I’m really not into setting goals. Especially those with a clear, definite end-point and calculable intended-outcomes. But this year I set myself an overlapping handful of them and guess what? I somehow managed to only fail at one, or possibly one and a half — although I technically made it anyway, because what I “failed” at, was really just a less pretty means to the same overarching end.

It’s been a really, really hard year.* I honestly don’t know how I made it, except that I’ve really enjoyed doing next to nothing for the past six and a half weeks since uni finished for the year. I don’t know how I’m going to plough through another two years, but at least it will eventually read BMus/LLB(Hons) next to my name. This combination isn’t even offered as a conjoint degree, so I have to do everything the long way (aka two full degrees — read: BMus 360 points + LLB(Hons) 540 points). But hey, hey, in the words of Robert Frost, taking the road less traveled has made all the difference, and although I often feel trapped by uni, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Mentally, the toughest thing this year besides my self-doubt, was the doubt of other people around me. My friends from either faculty would be stressing out about rehearsals and charts to write and deadlines — blah! — or law opinions and studying for tests and so on… and then often they’d freeze mid-sentence and be all “oh my god, I’m freaking out over this, I don’t know how you’re doing all that!” and it would really get to me. I know they didn’t mean anything by it, if anything, they were being sympathetic, but the overwhelming sense of pity sucked. I’d feel like, shit, this is really hard, even on a lesser workload — I am crazy I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this! Needless to say, it really gnawed on my self confidence and assertion that I wanted to, I chose to, I must and therefore I will — do ALL OF THIS.

It was even worse when people in positions of somewhat-authority flat out told me — “I’m not sure you can pulls this off”, or worse, “you’re not hoping to get into honours, are you?! You’ve really set yourself up to fail.” And whilst I’m glad that they were wrong, this isn’t about “proving” anything to anyone, and I’m mostly just awash with relief. I’m particularly grateful towards a handful of closest and dearest that believed in me more than I believed in myself — or were at least very good at pretending so, until some faux machismo rubbed off on me. On a similar wavelength, I saw this Ted talk too late into the year, but it was a good (if placebo) effect for a short while.

One big thing about “Amanda’s Struggles of 2013? I’m going to try and take forward, is the need to remember that I wanted all this. At the start of the year, I told close people around me that, when the going gets tough and I start complaining, being shitty and lazy, they should remind me: “you want this”. I think that’s been the most important, underlying drive that’s gotten me through the year, and it’s pretty accurate that, “if it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.” I think we often forget why we are putting ourselves through unpleasant experiences, and forgetting why or what it was that we wanted to get from it. So by having others remind me that I’m doing all these shitty things because there was an outcome I want to reach, it made the blood, sweat and tears seem a bit less pointless, when I remembered the bigger picture.

I insist on not getting lost in the rat race, not forgetting why I subject myself to such constant strain and stress, and not doing anything for reasons any less than those of my own. No, I’m not sure if I want to be a lawyer, and no, I cannot stand it when people ask, “oh, so you wanna be a music lawyer?” — at this point in time, I just really like the education and whatever may or may not come with it. In the meantime, I’m going to keep scribbling stuff like this at 4am:

live together, move apart
the sequence of things
we’re supposed to do, tied to
this checklist people mistake as youth
dive in, heads spinning
confusing thoughts and screams
how to swim, how to float
I’m lofty but I’m starting to choke

and tell me, tell me, tell me
you told me
tell me, tell me, tell me
you told me
that now is not the right time
oh tell me, sell me, tell me
you told me
tell me, tell me, tell me
you’ll hold me
but now is not the right time

put things off for another year
we’ll get around to it, maybe
if not, we’ll have more savings
though aren’t you tired, always, not lately?
slaves to our characters on paper
your haircut cost two hours’ pay
it’s worth the comments that you’ll save
but we can all grow if we leave today

and tell me, tell me, tell me
you told me
tell me, sell me, tell me
you told me
that now is not the right time
(etc.)
now is not the time
there is never a time

*I knew that I had taken on a LOT this year, but I only realised whilst trying to work out my timetable for 2014, that I’d actually done 160 points this year — and they weren’t neat papers either — four of them were year-long law papers and two were jazz papers that used to be worth 50 (2x 15 and 2x 10), but got restructured down to 30 points without the workload being altered much. To put it in context, students are recommended to take 120 to a maximum of 135 points, especially for law. Basically, I’m really fucking exhausted, but at the same time I kind of feel like I’ve super lazy on and off all year, but either way I’d just like to crawl into a glass igloo and never reappear from hibernation.