This song reminds me of my friend Sinead – she was the one who got me into this band, and this song in particular. Listened to it today, and just… its relevance is killing me.

7. Bees – Warpaint
One of my most listened-to tracks since Boxing Day. I could loop this and its precursor (Undertow) on their album over and over and over and over.

8. Only In Dreams – Weezer
I’ve finally stopped repeating this song obsessively, but last month I gave it a good enough run for a lifetime. I’m not a Weezer fanatic, but this is one song I love. I half wrote a song based on a tangent of this idea…

9. Belief – John Mayer
Something about this guitar line, so simple, but I really like it…

10. But Not For Me – Chet Baker
Unfortunately, this isn’t the same version as the one that I’ve got, which has a very speedy bass solo on it, woah.

11. Sister – Sufjan Stevens
Need to buy our tickets, but I am seeing this man perform next month in Wellington. The lyrical guitar just gets me, every time. From my favourite album of his, Seven Swans.

12. Here In My Room – Incubus
Everything about this song is beautiful – I’m a huge fan of Brandon Boyd’s lyrics.

13. The Lost Art of Keeping A Secret – Queens of the Stone Age
I need to fish together roughly $85 to see these guys next month, ahhh! Not used to paying for gigs again.

14. I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab For Cutie
The long build up makes it worth it. In my opinion it reflects precisely what the song is on about.

15. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead – Stars
For F.M.D., because we both know what it feels like.

16. When You Sleep – My Bloody Valentine
I will never forget the day I was introduced to this band and Loveless. So fucking ironic. LOVELESS.

17. Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
Can’t believe they played this at a club last night. Danced/moshed/headbanged to this like the 15 year old I once was, except this time I was wearing rather high heels. This song was far more amazing when I saw it live though, of course – as opposed to in some basement club where sweat is dripping off the ceiling and we have to fend boys off with a stick.

I wish I could stop using this word in this post already, but even the post title is spot-on relevant. A lot of friends of mine don’t understand why I blog, and et cetera sort of questions surrounding the practice of blogging. Ironically, this blog documents my life better than my notebooks, in which I do scribble about “major events” and the odd mundane, daily happenings – but mostly I only ever craft in ink things that are nonsensical, lyrical, extremely painful, descriptive, or all of the above. And that’s why I’m saying this here, rather in some “diary” of sorts, which I don’t actually keep, because – this is it.

A couple of nights ago I had a huge emotional epiphany. It’s far too long of a story to even begin to explain, but I feel fucking great for finally having years and years’ worth of mostly self-inflicted emotional burden and pain lifted off me. Surely I’m not the only person in the world to have been so in love with an idea that you toy with it, torture yourself with it, lay it to rest and then wake it back up, repeatedly, until you can’t tell fact from fiction? And some days, you get a glimpse of the reality that you can see in the mirror, minus all the imaginary artifacts you’ve built around you… but you simply deny such insight as merely doubt. Why is it that we never want to see what we’re blindly in love with, for what it truly is? Something intangible that you concoct excuses for in your head. Largely a figment of your imagination that is based on only a mere strand of truth and reality.

So, reality, here I am. At last. I’ve unloaded a pile of the past, and now I have to deal with the present. I’m not sure I like how this feels right now, because everything I deal with is suddenly so much more tangible than everything else I’ve been living in my head. But it’s for this precise reason that I need to have moved on – the present affects the future, and this is the one aspect of my life that has had the most dire outlook. I can’t remain the madwoman that I’ve been for years, because “to repeat the same action over and over and expect different results is the very definition of madness”, and it’s a rather stupid and self-deprecating process to keep repeating, to be honest.

The problem is, all of the above sounds like a really fine and dandy conclusion to have drawn, to date – but now I don’t know what choices I want to make from this point forth. I am forever a slave to indecisiveness, and wanting to have the best of both worlds. The ironic thing is, one could say “both these worlds you’re choosing between are highly flawed, you deserve better, keep waiting for a new option” – but that’s not really living in the right now, in the today… and we all know that living in the moment is something I’m notorious for. Even when I was overshadowed by the past, and the idea of the resurrection of the past, I still lived too much in the moment, without thought.

What to do?! There isn’t really a right or wrong. Ultimately, I just feel like I’m being too selfish right now.

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